#1
Sitting here shirtless in jeans.. It is really hot, I should put on shorts.. Sipping lemonade from a can. Cool, refreshing, but it does absolutely nothing.. My outsides are hot and my insides cool. My skin is wet and lips are drying out.. Maybe something intriguing will emerge from this block of text.. Hitting my head against my desk, trying to pound out more words.. Tick tick tick, the pixels on the clock alter instantly.. (Timely handclaps.) Good thing in three days I've got a two day escapade. Travel an hour away \ I'll have fun for sure / But I'm going to be forced to talk to people / It's OK, you like social situations / No I don't, I prefer solitude / Then why do you complain when you are alone? / I only do it for your attention \ The superior of us will win / But I don't want to win, I'm the pathetic half / Oh, you aren't so bad, you're kind and smart / I'm an asshole to the majority and constantly contradict myself / It is OK, we all have mental faults / It wouldn't be so bad if I was better looking / Why do you say that? / I haven't had anybody like me \ You don't need them anyways..

Don't need those voices, Don't need those people, Don't need food, Don't need shelter, Don't need stimulation. Only need self.. Waiting for time to pass, the pixels moved a couple more times since this last splotch of ink.. (And now a click of the fingers and the other hand goes under the chin)
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....
Last edited by lordofthefood1 at Jul 20, 2008,
#2
This was a little 'rambly' for my tastes; but it seems like this could be a fun piece. The hand claps are cool. I think you should work on producing this and all the excess stuff will just extract themselves. Good job though. The lyrics in this are so honest and powerful, I'm just awestruck.

Below is mine; please comment on it and feel free to tear it to shreds!!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911698
#3
Quote by lordofthefood1
Sitting here shirtless in jeans.. It is really hot, I should put on shorts.. Sipping lemonade from a can. Cool, refreshing, but it does absolutely nothing..
My outsides are hot and my insides cool
(I like this line and how you went on to elaborate on how hot it really is instead of 'it's hot'))
. My skin is wet and lips are drying out..
Maybe something intriguing will emerge from this block of text..
(Don't worry; It did)
Hitting my head against my desk, trying to pound out more words.. Tick tick tick, the pixels on the clock alter instantly.. (Timely handclaps.)
Good thing I have a two day escapade in two days.
(This line is weird. It has 'two' twice in the same sentence and sort of ruins the sentence)
Travel an hour away \ I'll have fun for sure / But I'm going to be forced to talk to people / It's OK, you like social situations / No I don't, I prefer solitude / Then why do you complain when you are alone? / I only do it for your attention \ The superior of us will win / But I don't want to win, I'm the pathetic half / Oh, you aren't so bad, you're kind and smart / I'm an asshole to the majority and constantly contradict myself / It is OK, we all have mental faults / It wouldn't be so bad if I was better looking / Why do you say that? / I haven't had anybody like me \ You don't need them anyways..
(I think it's cool how you're showing the voices talking to him)

Don't need those voices, Don't need those people, Don't need food, Don't need shelter, Don't need stimulation. Only need self.. Waiting for time to pass, the pixels moved a couple more times since this last splotch of ink.. (And now a click of the fingers and the other hand goes under the chin)



When I first started reading this I thought This guy likes BTBAM, so I checked your profile, and what do you know! I enjoyed your piece immensely. It's sort of lengthy and complex, but you pull it off beautifully.

Crit mine, please? It's also BTBAM inspired: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=913093
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#4
akikobleu : they are completely honest. Nothing in the piece was written to be any other way than how it is (though it all depends on how one reads it). It is ramble-y, but..

spartan 118 : hit it on the head, heh. I don't think it is really a song to say, more or less my thoughts. I could clean it up, but I like how it is just a block of words with in line separations. I think it was actually 'in three days' at the time, but I didn't feel like counting it out. That would add to the tension though (waiting 3 days for a 2 day event (actually, I looked on a calender and am going to change it)). Talking to him? I'm talking to myself about how much I'm going to hate college orientation.

Answered both kind of in the second, but it was easier than typing it out twice.
Lord Gold feeds from your orifices and he wants to see you sweat.
Lord Gold probes you publicly and makes your pussy wet.
Now say his name.....