#1
Through squalid looking glass we meet
the leaders of the world:
The wealthy, the powerful.

God's chosen.

But money doesn't grow on trees,
not even for them.
They hold their pleasantries in greedy eyes
where diamonds dance.
It's a superficial vault,
and one man is now bankrupt.

Perhaps we've already met the victim though,
already read his books filled with high words
and low thoughts.

Let's look again through cleaner lens
and meet our protagonist.



Muddy streets betray his display of intentions,
but downcast eyes hide him from their attentions.
Just another filthy rag,
empowered through life and loss.
They trample past his dirty past
until the last is gone.
Free.
But what's this?
The end man took a closer look,
and through refracted sight pieced together
a criminal picture.


The noose runs tight.
Through rich or poor ear
all can hear the cries of loved ones.
Fair is fair.

This time though,
the tears are real.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 23, 2008,
#2
i have to say; this is the one i like most from you, Jake.
now, in the division of the italicized intro and the introspection of the "protagonist," i much more preferred the latter; which saves itself in the end, because it's made quite apparent that the viewer's perspective was intended to sway in its direction. i don't think alot of the "introduction" to our character is completely neccessary... however some of the lines really stuck out:
- God's chosen
- where diamonds dance

i liked the play on words in the first line of the last italicized couplet with "again....lens."
moving on to the second section, i DO NOT like the way you halted the flow with "Free." i don't think the question that followed it did the stanza much justice either.
i was trying to think of some way you could combine the last two sections for better readability, but i really think you pulled it off quite nicely buddy.
good job.

don't worry about getting back to me or anything, cause i know i owe you bunches.
-Kent
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
Many people **** up writing political things.
You didn't.
I agree pretty much entirely with ottoavist. Not sure I was too fond of the change from italics to normal, maybe a font change would suit it better, to a 'clearer' font rather than a straighter text.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
- "It's a superficial vault,
and one man is now bankrupt."


Superb.

- "Perhaps we've already met the victim though,"

Maybe you could ditch the "though" at the end?

- "but downcast eyes hide him from their attentions.
Just another filthy rag,"


This stuck out to me as well.

I enjoyed the way you repeated "past" later on in the song.

This was a fantastic piece overall, you seem to churn out a never ending supply of differing topics that each compliment your writing style. I don't believe you have a 'safe zone', and if you do, it certainly has an easy life.
The line breaks were of particular interest to me and the way it was all laid out.
I have nothing against political ramblings, as long as you actually know what you are talking about and have something new to add - mainly a different opinion - and this doesn't let down in that regard either.
I'm not going to pick fault, sorry.

Digitally Clean
#5
Quote by Billyjson
Through squalid looking glass we meet
the leaders of the world:
The wealthy,
the powerful.

God's chosen.
make this last line mean something by lengthing the two lines before it. make the impact by contrast to the preceding stanza. The first line does a good job of illustrating "things are not what they appear". I would shift the first line syntax around and place the "we meet" before the rest but that's up to you. Actually, just delete the last two lines of the first stanza, they are implied. Either way make "God's chosen" stand out. it is a hell of a line and I don't want it lost.

But money doesn't grow on trees,
not even for them.
They hold their pleasantries in greedy eyes
where diamonds dance.
It's a superficial vault,
and one man is now bankrupt.
So uh, why is it in third person when it was in first person a second ago? I'm confused. why don't you use "we" here? first two lines are extraeneous and silly. just start with the third line and you will have a strong political stanza. the last line I think is poorly set up and executed though, there's no flow and an excess of syllables. just keep it in the first person, not the third, it will keep the audience more engaged.


Perhaps we've already met the victim though,
already read his books filled with high words
and low thoughts.
I don't understand who the narrator is and that detracts greatly from the piece. it seems like the narrator has changed voices here. interesting ideas, terribly confusing execution. Also, too many ideas for me to keep clear. the piece is too big for itself. There is no way you can hit on this many ideas in one small piece of poetry like this, break it up into ideas and then make individual pieces surrounding those, it will help with the confusion. Make your narrator clear, who you're talking about clear, and what you're talking about clear and then revise.

Let's look again through cleaner lens
and meet our protagonist.
what? how is the lens cleaner? why was the lens dirty? whose lens is it?




Muddy streets betray his display of intentions,
but downcast eyes hide him from their attentions.
a lot of words for a simple idea. condense, make every word matter. the rhyme was a little forced here too.
Just another filthy rag,
empowered through matters of life and loss.
why matters of? why cant you just delete that and make the idea simple as oppose to compounded and complex?
They trample past his dirty past
until the last is gone.
last what? you're really losing me here. I'm honestly confuddled about what you're actually talking about now.
Free.
But what's this?
The end man took a closer look,
and through refracted sight pieced together
a criminal picture.
wha? how? no comprendo. who are these people and why do I care about them? do they represent something that I am apparently deeply missing?


