#1
Somewhere out there...i know your there.
huddled closely, sweetly, to your pillow.
and i know that in your dreams,
i'm not there.

The irony of the situation is that i'm here..
cold, bitter, and alone.
pillows of stone, and a weight on my heart.
and in my dreams, i'm haunted by what could have been.

i don't wanna think of you
but i'm reminded of you everyday
it's hard to forget
when your buried in my bankyard garden

Your voice still resounds in my ears.
carressing and killing at the same time.
your smiles cut deep,
and your words wound.
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not in any particular order, just some quick writing... i know it's probably bad...but whatever...crit for crit i guess

edit: yeah, sorry 'bout the title...i made this thread, then read rules...
Member #14 of the "Claudio Sanchez is god" Club.

My Gear:
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Epiphone G-400
Fender Precision Bass
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Crate BX-15
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Last edited by bobby_splax at Jul 22, 2008,
#4
Quote by TollBoothWorker
How is that ironic? If she isn't dreaming of you, then you would most likely feel alone.


actually...to come to think of it...irony probably wasn't the word i was looking for...there's a word that i'm thinking of...might not exist. if i can't think of it, i might just delete the entire line.

i guess i was just thinking to show the extremes of tonight. not ironic more of a, "look how peaceful and nice that is...wait, wtf is going on over there..." kind of feeling. if there's a word like that. lemme know...lol
Member #14 of the "Claudio Sanchez is god" Club.

My Gear:
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Epiphone G-400
Fender Precision Bass
Ibanez Exotic Wood Acoustic
Crate BX-15
Crate Palomino V16
Proco Rat 2
Dunlop 353q Crybaby
#5
Quote by bobby_splax
Somewhere out there...i know your there.
'there' is a bit redundant, you use it twice for the same thing. you're not your
huddled closely, sweetly, to your pillow.
'sweetly' doesn't make a lot of sense
and i know that in your dreams,
i'm not there.
I like these lines

The irony of the situation is that i'm here..
cold, bitter, and alone.
pillows of stone, and a weight on my heart.
and in my dreams, i'm haunted by what could have been.
Emphasis on MY in 'my dreams' would complement the previous paragraphs dream lines well. You've already been told that 'irony' doesn't really work. Pillows of stone are good, how about "Pillows of stone, resting on my heart"? That takes care of the weight and adds another dimension because while what could have been is a nice thought, it still 'haunts' you like you said so the pillow thing works both ways

i don't wanna think of you
but i'm reminded of you everyday
it's hard to forget
when your buried in my bankyard garden
'of you' is redundant (used twice again, I'd remove the second occurance). you're instead of your again. backyard, not bankyard, and garden is a bit redundant if you use yard as well. Sorry for being a bit of a grammar nazi!

Your voice still resounds in my ears.
carressing and killing at the same time.
your smiles cut deep,
and your words wound.
echos might be better than resounds, but is a bit more cliche.. hmm. killing is a bit harsh and out of place, I'm sure you can find a better verb to balance caressing (not carressing). Smiles cutting deep is good, maybe add in an adjective for the smiles?

not bad, but could definitely use a lot of work