#1
There’s a monster under your bed,
He’s looming over your head.
You invited him in and now he won’t leave
He’s killing you, but you won’t believe.

His affliction, your addiction, is starting to show.
He’s in your wallet, in your pocket, where ever you go,
Out of sight, out of mind (the death of us all)
He builds you up, til you’re on top (to make sure you fall)
So pack your things, clip your wings and move away,
Find a place, in your disgrace, to peacefully decay.

The worst part is you know its wrong,
And you’ve known it all along
*So tell me you didn’t kill my brother
You selfish –(Guitar part interrupts)*

There’s still a monster underneath your bed,
And he looms closer over your head.
You invited him in and he’ll never leave
He's killing you, but you don’t believe.

You misuse, and you abuse your frienemy,
That’s on you, but never meant **** to me,
If we’d met, you’d regret, because now I’m dead,
Blackened soul, heart of coal and brain of lead
So work your jaw, as you withdraw, your still infected
Losing your mind while your need is slowly resurrected.

The best part is you haven’t got much longer,
His hold is getting slowly stronger
Premature burial and selfless suicide,
Your flame goes out as unoticed as the tide.

There was a monster underneath your bed,
And he loomed high over your head.
You invited him in and now you’re being grieved,
He killed you, but you never believed.

Now you sit in a hole and while you corrode,
Watch as millions other people, go down that road.
So many lives, and no one seems to learn
A global suicide for the chilling burn.
The eighth wonder of the world is official
You idiots thought it was beneficial.

I just felt like writing, and this is what I wrote. I'm sure most people can identify the monster under the guys bed Would like some constructive feed back and just to hear what people think of it.
Last edited by NinthDetour at Jul 21, 2008,
#2
Quote by NinthDetour
There’s a monster under your bed,
He’s looming over your head.
You invited him in and now he won’t leave
He’s killing you, but you won’t believe.
Nothing really to say on this part, I think it's good.

His affliction, your addiction, is starting to show.
He’s in your wallet, in your pocket, where ever you go,
I like these lines
Out of site, out of mind (the death of us all)
Sight
He builds you up, til you’re on top (to make sure you fall)
So just walk along the streets of Italy,
And let yourself becoming him so idly.
Last line I think is the weakest. After the apparent rhyming structure, the Italy - idly thing doesn't really work. Also, is it suppose to be 'become'?

The worst part is you know its wrong,
And you’ve known it all along
So tell me you didn’t kill my brother
You selfish –(Guitar part interrupts)
First two lines are good. 3rd is very random and comes out of nowhere, and I can't really see a place that it's elaborated on. Also, the 4th line doesn't feel good either.

There’s still a monster underneath your bed,
And he looms closer over your head.
You invited him in and he’ll never leave
You’re killing you, but you don’t believe.
'You're killing you' does not sound good

You misuse, and you abuse your frienemy,
I'm assuming you made up frienemy
That’s on you, but never meant **** to me,
If we’d met, you’d regret, because now I’m dead,
Blackened soul, heart of coal and brain of lead
This line is kind of cool
So work your jaw, as you withdraw, your still infected
Loosing your mind while your need is slowly resurrected.
Losing

The best part is you haven’t got much longer,
His hold is getting slowly stronger
Premature burial and selfless suicide,
Your life was a regular Jekyll and Hyde.
Better than the 'the worst part' stanza; again, I feel like the fourth line is weak

There was a monster underneath your bed,
And he loomed high over your head.
You invited him in and now you’re being grieved,
He killed you, but you never believed.

Now you sit in a hole and while you corrode,
Watch as millions other people, go down that road.
My favorite two lines. Does the comma between people and go show a break or pause or something? If so, I would suggest removing it, as it flows nicely
So many lives, and no one seems to learn
A global suicide for the inner burn.
The eight wonder of the world is official
People thought it was beneficial.
Kind of weak ending

I just felt like writing, and this is what I wrote. I'm sure most people can identify the monster under the guys bed Would like some constructive feed back and just to hear what people think of it.


There's my 2 cents.
Thanks for the critique!
#3
The Italy idoly thing is off a news article I read, where a bunch of religous nuts won a trial that allowed smoking because it was part of their relgion. I'm not a huge fan of that line, but do want that somewhere along the line (i'll work on it). I'll work on the 3rd and Fourth line. of that one verse (I agree, it looks stupid reading it now).

The comma is a very brief pause, as our current lead singer tends to have a hard time singing near the end. It's more of a "take a quick breathe here" rather then an actual pause. My grammar sucks. Thanks for the crit I'll get working on that stuff.

The eding probably won't end there. I'm sure I'll think of one last chorus line to go their.

Edit: Frienemy is actually a word. It's slang I believe, but ti basically means someone who you think is close to you that has a primary motive.
Last edited by NinthDetour at Jul 21, 2008,
#4
Quote by NinthDetour
There’s a monster under your bed,
He’s looming over your head.
You invited him in and now he won’t leave
He’s killing you, but you won’t believe.
Forced rhymes here are not the most pleasant.

His affliction, your addiction, is starting to show.
Nice internal rhyme here.
He’s in your wallet, in your pocket, where ever you go,
Out of sight, out of mind (the death of us all)
He builds you up, til you’re on top (to make sure you fall)
So pack your things, clip your wings and move away,
Find a place, in your disgrace, to peacefully decay.
A few cliched ideas, but in general it was a decent verse.

The worst part is you know its wrong,
And you’ve known it all along
*So tell me you didn’t kill my brother
You selfish –(Guitar part interrupts)*
You don't need to add the (" ") above, it does nothing for this and it certianly doesn't lend any favors for my own imagination.

There’s still a monster underneath your bed,
And he looms closer over your head.
You invited him in and he’ll never leave
He's killing you, but you don’t believe.

You misuse, and you abuse your frienemy,
That’s on you, but never meant **** to me,
You adorned the vulgar langauge here, but you did not previously? Why?

If we’d met, you’d regret, because now I’m dead,
Blackened soul, heart of coal and brain of lead
So work your jaw, as you withdraw, your still infected
Losing your mind while your need is slowly resurrected.

The best part is you haven’t got much longer,
His hold is getting slowly stronger
Premature burial and selfless suicide,
Your flame goes out as unoticed as the tide.

There was a monster underneath your bed,
And he loomed high over your head.
You invited him in and now you’re being grieved,
He killed you, but you never believed.

Now you sit in a hole and while you corrode,
Watch as millions other people, go down that road.
So many lives, and no one seems to learn
A global suicide for the chilling burn.
The eighth wonder of the world is official
You idiots thought it was beneficial.

I just felt like writing, and this is what I wrote. I'm sure most people can identify the monster under the guys bed Would like some constructive feed back and just to hear what people think of it.


I got half way through this and I became tired. I'm just exhausted and this piece didn't wow me enough to force myself to stay awake. I'll hopefully return, if you want me to, to lend a few more hints and some constructive ciricitsm.

Digitally Clean
#5
There are no "" markers. Thats just to show that the current part is being worked on, as I am unsatisfied with it. The vulgar langugae isn't that terrible. I never say the f word. It's sheit that is edited for whatever reason. "Anything" didn't flow as well. Anyway, I realize it isn't a wowing piece yet. I'm not great at writing songs, and wrote this in a short period of time. I would very much appericate your return and cricitsm. I've tried writing without the rhyming structure, and I could never find a flow That's something I know I need to work on. But I can't make great work without learning what people like and dislike. Keep the comments coming! Anything wil do.