#1
hello, havent been on here in a while but i used to post poetry/lyrics occasionally. im trying to write some music again so heres a set of lyrics ive been messing around with. its kind of a folk-punk song, if that helps (anyone know jeffrey lewis?) thanks for any help and crit for crit.


air supply demand
is getting higher everday,
crushed the kids down into cubes
to buy myself some space
to wait around in bored as hell
complaining bout the view.
nations are dissolving
and theres nothing good to do.

think ill stick around a while
and find out how this ends,
watch the other characters
fade into black and then
ill crawl out to the sidewalk
and complain about the cold.
planets are eroding
while my clothes are getting old.

and in a little while now
ill look for something else
instead of trying to justify
this system to myself
and waiting around here bored as hell
complaining bout the scene.
nations are dissovling
and ive got no place to be.
Last edited by sjada at Jul 22, 2008,
#4
I liked how the words themselves fitted in
and also how the point of view zooms in and out of the character and its environment
as well as having the same theme thorughout

I think they'res nothing wrong with this and piece would translate great into a song
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#5
thaks guys.
if anyone else had anything more in depth to say i think itd be helpful. i no theres not that much too it in the first place but id like some input anyways.
#6
Quote by sjada

air supply demand
Bad way to start off. This felt like a disjointed sentence.
is getting higher everday,
crushed the kids down into cubes
to buy myself some space
HA! Excellent couplet.
to wait around in bored as hell
complaining bout the view.
nations are dissolving
and theres nothing good to do.
The third line hurt the flow, but the overall meaning was decent.

think ill stick around a while
and find out how this ends,
watch the other characters
fade into black and then
ill crawl out to the sidewalk
and complain about the cold.
planets are eroding
while my clothes are getting old.
Decent. The last couplet was good, but the theme is running dry now.

and in a little while now
Didn't flow. "Now" was unneccessary.
ill look for something else
instead of trying to justify
this system to myself
Decent.
and waiting around here bored as hell
complaining bout the scene.
nations are dissovling
and ive got no place to be.
Not particularly fond of the repeated outro theme. I'd cut back once on it.


Decent stuff, but the language felt somewhat dry. It didn't really paint a whole picture for me.

Crit mine in my sig if you have time
#7
^thanks
i dont think im gonna change anytihng as far as the flow goes because its already to music and it fits very well with that. some of the words in there might be partly left out or slurred together depending on how its sung, if that makes any sense (like the "and" in the first line of the third verse). thanks for that tho.
any other suggestions/opinions here?
#9
If it's already to music and works, then so it goes

I adored the imagery and flow in the first section. Felt like a so I should take it's place before the crushed. Wouldn't weaken the flow and would add clarity, although it's obvious, it feels weird.
But yeah, I really enjoyed the first part, felt like an original take on boredom as part of it was very well done. I don't think the rest of this was quite as strong.

The and then in the second verse/stanza felt weak.
As did the clothes line.
These lines
this system to myself
and waiting around here bored as hell

broke the flow.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
Quote by sjada
hello, havent been on here in a while but i used to post poetry/lyrics occasionally. im trying to write some music again so heres a set of lyrics ive been messing around with. its kind of a folk-punk song, if that helps (anyone know jeffrey lewis?) thanks for any help and crit for crit.


air supply demand
is getting higher everday,
Not feeling these two lines...
crushed the kids down into cubes
to buy myself some space
...But these two make up for it. Great
to wait around in bored as hell
complaining bout the view.
nations are dissolving
and theres nothing good to do.
I like it

think ill stick around a while
and find out how this ends,
watch the other characters
fade into black and then
ill crawl out to the sidewalk
and complain about the cold.
Like how this whole thought flows through this
planets are eroding
while my clothes are getting old.
Weak ending I think. Something other than 'my clothes' may fit better

and in a little while now
ill look for something else
instead of trying to justify
this system to myself
and waiting around here bored as hell
complaining bout the scene.
nations are dissovling
and ive got no place to be.
Ehh...


It's pretty good. I think the stanzas get worse as you go further into it, but it's not bad.
Mind taking a look at either of mine?