#1
Just as a little disclaimer, you probably won't like this piece. It's more of an exercise for me because I haven't been able to write for the past 3 weeks or so, and I'm trying to get it back. lol So let me know what I did wrong, how to fix it, etc. And of course leave a link for me to check out. =)

Wrapped up tight,
I'm hiding.
I fear the light.

Why should you see
into my soul,
while it still eludes me?

All those nights
pressed against you
still haunt me.
Vision in,
sight out,
all blocked.

In our own little world we sat,
underneath the summer moon,
Deluged in emotion.

Staring into vast outreaches,
counting the heaven-lights,
Held securely on earth
by your arms and mine,
Our souls dared to
venture to the sky,
The sky's the limit,
Reach for the stars,

We set our dreams
just high enough
to fall as far
as needed.

Damn going too fast,
damn trying to slow down,
Dammit.
Dammit.
Dammit.
Dammit
#2
I actually liked it quite a bit. The story told is one that many I think could relate to and it's told well and succinctly. The fifth stanza feels a little strained, I think it could be better if formed into 2 separate pieces. I also don't understand the last stanza, it doesn't seem to fit into the song well, i think because you switched from past to present tense. The dammit's aren't the problem, I'm just confused about the whens. I also didn't like the "deluged in emotion" line. If this makes any sense, the magnitude of the word deluge doesn't match the rest of the verse for me, it seems like too much. Definitely good work though, its brevity is one of its strongest points.

My Songs:

Unraveled

Lie Awake In Fear