#1
C4C

Night 1
I lie there, gazing at the ceiling
The sound of silence clouds my thoughts
I've been longing for sleep; salvation in my dreams
That moment's arrival is long overdue, so it seems

Night 2
Exhaustion rears its ugly head once more
Wearily, I slip into bed and hope for the best
Something inside tells me tonight I won't rest
"Both you and I know my odds are nonexistent
You, standing nonchalantly in my door"
Blinking once then twice, the figure is no more
I'm physically tired and mentally weak
My sanity is at stake; I mustn't remain awake

Night 3
I must be a prisoner in my own head
I'm certain if this keeps up... No
A sudden urge for thirst drives me out of bed
I trudge down the hall towards...
Too much on my mind... Can't think straight...
Inadequate rest maims my thoughts
One last sigh... Ascend back into bed
I stare into nothingness, listen for dark
Erase all feeling, just end me now
Allow me to trail off and...


Constructive criticism is encouraged.
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

Last edited by spartan 118 at Jul 20, 2008,
#2
Hey i really liked it! You've got some great imagery in there, and I also liked a lot of the rhymes.

The first stanza is my favourite, it's simple and straight to the point, but also conveys your message in an interesting manner. Some people who have been writing for a long time struggle to do that, so you should be proud.

'Night 2' was interesting. I don't quite understand the use of quotation marks, is it meant to be the figure talking to him? Or is he talking to himself? Or am I not supposed to understand it? I really enjoyed the blinking and the figure disappearing. It's a good description of the night playing tricks, and the lack of sleep causing the character to lose his sanity.

the third night did end the piece well. The use of ellipsis (...) really portrayed the inability to think rationally.

Not much else i can say other than, I really liked this piece. It was very descriptive, and quite clever. Nice work
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#3
That's awesome man, night one is true to any insomniac and nights two and three are cool in their own respect...
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#4
thats exactly how it is. Insomnia I mean. awsome song man. don't expect any one to break it down. its perfect.
#5
Quote by spartan 118
C4C

Night 1
I lie there, gazing at the ceiling
The sound of silence clouds my thoughts
I've been longing for sleep; salvation in my dreams
That moment's arrival is long overdue, so it seems

Night 2
Exhaustion rears its ugly head once more
Wearily, I slip into bed and hope for the best
Something inside tells me tonight I won't rest
"Both you and I know my odds are nonexistent
You, standing nonchalantly in my door"
Blinking once then twice, the figure is no more
I'm physically tired and mentally weak
My sanity is at stake; I mustn't remain awake

Night 3
I must be (a) prisoner in my own head
I'm certain if this keeps up... No
A sudden urge for thirst drives me out of bed
I trudge down the hall towards...
Too much on my mind... Can't think straight...
Inadequate rest maims my thoughts
One last sigh... Ascend back into bed
I stare into nothingness, listen for dark
Erase all feeling, just end me now
Allow me to trail off and...


Constructive criticism is encouraged.



I would like if you had some established structure/rhythm, you rhyme sometimes, and then whip out of it. I like the 3 nights theme. I like the ending and what it alludes to. A few phrases are too wordy or the opposite so add and subtract some words so when you read it it flows smootly. 8/10 Nice theme, needs to be a little more polished.
#6
It's good, I really like it. Got rhymes in some odd places but I like it.

Good work.
#7
I feel like this just about every night. Who the person on night two is can change a lot of the meaning. The fact that things are kind of missing make my mind start thinking around. Towards the door? Trail off and fall asleep?

I like it
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
#8
I like it. I feel this way sometimes, because I have sleeping problems. So I stay awake and can't for the life of me do anything but just ponder and hope for sleep. The rhyming sequence is awkward, since there didn't really seem to be a defined pattern to it. The imagery is nice, and the "..."s in the third night really help show what you're saying.

C4C? I have 2 different ones in my sig. Thanks.
#9
You could do with working on your rhythm. Just get some kind of meter or structure in there and it would be a better read.
You could also do with taking out the long words; they just don't fit.
I'd personally get rid of the comma before the last line of the first stanza and have a line break instead, same with the semi-colon in the second.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!