The noose runs tight.
Through rich or poor ear
all can hear the cries of loved ones.
Fair is fair.
okay... I have no idea what I was supposed to take from this. and I hate the noose image. I wish you would use guns or a needle. nooses are old school and not practiced no more.

This time though,
the tears are real.
when werent they? there is no "before" to this "after"


it wasnt poorly written at all, I just really couldnt follow what was happening or who you wanted me to focus on. this confusion was supplemented by your lengthy and wordy syntax. some great ideas but the execution was eh...

if you would: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=914497

#6
I'm very thankful for all your crits and comments.

Kent - Really glad you liked it. I agree with Free, something will be changed about that. And sorry but you're getting a crit whether you like it or not, I was planning on getting to it soon.

Dig - Interesting idea, I'll try that out. I'm bummed the SYK/Dig tradition didn't live through this one

Goldfish - Thanks man, you always make my head grow a little too big

Dylan - I think we're on very different pages as writers. I tend to be more literal and you're typically more figurative (an ability which I greatly admire). Despite this you have a lot of good suggestions which I will take into consideration - I'm certainly going to modify the first stanza, to name one right off the bat. The perspective is "we" as in my audience (which is comprised mainly of the working class) and I. This may have been confusing because there was no easy place to include a "we".

As for the rest: "lens" I was alluding back to the first line. I agree with "matters of", will remove. The people are the other aristocrats. It's a noose because this is set in older times, as you said. I agree with the "before" part, I'm still working on a way to make that more clear.

Hopefully that explains my intentions a bit better. I'll thorough yours with all due haste.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#7
Quote by Billyjson
Through squalid looking glass we meet
the leaders of the world:
The wealthy, the powerful.
"Squalid" ties this together, and makes the last line feel more at home.

God's chosen.

But money doesn't grow on trees,
not even for them.
They hold their pleasantries in greedy eyes
where diamonds dance.
It's a superficial vault,
and one man is now bankrupt.
I really wanted to like this one, but there's something about it that I didn't like. Probably the last two lines. Other than that, it was okay. "Pleasantries" helped your structure.

Perhaps we've already met the victim though,
already read his books filled with high words
and low thoughts.
Didn't like this. It had an odd flow, and the word selection in the first lines second half was just awkward.

Let's look again through cleaner lens
and meet our protagonist.

"Protagonist" was a little too much as far as length and naturality. Great first line though, with the internal rhyme.


Muddy streets betray his display of intentions,
but downcast eyes hide him from their attentions.
Just another filthy rag,
empowered through matters of life and loss.
They trample past his dirty past
until the last is gone.
Free.
But what's this?
The end man took a closer look,
and through refracted sight pieced together
a criminal picture.
Great image of the hero, and a great lead into the next stanza.


The noose runs tight.
Through rich or poor ear
all can hear the cries of loved ones.
Fair is fair.

This time though,
the tears are real.
Honestly, this felt weak. It didn't say much. Simplicity is nice and all, but I was hooked on the previous stanza, and now I'm thinking "what the hell? That was quick."


Good stuff, though there are some things that irk me. Crit mine in my sig if you want.
#8
Through squalid looking glass we meet
squalid looking? ew, no.
the leaders of the world:
The wealthy, the powerful.

God's chosen.

But money doesn't grow on trees,
not even for them.
They hold their pleasantries in greedy eyes
not sure pleasantries is the best thing
to hold in those greedy eyes.
the later bankruptcy could be
of something more substantial.

where diamonds dance.
It's a superficial vault,
and one man is now bankrupt.

Perhaps we've already met the victim though,
already read his books filled with high words
and low thoughts.

Let's look again through cleaner lens
and meet our protagonist.



Muddy streets betray his display of intentions,
but downcast eyes hide him from their attentions.
Just another filthy rag,
empowered through life and loss.
They trample past his dirty past
until the last is gone.
Free.
But what's this?
The end man took a closer look,
and through refracted sight pieced together
a criminal picture.


The noose runs tight.
this was far too brief and to the point.
if you keep it this way,
still add another line relating to the noose
before moving on to the ears.

Through rich or poor ear
all can hear the cries of loved ones.
Fair is fair.

This time though,
the tears are real.

i didn't identify with this as strongly as i have with some others of yours.
still a good un, though. interesting sonics peppered throughout.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.