#1
Our Duty

His blistered hands
Close his brother’s eyes
He missed his chance
To say his goodbyes

Upon his back
He carries him home
He’s not yet ready
To live alone

The signs, the signs they’re all around
Not just whispers in a crowd
Their voices are screaming loud

Save me!
Save me!

Our brand name shoes
Walk on night black streets
Our frozen pupils
Watch these children weep

We ignore their cries
And walk away
Blood is on our hands
But still we delay

The signs, the signs they’re all around
Not just whispers in a crowd
Their voices are screaming loud

Save me!
Save me!

We have a duty to feed the poor
We have a duty to change the world

It grips the heart
It takes the soul
But what can I do
All alone?


Tell me what you think. C4C.
nothing to see here
#4
Is this like a armed forces point of view?

Upon his back
He carries him home
He’s not yet ready
To live alone

Our brand name shoes
Walk on night black streets
Our frozen pupils
Watch these children weep

(Wonderful imagery.)

If the words were changed up a bit to less common ones this would be a 10. The concept is wonderful and the story reads clear. 9.389999(repeating)/10

Something to Stuble Over Crit mine?
#5
This was really, really good. I haven't read anything so candid in a while.

Thanks for the critique. 'Frozen pupils' and 'night black streets' were my favorite phrases; but I really like your style in general.

I look forward to reading more of your stuff because it really inspires me, haha.