#1
reach.

i walked outside
and studied the sky.
searched the wind,
tried to find myself
wrapped in some conduit
of benevolent purity
amidst ghosts and
human logic.
i saw a plastic bag
carried by the breeze;
what an idiot.
told myself to stop
watching movies.
found a pile of leftover
leaves from last autumn;
dove in and
made them mine.
smoked a cigarette
and blew o-rings
around wandering mosquitos.
what a good day.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 22, 2008,
#2
Kent, you're obviously a UG black user
yellow is nearly unreadable against UG classic background.

EDIT: I should have sent you a PM to this effect. Bad judgment on my part.
Back with a crit tomorrow.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jul 22, 2008,
#3
Lol, I refuse to crit unless black.


SYK you seem to be well known around here, would you mind checking out mine and saying something.
#4
*vacant spot for deleted embarassing overreaction*
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 22, 2008,
#5
SYK/Other guy: That really is spam, just let it go next time.

Matt: DO NOT ask someone else for a critique in someone's thread. You want a critique from him, either go and critique one of his pieces and hope he hits you back, or pm him and ask for one and hope he does it. To do it here is just not smart.

Kent,

Next time, take the high road man. I can see where you were pissed... I can see why, but next time, just ask them politely to stop, it will keep your ass out of trouble.

As to the piece, the first 4 lines are so bland I almost stopped reading. I'm glad I kept going, you has some sparkling ideas in hte middle. This fell somewhere between mediocre and fun for me. I really don't have anything else to say.

And if you seriously want it closed, PM me and I will. But I think it will be fine.
#6
I liked reading this more than almost anything I can remember reading from you honestly. first four lines are far from boring. I would prefer some varying syntax/line length/sentence length, but in the form it is it works well. I want you to write some closed form. it will be a challenge. I think you need a challenge.
#7
I agree with zC. While reading the first four lines I was wondering if you had written this at all, or if someone had hijacked your account. After that it began to pick up until it arrived at your normal pace.

i saw a plastic bag
carried by the breeze;

was a beautiful image. No shitting around here, just a simple and clear picture. I also really loved made them mine, because the line breaks finally began to come together. Up until then I was slightly disappointed with the flow, and I know I know, that's just how you write (deja vu ten times over) but I can't help but ask for a setup that fits the content. How to arrange this I have no clue, I'm not pretending to know more of your writing than you. I just know that I have... desires...

(this is going down a comically deceptive road, but I'll digress)

Instead of o-rings, which looks and sounds awkward in my mind, I'd much rather read it as just rings. The last line was almost soothing, like it kept building up for something that I never wanted or expected to come, and that relieved me of my tension.

As a classic Kent piece, it was no disappointment.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.