#1
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
light
on my feet
but heavy is my heart
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
here for a moment
before we take flight
#2
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
light
on my feet
but heavy is my heart
one last dance
before we part
I like the work with "light" and "heavy," although you used "heave" twice without three or so lines. Personal thing, though.

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
here for a moment
before we take flight
Not much to say here


Not a bad piece. I've read good stuff from you, so I was expecting something that would really blow me away and to be honest I didn't really get it here.
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#3
wishing for the cool of night
This would be much more intriguing if I hadn't
read it a hundred times before, along with
the first part of the next line. I'm tempted to
say it's unable to be cliche though, and on second
read I really enjoyed the way it fits in.
A lot of talk on my part, no suggestions, sorry.

my brow heavy, with sun
light
on my feet
As you know I enjoy this type of line breakage,
and you did a really nice job with the flow here.

but heavy is my heart
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
here for a moment
It doesn't have the same pick up and go as the last one,
but it's very smooth and natural to read.

before we take flight


I really have no suggestions or criticism for you this time. This flowed very elegantly, it was a beautiful read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
light
on my feet
loved the line break
but heavy is my heart
not so sure I liked the repetition of heavy
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
liked the repetition
here for a moment
possibly could be improved if the light ran on in to the next line as easily as it did the last time
before we take flight
this line felt weak next to the rest of the piece
it fitted, of course
just didn't punch me in the face
or make me want to fly.


It was nice, well put together and great imagery and felt good to read. Could do with a bit more seasoning.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
This is an effectionate way to show how developed you are as a writer. You have turned a rather cliched idea and image into something delicate and trustworthy by simply adding "of".
my brow heavy, with sun
light
Interesting line break that is smart and fluid. It contrasts very comfortably with the "cool of night" idea, something I am not overly keen on - its very simple - but it works neatly.
on my feet
but heavy is my heart
one last dance
before we part
This is, once again, very simple in its wordage, but it flows so peacefully, you don't mind at all. In fact, if you had used complicated terms it would instantly detract from the honesty and subtlety.

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
Because you don't add punctuation, I don't fully comply with the way you skip to the next line, but I think that is just a personal thing.
here for a moment
before we take flight


Sweet stuff. It doesn't hit a particularly spot that is very tender and emotional, but it certainly feels very right and very loving with the obvious skill and class, predominant in yourself.

Digitally Clean
#7
k bro, lets get it on. on a first read I really liked it. on a second and third I'm not so sure. I will proceed to pick it apart in a stream of consciousness method that I utilized years ago.

No need for "of". doesnt strengthen the image I get. poetic for the sake of being poetic and it's wordy. every word counts, if it isnt necesary to the piece, get rid of it. the line break "wit" is silly and I grew it hate it. It made me smile for a second and then made me ask "then what?" So you can turn a phrase and have some puns, doesnt that only distract from the message you hope to impart? Won't I only be caught up in your pseudo wit as oppose to the image presented in the piece? on top of that, how do I know which meaning of the word I should internalize in this context (as on one read I'm only smart enough to retain one)? It was confusing and gimmicked. There are times where entire pieces can be built on wit but this one, I believe, bids for a much more simple and straightforward approach. The "wit" did nothing but make the crowd quickly smile (and then forget) and confuse. Be careful in the future with the turns of phrase. This is passable but I wanted to give you a few different points of view on the matter.

"but heavy is my heart" read like you were purposely trying to be a poetic douchebag. It is no longer the venacular and just sounds horrid. just say my heart is heavy (even though that is one of the most uninteresting lines I've seen in a while), at least then you'll be saying what you mean succinctly and in a way people won't be caught up on your syntax. don't know what to think about the next two lines, you don't expand on the ideas and I think another line or two is needed to set up the context. I believe it needs exposition. At least a little.

The next three lines work excellently. This "wit" works as it is simple metaphor. the last two lines brought nothing new to the table, nothing that the first stanza didnt set up. You just rephrased. Did nothing for me.

Hope I at least gave you some things to think about. I liked the flow quite a bit by the way, and the ideas were cool, just not complete and not meshing.

if you could please: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=914497



Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
light
on my feet
but heavy is my heart
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
here for a moment
before we take flight
#8
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
light
This line break is brilliant, I really enjoyed it
on my feet
but heavy is my heart
The contrast here between "light" and "heavy" works well
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
I'm not too keen on this line, it seems too abrupt, and it is taking the focus away from the dancer and the partner. It feels to me like you've forced it in there so you could use "light" again.
but I don't have a
light
The use of the line break the second time was not as effective. It doesn't flow as well, and is not as captivating, as in the first stanza.
here for a moment
before we take flight
This seems like a forced ending to me.


Overall, I am left wanting more from this piece. The first stanza pulled me in easily but the second failed to leave me satisfied. I'm not a big fan of the smoking imagery, it seems trivial and pointless. I wanted to know more about the people in this piece.

On a whole I didn't like your second stanza, it ruined the piece for me. Probably because it hasn't really expanded on the first verse. The first focuses on the character's feelings and how he is being affected, and the second is about nothing really. It has no real meaning, no real purpose other than to reuse the line break with "light". There are too many loose ends left by this second stanza.

But the first verse was great, I really liked it. The imagery was good and the line breaks really added another dimension to the piece.

But, thats just me...
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
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#9
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
light
on my feet
This line confused me. Is there light on your brow or feet? Or is light opposite of heavy? Because if it is, than the line break hurt a whole lot. And more so, the language in the next line should be "heavy ON my heart", right?
but heavy is my heart
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
here for a moment
This didn't feel connected to the previous thought, and it can't stand as the beginning to another sentence.
before we take flight


The piece had this freeform air about it, because of the "light" line break thing, but it didn't feel cohesive or pointful. If the "last dance" part is referring to light (which I can't really tell), then I don't know what emotion to feel about it. Just my two cents.
#10
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
wishing for the cool of night
my brow heavy, with sun
me thinks it would read better if you subtract the comma, and replace "heavy" with another adjective. the comma warrants a stand-still in the flow; unless of course i'm not reading correctly.
light
on my feet
smooth little play on words here.
but heavy is my heart
on first read, i didn't think "heavy" did this line much justice; it's grown on me now. but i still think it's removal of the first time it was used would benefit the usage of it here.
one last dance
before we part

time for a smoke
but I don't have a
light
oh, iseewatudidthar.
here for a moment
before we take flight
cute, enjoyably accessible little piece. sorry it took me so long to get 'round to it.
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#11
I really liked the play on one word which both of the stanzas are constructed around, differently. It's very smart, very clever and it made this piece for me.

However, past that I thought the rhymes were corny and a not very needed gimmick, especially because the "light" wordplay was spectacular and sufficient to hold the piece together. The first stanza got a bit clumsy, especially in the latter part.

I feel like you've sat in front of this piece feeling like there was something not quite complete and when you couldn't figure what it was, you just posted it. But then again, without critique you may never would have known what it is. Of course, this is just my point of view.

It was very refreshing to read something like this from you though.
This is not a pipe