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#1
mine has to be by James P Connolly when he said I know what every woman wants in life... security. Thats what they ask for everytime i approach one in a bar
#2
Where's that GIF I made???

Bah, search man, I swear I saw this.
Join cashcrate to make easy money. It may be tedious, but it does indeed work! Easily make $100 in about a week filling out random surveys.
#3
"i love ihop, because theres always someone there thats 250 lbs more then youll ever weigh"
- lewis black
Quote by HeretiK538
Totally awesome, I love you.

Have my children.

#4
"Have you ever tried cooking a Hot Pocket without the sleeve? Don't do it! I tried it once and my house exploded." - Jim Gaffigan
"Let's not be too rough on our own ignorance. I mean, after all, it's the thing that makes America great." - Frank Zappa while on the Arsenio Hall Show

Quote by vintage x metal
On a side note, TS, love the username. I'd kill to be under you.
#5
I like it how finger puppets sounds okay as a noun..
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#6
"The reason I can say fag is because i'm full of hate." - Eugene Mirman, talking about how people say you need a reason to say words like that.

Edit:
The whole thing is hilarious, quote's ^ from this (That bit's at like 3:45)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=twRZC-R_DTg
Quote by woodenbandman
I guess that the rebellious, strong guy is more appealing than the guy who worships the ground you walk on and would take a bullet for you.

Gear:
Cordoba C5-Ce
Martin DX121
Martin LXM
Ibanez S520EX-> Weeping Demon Wah-> Roland Cube 20x
Last edited by Human Contact at Jul 21, 2008,
#7
Quote by Human Contact
"The reason I can say fag is because i'm full of hate." - Eugene Mirman, talking about how people say you need a reason to say words like that.




That's great.
I simply cannot take this god-awful place anymore. Goodbye to all the good people here. The rest can fuck off.

#8
"It's not a war on drugs, it's a war on personal freedoms."

-- Bill Hicks.
Top 5 Rush Songs:
1. La Villa Strangiato
2. Natural Science
3. The Main Monkey Business
4. Vital Signs
5. Subdivisions



Complete Atomic Basie by Count Basie.


Ask me shit: formspring.me/howthiswork
#9
"i used to do drugs... I still do drugs, but I used to too" Mitch Hedburg
"Sex can be a beautiful thing between the right man and the right woman. Sometimes it's hard to get between them though." Stolen from somewhere

anything by mitch hedberg actually

also Jack Handey. Jack Handey is my inspiration.

Yeah. The rumors are true. I'm a twat.
#10
dave mordal teaching survival:"if you get hungry, just look at what the animals are eating. then shoot one"
Emerse your soul in love


You used to be alright What happened?


Yellow tigers crouched in jungles in her Dark Eyes .
#11
Bill Bailey - "A feminist jumped out of a manhole, she didn't like that."
#13
Lewis Black-“If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.”

He always makes me laugh
They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion.


-Ginger Baker
#14
.... .... Michael Jackson!
Quote by 20cdndollars
You are god, floppypick



Floppydick


If that's how you read my name, leave a message saying so on my profile
#15
Jim Norton

"Thanks for risking your life and coming to this neighbourhood"

"I found a wonderful way to end an evening, when it gets real quiet at the table just blurt out 'I sure would love to f*** that Dakota Fanning!'"
Opie and Anthony Fan
XM 202 | SIRIUS 197
Linger Longer
#17
Quote by Liam.
Jim Norton

"Thanks for risking your life and coming to this neighbourhood"

"I found a wonderful way to end an evening, when it gets real quiet at the table just blurt out 'I sure would love to f*** that Dakota Fanning!'"


Haha, I love Jim Norton.
My Gear:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Guitars:
Gibson Explorer, Worn Cherry-

Amps:
Fender Roc Pro 1000 - 1 x 12 Combo, 100 watts, Hybrid


Effects:
Blues Driver Keeley Modded
#18
I can't remember it exactly, but:

Mike Birbiglia-
Black man- "Yo what's up cracka'?"
M.B.- "-.-"
Black man- "Oh, it's okay. I have white friends."
It all makes sense
We're capable of beauty
Through sounds that make on cringe
The dogs only hear us now

#19
Quote by spartan 118
I can't remember it exactly, but:

Mike Birbiglia-
Black man- "Yo what's up cracka'?"
M.B.- "-.-"
Black man- "Oh, it's okay. I have white friends."



Haha birbigs- "Cracka, Please!"
They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion.


-Ginger Baker
#20
Quote by richiemokkiez
Unfortunately, "I'm Rick James, bitch."


That, I swear, makes me chuckle whenever I think about it.
#21
"This is worth more than 50p."
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#22
"I'M OVERAWAAAAKE"

Aside from that, there's plenty of quotes from Lee Evans, Dylan Moran and Ross Noble. Too many to count.
Quote by SteveHouse
Also you're off topic. This thread is about Reva eating snowmen.
#23
"someone gonna get a hurt REAAAL bad..." russell peters
Quote by drunkinkoala
you can be jesus.


Quote by Wesseem
most useless response i think i have ever seen on any forum ever.


