#1
hey ,
this is my first lyrical try. I wrote this few days ago, i would appreciate your critics or what else: what you think of this. I know im no good in this but i will try my best to develope myself in this lyrical skills.. so give me feedback please

hang loose
cheeers#


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verse1:
i said hey whats your name
i wanna like to go where you like to stay
im sittin here for long watchin you
your fancy dress
your dainty flow

i think i need time for this
to understand
this certain lines you're crossing
this certain lines you're crossing
this certain lines you're crossing

verse2:
when i started to tell you this
i took the time to try and consider
the actions that had led me here
my broken heart
my roaming soul

i think i need time for this
to understand
this certain lines you're crossing
this certain lines you're crossing
this certain lines you're crossing

verse 3:
she left me when the morning came
dont beat about the bush i said
tried a new one got up - its propably too late
shut your gob off i dont care

i think i need time for this
to understand
this certain lines you're crossing
this certain lines you're crossing
this certain lines you're crossing

verse 4
i tried to adjust your grief
to comply your appeal
and to beware yourselfs innocence
you cried awful tears
but i dont mind
a needle in my chest
a vicious fight

verse 5:
you tried to evade the demand
like you always do
stuck behind a wall
no emotions you live for your crew
i cant stand this any more...
my father predicts
my mother depicts
clear this for you

Bridge:

dont rob me my words
take yourself into my position..
this shades in your eyes
i tried to fix them twice

instrumental outro.
#2
If this is your first then your doing pretty well. But you REALLY need to work on your grammar, and its a little abstract. Choose words more carefully, sometimes they just don't fit or make sense. But your on the right track!
#3
in verse 4 / 5 and outro i tried to use different words what do you think of these pieces and the pieces above verse 4 ? which do you like better ?