#1
It must be a pretty bad day when all I wanna say is gonna come out all cliché.
I mean, it’s all been said before, I have nothing original in store, and I’m just a bore.
There’s hope I can do what you want, I can only try not to be a cunt.
When all I can think about is you, there’s not much one kid can really do.

Come to think about it, I don’t think I can even sit; I need to write a little bit.
Let’s look into ourselves, we could write a series of books for these bookshelves.
Find this love we keep talking about, but I swear, I don’t want you to pout.
Damn, you’re all I ever think about, I can’t even blink without seeing you wink.

Let’s move on with the cliché, we know that’s all I’m able to say.
I’d do anything for you, I’d be down and blue if I didn’t know you.
Let’s count all the hours I’ve been waiting here for you dear.
There’s no reason for me to fret, I’ve got everything I need, and I’m all set.

It’s just me and this guitar, let’s hope I get far, but not without you.
Come drift away with me, I can’t just let this love be, I need you to see it with me.
You’re all I wanted, I’ve given all I can give, let’s hope it’s enough for us to live.
Given the chance, I’d spend my life with you, take you on a special one-on-one dance.

One last kiss, just one last kiss to make this last, I don’t want to leave you in the past.
I swear if we have to leave, I’ll do nothing but bleed…


I actually wrote this for my girlfriend.
c4c.
You're not brutal.


(click the smiley!)

#2
Totally thought this would be an angry rant from a n00b.

Quote by xFeatherx
It must be a pretty bad day when all I wanna say is gonna come out all cliché.
I mean, it’s all been said before, I have nothing original in store, and I’m just a bore.
Drop the "I'm just a bore." It overuses the internal rhyme scheme, imo.
There’s hope I can do what you want, I can only try not to be a cunt.
Saying "c_nt" isn't exactly tasteful, but go for it! :P
When all I can think about is you, there’s not much one kid can really do.

Come to think about it, I don’t think I can even sit; I need to write a little bit.
Let’s look into ourselves, we could write a series of books for these bookshelves.
Find this love we keep talking about, but I swear, I don’t want you to pout.
I don't like the "pout" thing. It seems so forced to me.
Damn, you’re all I ever think about, I can’t even blink without seeing you wink.
Again, last word seems like a forced rhyme to me..

Let’s move on with the cliché, we know that’s all I’m able to say.
I’d do anything for you, I’d be down and blue if I didn’t know you.
Forced rhyme again..
Let’s count all the hours I’ve been waiting here for you dear.
I would make it "my dear". Flows better in my head.
There’s no reason for me to fret, I’ve got everything I need, and I’m all set.

It’s just me and this guitar, let’s hope I get far, but not without you.
The flow here seems a bit choppy to me. Perhaps "myself far"?
Come drift away with me, I can’t just let this love be, I need you to see it with me.
You’re all I wanted, I’ve given all I can give, let’s hope it’s enough for us to live.
Given the chance, I’d spend my life with you, take you on a special one-on-one dance.

One last kiss, just one last kiss to make this last, I don’t want to leave you in the past.
I swear if we have to leave, I’ll do nothing but bleed…
"Bleed" is a very dark word for a piece like this, and something tells me your girlfriend might find it a bit grotesque, haha.


I actually wrote this for my girlfriend.
c4c.


Pretty good piece. There were a couple rhyming issues, but besides that not bad at all.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#3
Thanks.
A lot of the rhymes were forced, tbh.
xD
I'll post an edited version in a few!
You're not brutal.


(click the smiley!)