#1
hi
just jotted down a few bits in the last few minutes and wondered what YOU thought of them?
this is the fist time i have ever tried to write a song and just wondered if i was going in the rite direction with it!

verse 1
3 days black, 1day white
watching the day turn into night
insect bites on tattoo'ed skin
out on this dusty road again

verse 2
the shallow grave, it sings to me
a solom song of history
blood in my mouth and missing teeth
the pain in my head give's me no relief

verse 3 (or chorus!)
i dont want to die inside your walls
i dont want to play by your rules
now im free and your the fool
ill sit back and watch you waist it all

so thats all i got so far! now that ive typed it up it seems quite Metalicaish!!
oh and also its copywrighted so dont steel the best bits and and them to your song!!!

opinions please!!!

cheers stew
Last edited by the big one! at Jul 19, 2008,
#2
in the 3rd verse, how about you switch round the first 2 lines to give it a more definite rhyming pattern. Other than that it's really cool for a first attempt. You venture into that personal zone and you don't go too far, well reserved, makes the listener ask lots of questions which is always good.

Good work man.
Quote by gorecore=me
is a bidet a type of crisp?
#3
ha ha strange that! the 1st two line were written the other way round but i changed them as i typed it!!
thanks for the coment!
#4
yeah i liked it as for performing song matierial if i seen a wee weedy dude singing this id be like what does he know about any of that. so aslong as youve got insperation in you for it doesnt matter what i think and itll work so much better as a song
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