#1
Hey here's a little song i found, that i wrote years ago...

It's supposed to be an over the top, cliche, tongue in cheek, glam rock type song.

Ridiculous guitar solo, big hair, tight pants, that sort of thing. Like Van Halen mixed with The Darkness I reckon!

So tell me what you guys think! c4c

~Cupid's Bullseye~



VERSE 1:

Girl you're drivin' me crazy,
My heart's about to explode.
Shot in the ass with Cupid's arrow,
And now he's gotta reload.

VERSE 2:

Oooh this feelin' I get from you,
So good it couldn't be wrong.
You look like you're my size girl,
Now could I try you on?

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name

VERSE 3:

Girl you've got me hypnotised,
With every move that you make.
If this ain't real and I'm dreamin,
Then I never wanna wake.

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name
Right now I'm Cupid's bullseye
And he shows no mercy
Let's get freaky babe, don't be shy
I know you can handle me

INSANELY OVER-THE-TOP GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS:


fin.
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
#2
Hey here's a little song i found, that i wrote years ago...

It's supposed to be an over the top, cliche, tongue in cheek, glam rock type song.

Ridiculous guitar solo, big hair, tight pants, that sort of thing. Like Van Halen mixed with The Darkness I reckon!

So tell me what you guys think! c4c

~Cupid's Bullseye~



VERSE 1:

Girl you're drivin' me crazy,
My heart's about to explode.
Shot in the ass with Cupid's arrow,
And now he's gotta reload.


I loved that rhyme. You sure accomplished at setting the mood for this song with this stanza.


VERSE 2:

Oooh this feelin' I get from you,
So good it couldn't be wrong.
You look like you're my size girl,
Now could I try you on?



I love that bolded part; It was unexpected, but in a good way.

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

If this wasn't supposed to be cliche', I think I'd have to slap you

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name

As I was reading this, I pictured it being sung by David Lee Roth and I giggled a little bit.

VERSE 3:

Girl you've got me hypnotised,
With every move that you make.
If this ain't real and I'm dreamin,
Then I never wanna wake.

So far, your piece has been flowing nicely.

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name
Right now I'm Cupid's bullseye
And he shows no mercy
Let's get freaky babe, don't be shy
I know you can handle me

I really liked that bolded line there.

INSANELY OVER-THE-TOP GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS:


fin.


Overall, I really liked your piece, and you sure did accomplish the whole glam-rock style.
If it were to come back, I'm sure this would be a hit (But we don't want it back, do we? ).
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#3

~Cupid's Bullseye~



VERSE 1:

Girl you're drivin' me crazy,
My heart's about to explode.
Shot in the ass with Cupid's arrow,
And now he's gotta reload.
the last line looks like an attempt to force a rhyme
the focus is on cupid's need to reload.
put the focus on you
fear he's gonna reload.


VERSE 2:

Oooh this feelin' I get from you,
So good it couldn't be wrong.
You look like you're my size girl,
Now could I try you on?
i'm not terribly fond of this verse,
but if you gotta,
maybe something like:
I can't wait to try you on.
to close this with a little better flow.


PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied
if the rhythm can handle it,
drop The way entirely.
it muddles the thought with cause and effect justification.
just let it happen.
and prolly drop here from the last line.


CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
this line seems short in comparison to the others.
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name
the last line almost seems like boasting
you can avoid with something like:
Wanna hear you scream my name.


VERSE 3:

Girl you've got me hypnotised,
With every move that you make.
If this ain't real and I'm dreamin,
Then I never wanna wake.

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name
Right now I'm Cupid's bullseye
And he shows no mercy
Let's get freaky babe, don't be shy
I know you can handle me
the last two lines are the weakest in the entire song.
rework/replace them.
or even the last four lines.


INSANELY OVER-THE-TOP GUITAR SOLO
i already enjoyed this well enough.
with an "insanely over-the-top guitar solo, this should be a winner. lol


CHORUS:

fin.

thanks for the comment on mine.
Meadows
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#4

~Cupid's Bullseye~



VERSE 1:

Girl you're drivin' me crazy,
My heart's about to explode.
Shot in the ass with Cupid's arrow,
"Shot in the ass" calls for a full stop, and made me think this set was a triplet. "with Cupid's arrow" is a bit too much to ask for after that.
And now he's gotta reload.
I agree with SYK here.

VERSE 2:

Oooh this feelin' I get from you,
So good it couldn't be wrong.
You look like you're my size girl,
Didn't like this really. Made me think she was fat, but that's probably just me.
Now could I try you on?
"Could" felt kinda off-kilter here. It felt like he was asking, rather than, y'know, getting.

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Again, I agree with SYK. Too short, though it can work if you pause for the beginning, but I don't know the rhythm.
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name
I felt like the entire piece was swaying between "Oooh, I love you girl, please be mine." and "I'm gonna f*** you like it's 1984!". That's just how I felt, but it's not too bad.

VERSE 3:

Girl you've got me hypnotised,
With every move that you make.
If this ain't real and I'm dreamin,
The middle of this line was clogged with poor word selection. It didn't flow right because of its structure.
Then I never wanna wake.

PRE CHORUS:

The way I lost myself deep in your eyes
No way I'm leavin here til I'm satisfied

CHORUS:

Make or break my heart girl
Don't play no games
Let me take you around the world
I'll get you screaming my name
Right now I'm Cupid's bullseye
And he shows no mercy
Let's get freaky babe, don't be shy
I know you can handle me

INSANELY OVER-THE-TOP GUITAR SOLO

CHORUS:


fin.

I don't have a piece for you to crit, though I might post one soon. I'm not going to expect you to chase it down though.
#5
You look like you're my size girl,
Now could I try you on?

>.<
This is such an epic line!