#1
I'm writing an EP this is the closing song, cliched in a way I know but still. The music video is on my music profile on myspace, no vocals yet, I have flow issues I think, any ideas on how to fix that? I know the last line of the chorus doesn't really rhyme, I didn't want it to...


Verse 1:
Alone in my room nobody to care
My feelings strong nothing to share
Leave this prison if I dare
With no happiness to spare

Chorus:
Sadness sweeps me and I cannot show it
Time moves past me and I cannot slow it
Solitude grips me dear god I'm soul less

Verse 2:
The world stopped if but a moment
My heart skipped i musta shown it
The world crashed upon my shoulders
Crushed me with a relentless force


Chorus

Verse 3:
It's too late the mistake you can't edit
And all you can do is roll credits

Chorus
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
Last edited by eadgtotheend at Nov 16, 2008,
#2
The rhyming in this was so clever and profuse, I almost couldn't bear it. Haha, what I mean is that I am jealous of your skills.

This was nice but it's going to need a lot of instrumental fill to make it an adequate length. I loved this song though. The lyrics could stand alone and will be awesome once you produce it!

That's mine below; please critique it, if you have the time.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911698
#3
yeah it's a total of four minutes long but thanks, off to crit yours...
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
#4
Quote by eadgtotheend



Verse 1:
Alone in my room nobody to care
My feelings strong nothing to share
Leave this prison if I dare
With no happiness to spare

I like how you made all four lines here rhyme.

Chorus:
Sadness sweeps me and I cannot show it
Time moves past me and I cannot slow it

Solitude grips me my guitar my solace

I think that is really creative.

Verse 2:
I wrote songs I dated more
Couldn't leave, it's you I adored
Live this life but what to live for
Your words eat straight to the core

I don't know what it is, but there is something about this verse that kind of puts me off from your song (It's good, don't get me wrong).

Chorus

Verse 3:
It's too late the mistake you can't edit
And all you can do is roll credits

Just press Ctrl+Z, silly. I liked the ending.

Chorus


You're pretty good with your rhymes. I don't really see any flow issues either; it all moves along nicely.
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#5
thanks, yeah the second verse isn't my greatest of the three but it's true in it's own right...
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
#6
Quote by eadgtotheend
I'm writing an EP this is the closing song, cliched in a way I know but still. The music video is on my music profile on myspace, no vocals yet, I have flow issues I think, any ideas on how to fix that? I know the last line of the chorus doesn't really rhyme, I didn't want it to...


Verse 1:
Alone in my room nobody to care
My feelings strong nothing to share
Leave this prison if I dare
With no happiness to spare
Strong opening verse

Chorus:
Sadness sweeps me and I cannot show it
Time moves past me and I cannot slow it
My favorite two lines in the song
Solitude grips me my guitar my solace

Verse 2:
I wrote songs I dated more
Couldn't leave, it's you I adored
Live this life but what to live for
Your words eat straight to the core
Agreed with the guy who said this one is weaker than the other verses, but it doesn't mean that it's bad. Leaves me a little disappointed after a strong beginning to the piece.

Chorus

Verse 3:
It's too late the mistake you can't edit
And all you can do is roll credits
Good idea here. I really like this verse

Chorus


Overall, I think it's very good. Like I said, first verse and first 2 lines of the chorus really standout to me.
Would you mind looking at either of my pieces?
#7
Quote by eadgtotheend
I'm writing an EP this is the closing song, cliched in a way I know but still. The music video is on my music profile on myspace, no vocals yet, I have flow issues I think, any ideas on how to fix that? I know the last line of the chorus doesn't really rhyme, I didn't want it to...


Verse 1:
Alone in my room nobody to care
It feels to me like this line is here just so it can rhyme with the succeeding line, although it does set the scene - even if that scene is a typical one.
My feelings strong nothing to share
Leave this prison if I dare
Simple metaphor here, not sure if a more indepth one would of worked better.
With no happiness to spare
Nice line, humorous in a twisted way.

Chorus:
Sadness sweeps me and I cannot show it
Didn't enjoy reading this line at all.
Time moves past me and I cannot slow it
I'm ever so glad you had this triumphant line to erect the setting of the previous lackrustre one.
Solitude grips me my guitar my solace
Did you purposefully leave out the punctuation here? Very nice alliteration with the beginning and last words; an original idea to have it placed in such a way.

Verse 2:
I wrote songs I dated more
Fantastically honest. Your seemingly not afraid to say who you really are.
Couldn't leave, it's you I adored
Live this life but what to live for
Nice...
Your words eat straight to the core
...not nice!

Chorus

Verse 3:
It's too late the mistake you can't edit
And all you can do is roll credits
"And all you can do is roll the credits"? - Maybe?

Chorus


A good read.

Digitally Clean
#8
hmmm, interesting take on it, thanks though for the honesty, I purposefully leave out the punctuation I just don't like to when it's lyrics... I'll take what you said into consideration, what's with the "digitally clean" thing though?
My Music:
Solo project: myspace.com/dermy3blkaht
Full band (iRockit): myspace.com/nj136
#9
Quote by eadgtotheend
hmmm, interesting take on it, thanks though for the honesty, I purposefully leave out the punctuation I just don't like to when it's lyrics... I'll take what you said into consideration, what's with the "digitally clean" thing though?



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