#1
I'm not a huge fan of this one, but I think it has some decent meaning here, so why not. I'd like to improve it, so please leave me something. Again, c4c, remind me if I forget.

The Lawyer

Verse 1:
It’s ‘93, and he’s throwing his graduation cap to the air,
with an overflowing head and a pocketful of morals to share.
The years would wear on all his boyish ideals, until he feels
like the world’s no good, and it’s just so damn hard for him to deal.

Chorus:
Every morning he wakes up and he knows,
the price he paid, his integrity sold.
Every night he lies in his bed,
as the past day's lies scream in his head.
and he wonders if he’ll ever feel like the good guy again.

Verse 2:
It’s Friday night, and he’s out to dinner with his conscience, once again.
Sometimes it feels like the coffee in the morning is his only friend.
He lives his life following the same old trends, he just pretends,
that he’s not off to work to defend the works of evil men.

Repeat Chorus
Solo

Bridge:
He’s sitting in his lounge chair
on the lawn right by the Porsche.
He’s more than ready to stop it all,
all the lying, the cheating,
the feelings of guilt.
In a moment of clarity he picks up his phone,
ready to make that call
but he shakes his head
Closes the cell,
and orders a
glass of sherry.

Thats all, folks.
Last edited by Skaliveson at Aug 1, 2008,
#3
chorus has an obvious hook you haven't exploited.

Every night he lies in his bed,
so why not follow that up by having the day's lies echo in his head or something?
Meadows
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#5
Quote by Skaliveson

The Lawyer

Verse 1:
It’s Friday night, and he’s out to dinner with his conscience, once again.
Sometimes it feels like the coffee in the morning is his only friend.
He lives his life following the same old trends, he just pretends,
that he’s not off to work to defend the works of evil men.
This first stanza almost sunds like a child talking abouut the man. Don't know if that's what you wanted, I personally don't like it. L2 doesn't flow well in my head, but you know I'm not the guy to talk about flows riight ?

Chorus:
Every morning he wakes up and he knows,
the price he paid, his integrity sold.
Every night he lies in his bed,
as the past day's lies scream in his head.
I like SYK's idea ^^
and he wonders if he’ll ever feel like the good guy again.
Don't know if your nickname has any influence in this, but this really sounds like a catchy ska song.

Verse 2:
It’s ‘93, and he’s throwing his graduation cap to the air,
with an overflowing head and a pocketful of morals to share.
The years would wear on all his boyish ideals, until he feels
This is what I expected from you; this lines are amazing
like the world’s no good, and it’s just so damn hard for him to deal.
Here's the thing I'm not liking on this piece; your adjectives are quite weak, but I don't know if you wanted this one to keep it simple. I really don't like "The world's no good"

Repeat Chorus
Solo

Bridge:
He’s sitting in his lounge chair
on the lawn right by the Porsche.
He’s more than ready to stop it all,
all the lying, the cheating,
the feelings of guilt.
Once again, nice lines.
In a moment of clarity he picks up his phone,
ready to make that call
but he shakes his head
Closes the cell,
and orders a
glass of sherry.
Exquisite, but really good ending

Thats all, folks.


There were parts I really liked, like the bridge and the first three lines of the second verse, but then the rest seemed really weak coming from you... This needs some work, and I am a defender that all work comes from ourselves, and suggestions just sound like someone else's ideas, and never sound like us. I'm not the type of guy to alter my pieces (I really don't have the patience to), but if you are, with time, this may come up an amazing song. Take care !
#6
never heard this song before...is it on youtube???
Music...Enough said.



Merci

Such is life.....
#7
I really like the song. How it shows that even if your rich, your not always happy with what your doing for a living. IMO it shows that do what you love and you wont have guilt even if you don't make bank like something else. The only thing I would try to fix is find less common adjectives in some spots, but its good.

