#1
Unraveled

Stained thumb slipping
On a worn and rusted wheel
longing for an ember
and sharp gray clouds to feel

A hint of blue past tongue unheeded
no solace from what lies unburnt
grasping, fumbling for the spark that is needed

trying fitfully to pierce reality's brutal weave

but there's no bright star this night,
speaking volumes through the crystal flakes
only harsh clicks and curses marring cold serenity
hands falter here, but mind is wide awake

searing thoughts black, ichor pulses now,
riding fast wings through veins constricted
fury built and bottled, ill expressed with a mere frown

The wind whispers that it can be unraveled

She sits where it's warm and calm
no claws needling her stable mind
he stands in awareness, chilled
gazing upon knotted untruth, yearning to unwind

Threads fall away now-what is real slips through

The truth is beautiful

and terrible


I think this ended up being more of a poem than a song, but I think it could still be done musically. I'm afraid I may have overdone the language a bit. Tell me what you think. C4C.

My other one:
Lie Awake in Fear
#2
Quote by Firebrand
Unraveled

Stained thumb slipping
On a worn and rusted wheel
longing for an ember
and sharp grey clouds to feel
I really like this opening. It is quite poemy, but it works. Fourth line's rhyme is a bit weak thoug.

A hint of blue past tongue unheeded
no solace from what lies unburnt
grasping, fumbling for the spark that is needed
First and third lines are excellent. Second doesn't really make sense and I would lose it

trying fitfully to pierce reality's brutal weave
'Fitfully' is a bit of a mouthful word here, breaks up the flow of the line a bit

but there's no bright star this night,
speaking volumes through the crystal flakes
only harsh clicks and curses marring cold serenity
hands falter here, but mind is wide awake
Second part of the last line needs a tweak. 'But' could be taken from the first.

searing thoughts black, ichor pulses now,
riding fast wings through veins constricted
fury built and bottled, ill expressed with a mere frown
Don't really like the first line, doesn't flow. The second is really good, maybe flip it to 'constricted veins'?

The wind whispers that it can be unravelled
Lovely

She sits where it's warm and calm
no claws needling her stable mind
he stands in awareness, chilled
gazing upon knotted untruth, yearning to unwind
Needling isn't the best word, doesn't really fit that. And untruth could be replaced with just truth, I think, given the context. 'in awareness' isn't too good. I love the last line

Threads fall away now-what is real slips through

The truth is beautiful

and terrible

Brilliant ending! I really like these lines. Well done


Needs a lot of work if it's a poem. But this is a good start. If a song, some structure and flow is gonna have to change. I guess it depends on how you mean it to be said