#1
hai !

i tried to write a song.. this is my first try ! please give me comments about this how you like / critics / etc.

thanks guys !
-------
verse:
i tried to adjust your grief
to comply your appeal
and to beware yourselfs innocence
you cried awful tears
but i dont mind
a needle in my chest
a vicious fight

instrumental chorus

verse :
you tried to evade the demand
like you always do
stuck behind a wall
no emotions you live for your crew
i cant stand this any more...
my father predicts
my mother depicts
clear this for you

instrumental chorus

Bridge:

dont rob me my words
take yourself into my position..
this shades in your eyes
i tried to fix them twice

instrumental outro

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#2
Quote by vanspirit
hai !

i tried to write a song.. this is my first try ! please give me comments about this how you like / critics / etc.

thanks guys !
-------
verse:
i tried to adjust your grief
to comply your appeal
Lovely beginning but the word "comply" doesn't work at all here.
and to beware yourselfs innocence
Odd termanology here I am not overly keen on. It feels like you have changed tenses around to fit rhyme, but there is no rhyme!
you cried awful tears
but i dont mind
Very sweet and tender feeling. I think the lack of capitalization here helps evoke a feeling of aching compassion - I was going to suggest using proper punctuation but it actually works.
a needle in my chest
a vicious fight
This alters the ambience quite drastically and slaps it into in a different framework of thought patterns; something I am not particularly spirited towards.

instrumental chorus
Unecessary, although it does explain the lack of a chorus and to some, that would be odd; I personally find it interesting to have no chorus.

verse :
you tried to evade the demand
like you always do
Gorgeous.
stuck behind a wall
OK...ish
no emotions you live for your crew
Word positions here baffle me.
i cant stand this any more...
my father predicts
my mother depicts
Powerful stuff...
clear this for you
...up until this point, it totally detracts from the feeling you were so spectacularly portraying.

instrumental chorus

Bridge:

dont rob me my words
Sounds vulgar and forceful, a totall contradiction to the feeling of sweet sincerity you previously adopted.
take yourself into my position..
this shades in your eyes
i tried to fix them twice
The last line is nice but the preceding ones are not of my taste.

instrumental outro

----


Tender and very admirable, but good be better.

Digitally Clean
#4
first of all : thanks ! so goldfish i tried to adjust the problems you mentioned.. here it is , tell me how you like the adjusted version !

cheeers#
----

Verse :

I tried to adjust your grief
To consent your appeal
and to beware yourselfs innocence
you cried awful tears
but I don’t mind
a needle in my chest
a vicious fight

Verse:

You tried to evade the demand
Like you always do
The curtain of tears
I can’t stand this any more
my father predicts
my mother depicts
clear this for you

Bridge:

Don’t rob me my words
take yourself into my position
this shades in your eyes
I tried to fix them twice
#5
Better! Refinement is a slow process and you can keep altering it and perfecting it at your own pace if you really feel like it can be an awesome piece. Have that faith in yourself and you'll be grand.