#1
Hey, these are my second set of lyrics I wrote. I didn't spend an enormous amount of time, probably about 2-3 hours. Like my other song, it's an acoustic piece. Please critique as harshly as you want to, and if you want me to I'll do C4C.

Never Grow Old

I awoke this morning
To a loving face
I was told to pack my bags
And be on my way
As my mom drove me to
The place that Id call jail
I had to raise the mast
Though I could not sail

Left her in a mess of tears
What's the big deal?
I'll be home by quarter to 1
Parting wounds will heal
I arrived into class
The teacher looked to see
A little boy, she turned to say
"Take this advice from me"

Stay young
Stay free
Never let your heart grow cold
Stay here
With me
And never let yourself grow old
Never let yourself grow old

I awoke at noon
My mother screamed at me
"Now it's school again
Not just the summer's peace"
What does she even know?
I mean, I'm eighteen
I'm on top of the world
Nothing can stop my heat

As we both arrived
At my new home
I claimed what would be
My new throne
I took one last glance
At who made me to be
The man I was, and she said
"Take this advice from me"

Stay young
Stay free
Never let your heart grow cold
Stay here
With me
And never let yourself grow old
Never let yourself grow old

I awoke my son
On this beautiful day
He was just like his mom
With not a lot to say
I dropped him off and said
"Son you're finally free.
Respect all you're given,
And take this advice from me"

Stay young
Stay free
Never let your heart grow cold
Stay here
With me
And never let yourself grow old
Never let yourself grow old
#3
Thanks guys.

JC, if you find those lyrics I'd like to see them. If the ones I used are from some other song/poem, I didn't take them intentionally. And the heat part is correct, maybe I should try some other line, but it makes sense to me.
#4
Quote by dsanch3z77
Hey, these are my second set of lyrics I wrote. I didn't spend an enormous amount of time, probably about 2-3 hours. Like my other song, it's an acoustic piece. Please critique as harshly as you want to, and if you want me to I'll do C4C.

Never Grow Old

I awoke this morning
To a loving face
I was told to pack my bags
And be on my way
As my mom drove me to
The place that Id call jail
I had to raise the mast
Though I could not sail
(You did a really nice job with the rhymes here)

Left her in a mess of tears
What's the big deal?
I'll be home by quarter to 1
Parting wounds will heal
I arrived into class
The teacher looked to see
A little boy, she turned to say
"Take this advice from me"
(This stanza clicked nicely)

Stay young
Stay free
Never let your heart grow cold
Stay here
With me
And never let yourself grow old
Never let yourself grow old
(I really liked this; It's catchy)

I awoke at noon
My mother screamed at me
"Now it's school again
Not just the summer's peace"
What does she even know?
I mean, I'm eighteen
I'm on top of the world
Nothing can stop my heat
(I think most people can relate to this because at eighteen, chances are you're an arrogant teenager with a false sense of security, but why 'heat'?)

As we both arrived
At my new home
I claimed what would be
My new throne
I took one last glance
At who made me to be
(I like this line)
The man I was, and she said
"Take this advice from me"

Stay young
Stay free
Never let your heart grow cold
Stay here
With me
And never let yourself grow old
Never let yourself grow old

I awoke my son
On this beautiful day
He was just like his mom
With not a lot to say
I dropped him off and said
"Son you're finally free.
Respect all you're given,
And take this advice from me"
(I'm assuming that this is the mother's point of view. I really like how you switched perspectives; It helps freshen it up)

Stay young
Stay free
Never let your heart grow cold
Stay here
With me
And never let yourself grow old
Never let yourself grow old


I enjoyed reading/critting your piece. It's obvious that you have talent and creativity. Good job.

Thanks for the crit!
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

Last edited by spartan 118 at Jul 20, 2008,
#5
Nice idea of how staying in school has the philosophy that remaining in class will retain your youth.
Didn't like the sailing in the seas bit, its just overused. I've read three pieces with that in it this week. Also the "jail" idea is very cliched.

"Parting wounds will heal
I arrived into class"


It feels like a paragraph should be placed between these two lines.

"Nothing can stop my heat" - fantasic line.

The way you said you "claimed" this was your new "throne" was brilliant. It really showed the blunted and stupidly hopefuly one can be in life.

I really enjoyed the way this lent itself to a real story of life. It flowed very well and set the pace for a typical lifestyle but with a few interesting curve balls as well!

Digitally Clean
#10
Quote by seventh_angel
I liked this in spite of reminding me Creed's "Young Grow Old".

Nonetheless, looks catchy and in a song that doesn't try to be anything more than that, that's the best thing I believe.

Thanks for checking out mine


Really? I looked up Creed's Young Grow Old lyrics and they didn't seem similar at all
Thanks a bunch!