Quote by Turkeyburger





Lolflag
#24
It's not my all time favorite, but check my sig.
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#25
Ralphie May:

What are dem crackers doin' out in the middle of the ochen (ocean, prounounces it ochen)?!. Dey goin 'cuba divin'? You ain't never get me to go 'cuba divin', don't dos crackers know they get soggy when they go in water?

Love it.
Quote by Ur all $h1t
I stick stuff in my pee hole.

Gear:

Schecter C-1 Classic
Ibanez S670PB
Stratocaster MIM Standard
Marshall MG30 (its purple )
Dunlop Crybaby Wah
#26
Ralphie May
Copo you no why i pulled you over
Ralphie: You smelled these
(shows cop box of doughnuts)
-and-
Jim Gaffagan "HOT POCKETS"
My Insonia problem has led me to the conclusion that my front lawns sprinklers do indeed come on at 2 AM. I now find timers very trustworthy objects

(\__/)
(='.'=)
(")_(")
itsa bunny
#27
Dylan Moran: I don't see children nowadays, I see youths, as they are described in police radio reports. Slumped "S" shapes in their hoods, sitting around a bin full of burning grannies, all texting each other, because they've given up on speech. When I walk past them, I do this thing, where I push my keys through the spaces between my fingers, so if I do have hit one, I'll fucking KILL 'EM!

Bill Hicks:You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty ****ing cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
Quote by DrewsGotTheLife
yea man, who ever doesnt like pantera or think they suck doesnt like metal, end of discussion, they changed the freakin world n made history, so don't be sayin they suck, have respect, same goes for machine head n lamb of god cuz their good too
#28
I can only remembe one really good one since I saw it last night. "I used to work at a pickle factory. I got fired for sticking my finger into the pickle slicer."


"She got fired too."
Quote by bdfs05
u got me

Quote by alyxmelia
your a sick young lady tbh
#29
Quote by Ex'sAndOh's
I like it how finger puppets sounds okay as a noun..


haha demetri martin is the ****

o and mitch hedberg

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
ED REED BABY
Last edited by TerpsRHCP at Jul 21, 2008,
#30
To the person with the doughnuts, that was Gabriel Iglacies not Ralphie May.

Do you ever notice that most women who are anti-abortion you wouldn't want to **** in the first place?

R.I.P. Carlin
Quote by Son.Of.TheViper
Hmm... seems the thread has been taken over by a swimming pool filled with sperm.

Quote by iantheman
Whenever I run out of tissues, I get worried that I'll be caught hopping through the hallway with my pants around my knees, a dying erection, and a fist full of semen.
#31
"I don't have a girlfriend, I just know a woman who would be really upset if she heard me say that."- Mitch Hedberg.
When crying don't help
You can't compose yourself
It's best to compose a poem
An honest verse of longing
Or a simple song of hope...
#32
"i went into a bar with my friends, i had to go to the bathroom,
i sat down and someone had written on the wall,
metallica rules, and under that
metallica sucks, under that it said
you suck, under that it said
f**k you,
i just thought man, alot of people sh*t with pens,"
#33
Quote by TerpsRHCP

o and mitch hedberg

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."



I love that joke. But I've actually seen an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" Sign...roped off and everything. I was like wtf?!?!


Too bad Mitch died, he was a hell of a comedian.


"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. "

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. "

"I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. "

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. "

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. "

Mitch Hedberg - RIP
#34
U know how long it took me to teach this monkey to suck my dick, without peeling it first?!?!- Dave Chappelle
#35
bill bailey - i'm quite lucky.....because I have a small decorative concrete pig.... just randomly says that in the middle of a show.
also bill bailey - i'm aled jones, its all gon wrong for me
DONT RISK IT, BUY A BASS AMP
#36
"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
- Jack Handey

"Never cover an owl with a blanket."
- Ross Noble
#37
George Carlin talking about Dogs and what they are thinking when they are staring at you:

"Please............Daddy!!!...Just ONE!.....MORE!....Treat???
AMPS:
Bugera 333XL
Orange AD30
VoxAC30cc2
ELECTRIC GUITARS:
Les Paul Standard 60s Neck
Jackson DKM2
Godin Solidac
ACOUSTICS:
Taylor 714CE
#1 Influence:
RUSH!!!
#38
"I wanna keep bees. I wanna KEEP EM'!!! so they don't get away. I wanna put'em on elastic so they go get pollen and they GET BACK HERE!!!" - Eddie Izzard

"Bad dog, stole a biscuit, bad dog, and the dog says, "who are you to judge me? you humans, you have wars, you have genocide, you slaughter people for different color skin, and I stole a biscuit?? I ate some food to keep me alive? is that a crime!?!?!" - Eddie Izzard - it's way funnier if you actually hear him say it though

"I once heard someone say I like kids. I thought, hey that's cool, a little weird though. It's like saying I like people for a little while" - Demetri Martin

both of those guys are hilarious
Last edited by samick007 at Jul 21, 2008,
#40
"I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so that I could serve a hotdog to teenagers."
"You have both your legs."
"Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam."

RIP man.
Like podcasts? Listen to these!
BEER!
VIDEO GAMES!
MOVIES/GEEKY SHIT!

_______________________________________________
Last edited by zappp : Today at 4:20 PM. Reason: Suck on my balls, UG
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