#1
Hello guys
This is a song which took atleast 4 weeks for me to write...
The lyrical theme am following these days is inner struggle,Pain and grief ... for some its all crappy but thats the **** which i pursue these days ...
Criticism is required lol ... i mean **** this is my first piece and in my view its alright u knw,for starters atleast ... I would like to know what u guys think about this ...
so here it is ... 21st of november

So let's talk about,
where it all began,
21st of November,
the day i still remember,
I stare at those pictures,
those thoughts,
those memories,
and wonder where i failed,
(11th of April) (whisper) Heres to you,
your the reason for this song,

With every breath i take,
i pay a prcie,
lying awake,
i fade away,
Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
You were mine afterall

Fading memories,
return to life,
Collecting dreams,
shattered by you,
Thought You'd take,
only a few

Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
You were mine afterall

And when it's all,
said and done,
Your memories,
still haunt me

Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
Wish you were mine
Afterall ...

Thats it ... It's a bit long ... but **** i felt that stuff so i tried my best to pen my thoughts ... actually i play in a band and the drummer who is usually the songwriter gave me an opportunity to write ... we usually dun write about love or stuff,coz i mean we guys play heavy metal or sometimes thrash and usually bands like these its a tough task to dwell on these issues ... atleast thats what i was told, but i've taken my chance and wrote this piece ... I am submitting it tomorrow or day after so if u guys would let me know abt any changes i would be grateful ... And this time i would also suggest to the members to play it somewhat in the style of Anathema or maybe even As i Lay dying ... Coz they are good with these lyrics ...
Would like ur suggestions,comments and maybe even a correction or two
Thanks
#2
Quote by DesolationJD

So let's talk about,
where it all began,
21st of November,
the day i still remember,
This rhyme felt out of place. Normally, it's AABB, not xxBB. Maybe that's just me.
I stare at those pictures,
those thoughts,
those memories,
I can understand deviating from the beaten path a little, but here, you deviated between couplets. These are lines 6 and 7. If these were shifted a line back or foreward, then it would be more natural.
and wonder where i failed,
(11th of April) (whisper) Heres to you,
your the reason for this song,
I like ending on this note. It sums it up saying "This is an introduction."

With every breath i take,
i pay a prcie,
lying awake,
These first three lines screamed to be a triplet. I feel that this would be better...
i fade away,
...by cutting this completely.
Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
You were mine afterall
I don't think it's a problem to leave this hanging here if you switch to triplets. Decent ending.

Fading memories,
return to life,
Collecting dreams,
shattered by you,
If you don't want to rhyme here, that's fine. But in my opinion, this needs a rhyme in here somewhere. The six-line setup injects some awkwardness into it, and so you'd need all the structure you can get.
Thought You'd take,
only a few

Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
You were mine afterall

And when it's all,
said and done,
Your memories,
still haunt me
I thought this was a weak stanza. It doesn't deserve the line break to seperate itself and become a stand-alone stanza. And the last line felt weak.

Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
Wish you were mine
Afterall ...



Not bad, though there are some changes I'd make. As far as subject matter, it seems well presented.
#3
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Not bad, though there are some changes I'd make. As far as subject matter, it seems well presented.


yea the weak stanza issue ... i know its like just there to fill it ... lol ...
And those 4 lines ...
Collecting Dreams,
Shattered by you,
thought you'd,
take only a few ...
i think it should be together i mean coz they are 1 thought u knw ... well u seem to be very good at this stuff ... so do me a favor ... this structure ... like u knw with ur corrections and all post it back ... i can then see if i am comfortable with it
thanks a bunch for ur corrections ...
#4
Well, it's not my song, so I shouldn't post it, but I'll PM it to you, and you can post it as a revision (read the rules on revisions, I don't quite remember them). Give me a bit.
#5
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Well, it's not my song, so I shouldn't post it, but I'll PM it to you, and you can post it as a revision (read the rules on revisions, I don't quite remember them). Give me a bit.


oh yeah sure
u got atleast 17 hours lol
cz i gotta submit it to the guys
thanks once again
#6
Quote by DesolationJD
Hello guys
This is a song which took atleast 4 weeks for me to write...
The lyrical theme am following these days is inner struggle,Pain and grief ... for some its all crappy but thats the **** which i pursue these days ...
Criticism is required lol ... i mean **** this is my first piece and in my view its alright u knw,for starters atleast ... I would like to know what u guys think about this ...
so here it is ... 21st of november

So let's talk about,
where it all began,
21st of November,
the day i still remember,
I stare at those pictures,
those thoughts,
those memories,
and wonder where i failed,
(11th of April) (whisper) Heres to you,
your the reason for this song,
(I believe that this stanza really conveyed the theme of your song in an interesting manner. Good job)

With every breath i take,
i pay a prcie,
lying awake,

(I'm really feeling these two lines)
i fade away,
Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
You were mine afterall

Fading memories,
return to life,
Collecting dreams,
shattered by you,
Thought You'd take,
only a few
(I really don't understand the last two lines here. It sounds cool, but I don't see their relevance to the lyrics)

Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
You were mine afterall

And when it's all,
said and done,
Your memories,
still haunt me
(I felt this stanza was kind of short and uninteresting)

Spend the rest of ur days,
hating me,
just know,
Wish you were mine
Afterall ...

Thats it ... It's a bit long ... but **** i felt that stuff so i tried my best to pen my thoughts ... actually i play in a band and the drummer who is usually the songwriter gave me an opportunity to write ... we usually dun write about love or stuff,coz i mean we guys play heavy metal or sometimes thrash and usually bands like these its a tough task to dwell on these issues ... atleast thats what i was told, but i've taken my chance and wrote this piece ... I am submitting it tomorrow or day after so if u guys would let me know abt any changes i would be grateful ... And this time i would also suggest to the members to play it somewhat in the style of Anathema or maybe even As i Lay dying ... Coz they are good with these lyrics ...
Would like ur suggestions,comments and maybe even a correction or two
Thanks



I think that it's really good for a first piece. You should be proud.

Thanks for the crit!
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#7
Quote by spartan 118
I think that it's really good for a first piece. You should be proud.

Thanks for the crit!


k thanks for the compliment
those 4 lines,
Collecting dreams,
shattered by you,
thought you'd take,
only a few ...
that means that i had so many dreams ... like u shattered all of tehm and now none's left ... all are gone ... like a real feeling of hopelessness ... i hope it conveys it though
#8
21st of November was my dads B day. hes gone now though. I like the song. not direct but good emotion.
#9
Quote by Gregoriose
21st of November was my dads B day. hes gone now though. I like the song. not direct but good emotion.

oh real sorry abt that bro.. May his soul rest in peace ...
thanks for the compliment
yeah 21st of number was a wicked day ... for me too
#10
Quote by DesolationJD

i tried my best to pen my thoughts


Sorry man but it shows, the song just feels forced. try to relax more when you write.
#11
Quote by Dred606
Sorry man but it shows, the song just feels forced. try to relax more when you write.


honestly i wouldn't disagree man ... i was under a deadline and alot of pressure but yes most of these things i felt and went through ... might be a poor effort at expressing but i am trying my best
#12
Well at least you're trying. Alot of the stuff on here just looks like someone puked up a few lines and called it a song. lol

Check mine out. Let me know what you think.
#13
Quote by DesolationJD
oh real sorry abt that bro.. May his soul rest in peace ...
thanks for the compliment
yeah 21st of number was a wicked day ... for me too

yeah its all good. its kind of a day of rememberance for me.