#1
This is one of the first songs I wrote about a girl that was going out with this guy, but the guy treated her like sh**. And I felt like I was a better choice but she didn't like me.
Anyways

here it goes:

When was the last time you were loved?
And say you didn't feel shoved?
When was the la time you have been cared for?
Yeah, and does he like you anymore?

It makes me sick to see you miserable
And its not once in a while its simply continual
You don't need all his stupid crap
If only I had the key to your heart or even a map

Do you really have plans with him?
I see you as a heartbreak victim
Don't you feel like the days are forever
Thats how I feel with you; aint that clever?

When di you think that it'll be okay?
You try to catch him as he trys to breakaway
Cant you understand whats going on?
Soon he will be tired of you and then be gone

(Chorus)
You just dont understand do you?
He does whatever he wants to do to you
Doesn't care about your precious heart
Its been hurting from the very start

One day you will notice what had happened
You will notice how it was mis-shappened
I didn't want to say 'I told you so'
But maybe soon I will have to say 'I told you so'

If you come with me we will be forever
Don't need anybody else, sept eachother
I want to hold you and keep together
Whether the weather, good bad or nether

Just mark my trusty words
I just heard it from little birds
Relax, I wouldnt want to heart your feelings
Wouldn't want to lose you no matter the dealings

(Chorus)
You just dont understand do you?
He does whatever he wants to do to you
Doesn't care about your precious heart
It's been hurting from the very start

(as the song fades)
He doesn't deserve such a girl....


Constructive Critisism please
#2
Not bad at all. There's a very concrete feeling to the song; the words color a "here and now" sense.

There are a few forced rhymes in some spots, and you could use a little more color in the words you use, mostly to add to the feelings you show.

But overall, well written. The song has a strong point.
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#3
The forced rhyming really got to me

If you're going to keep the rhyme scheme, maybe change it in the chorus/verse, in order to provide some kind of contrast.
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#4
My opinion: Grow some balls, It helps... Stops you being a pussy when you write songs.
#5
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Quote by Dred606
My opinion: Grow some balls, It helps... Stops you being a pussy when you write songs.
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