#1
This is a song I wrote about one of my friends who does to many drugs. Crit it up, ill crit you back.


All this time
You have said to me
"My life is fine, I need no sympathy"
But you know
Just how deep you are
Bolted to the back seat of a water filling car.

So you find
Bliss in company
Of candy coated bandits
That can drop you to your knees
But you know
Just how ****ed you are
You're kicking out the windows,
Kicking out the windows.

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.

Now I'm done
Fighting back the tide
There's no getting through into
What it wants to hide
And you'le find
The secrets kept beneath
Are coming out to haunt you
Are coming out to haunt you

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.
#2
not bad man, but you're right - he does too many drugs.

not nearly as good as the coffee stain !
#3
All this time
You have said to me
"My life is fine, I need no sympathy"
But you know
Just how deep you are
Bolted to the back seat of a water filling car.

So you find
Bliss in company
Of candy coated bandits
That can drop you to your knees
But you know
Just how ****ed you are
You're kicking out the windows,
Kicking out the windows.
Love the first four lines of this stanza

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.
I really like this stanza/chorus
The only change I would make to this is drop the "even" to read
Would you take


Now I'm done
Fighting back the tide
There's no getting through into
What it wants to hide
And you'le find
The secrets kept beneath
Are coming out to haunt you
Are coming out to haunt you
"And you will find"

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.

Other than what I have noted I think this song is pretty good. Mind you I'm not the best critic in the world, it's only my opinion
Feel free to crit my songs
#4
Quote by Smoothrider_41
This is a song I wrote about one of my friends who does to many drugs. Crit it up, ill crit you back.


All this time
You have said to me
"My life is fine, I need no sympathy"
Not a huge fan of this beginning, didn't really pull me in too strongly.
But you know
Just how deep you are
Bolted to the back seat of a water filling car.

So you find
Bliss in company
Of candy coated bandits
This section is great. I really like the wording
That can drop you to your knees
But you know
Just how ****ed you are
You're kicking out the windows,
Kicking out the windows.
This repetition, I thought, was pretty effective here.

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cool way of throwing yourself into the lyrics.
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.
Simile comparing the situation to another part of the song, very very nice.

Now I'm done
Fighting back the tide
This is a pretty overused metaphor here. A little creativity would do wonders for this line.
There's no getting through into
What it wants to hide
And you'le find
The secrets kept beneath
Are coming out to haunt you
Are coming out to haunt you
This repetition was okay, but not as good as the last one.

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.


I really liked this. Good meaning and execution. If you could, please crit the newest one in my signature.
#5
Hey...good song, i liked reading it a lot. I respectfully disagree with a previous poster that wasn't huge on the opening stanza. I liked it. I roped me right in and i wouldn't change a thing.

The chorus is pretty sweet. I really like everything accept for the bleeding on the floor line. maybe if you changed bleeding to unconscious ? I'm not sure if that would f.uck up the rythm at all but i feel it would be a more effective word choice. I don't think the imagery of bleeding fits with the popping pills idea..perhaps if the song was about needle drugs it would work better. In addition i feel like i've heard that line in a few different songs before. changing it would only make your more original

also..the last verse ins't quite as strong as the rest of the song. The part from "Now i'm done..." to "...are coming out ot haunt you" they're certainlly not bad they just are not on the same level as the rest of the song. unfortuanatly i can't think of any suggestions, sorry.

Well, thats all i've got! i really liked reading it and it felt really personal and believable. Good luck with your writing and your friend

feel free to crit mine if you have a chance...
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=911164
#7
I like "candy coated bandits" I wasn't in love with the rest of it, you (imo) didn't do/add anything to the drowning/drug theme that hasn't been done. And this theme has been used a lot. I'd love a different symbolism for drugs taking over a person's life.
#8
Quote by Smoothrider_41
This is a song I wrote about one of my friends who does to many drugs. Crit it up, ill crit you back.


All this time
You have said to me
"My life is fine, I need no sympathy"
But you know
Just how deep you are
Bolted to the back seat of a water filling car.
Not too keen on this opening

So you find
Bliss in company
Of candy coated bandits
Even though everyone has said it, I have to say it. I love this
That can drop you to your knees
But you know
Just how ****ed you are
You're kicking out the windows,
Kicking out the windows.
Good 2nd verse. Vast improvement over the first IMO

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.
Good chorus, it flows nicely

Now I'm done
Fighting back the tide
There's no getting through into
What it wants to hide
Not really feeling these 4 lines
And you'le find
The secrets kept beneath
Are coming out to haunt you
Are coming out to haunt you
Not that bad. First use of repitition is better

And if I found the path to follow
Would you even take
One step outside your door?
Cuz this is getting tough to swallow
Like those pills that left you
bleeding on the floor.


Not that bad.
C4C? Check out either of them in my sig