C4C?
mines in my siggy
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How can he sue you for stealing your song? I think he's professionally gay.
#9
Well, here's what I think. First off, this does not have the zing to it that I've seen you have before. It just felt kinda depressing. And the language, the word choice, was overall uninteresting and "move along"-ish. In fact, the line length made it feel more like prose than anything, at least the first part. I'd cut the lines in half, and be very agressive with what I keep. That way, the images come across, the unneccessary words are removed, and the flow/rhythm is strengthened.

PS, if you want to crit mine, it's in my sig.
#10
What I was going for here, (obviously didn't work) was for the word choice and phrasing to mirror the subject matter here. The lawyer feels like a waste, basically, his life is going nowhere, and the word choice was intended to follow that. Oh well, this is one I am interested in editing quite a bit, so hopefully I will get around to it soon.

I just worked for 14 hours straight today, so I won't get around to crits today, most likely. Let me know with a PM or something if I owe you a crit.
#12
That was really good lyrics
Really shows that this persons life was a waste and A feeling of too late
Kind of A "jump in and hope for the best" moment
Great job
C4C
#13

Verse 1:
It’s Friday night, and he’s out to dinner with his conscience, once again.
Sometimes it feels like the coffee in the morning is his only friend.
He lives his life following the same old trends, he just pretends,
that he’s not off to work to defend the works of evil men.
Heavy stuff, really hits home.

Chorus:
Every morning he wakes up and he knows,
the price he paid, his integrity sold.
Every night he lies in his bed,
as the past day's lies scream in his head.
and he wonders if he’ll ever feel like the good guy again.
Again, a lot of weight behind it, really puts you in his shoes- the feel of the piece conveys how the lawyer feels.

Verse 2:
It’s ‘93, and he’s throwing his graduation cap to the air,
with an overflowing head and a pocketful of morals to share.
The years would wear on all his boyish ideals, until he feels
like the world’s no good, and it’s just so damn hard for him to deal.
This's probably the weakpoint of the piece, maybe shift this to the start and liven it up then begin to throw the piece into the verses about injustice?

Repeat Chorus
Solo

Bridge:
He’s sitting in his lounge chair
on the lawn right by the Porsche.
He’s more than ready to stop it all,
all the lying, the cheating,
the feelings of guilt.
In a moment of clarity he picks up his phone,
ready to make that call
but he shakes his head
Closes the cell,
and orders a
glass of sherry.Excellent ending.


Overall incredible, however I'd personally keep it in chronological order. Start with graduation, all the idealistic stuff, then slowly drag it down into injustice.

C4C
#14
Quote by Skaliveson
I'm not a huge fan of this one, but I think it has some decent meaning here, so why not. I'd like to improve it, so please leave me something. Again, c4c, remind me if I forget.

The Lawyer

Verse 1:
It’s Friday night, and he’s out to dinner with his conscience, once again.
Sometimes it feels like the coffee in the morning is his only friend.
He lives his life following the same old trends, he just pretends,
that he’s not off to work to defend the works of evil men.
First off, too many "hims" "he's'" and "his'".
"Once again didn't seem all that effective. The rhyming is worth keeping and tweaking. "Works of evil men" doesn't compliment this at all. It adds a childish note which is uncomofortable, and I know that fashionable, comfortable writing is your fortei, not this.

Chorus:
Every morning he wakes up and he knows,
the price he paid, his integrity sold.
Every night he lies in his bed,
as the past day's lies scream in his head.
and he wonders if he’ll ever feel like the good guy again.
There is nothing new or special in here. It feels like you could of either left it out or said something quite a bit more interesting. I don't like the rhyming here either.

Verse 2:
It’s ‘93, and he’s throwing his graduation cap to the air,
with an overflowing head and a pocketful of morals to share.
The years would wear on all his boyish ideals, until he feels
like the world’s no good, and it’s just so damn hard for him to deal.
Until the last line I didn't seen any reason to want to change this. You depicted an cliched idea in an original fashion.

Repeat Chorus
Solo

Bridge:
He’s sitting in his lounge chair
on the lawn right by the Porsche.
He’s more than ready to stop it all,
all the lying, the cheating,
the feelings of guilt.
In a moment of clarity he picks up his phone,
ready to make that call
Don't like this line. The tension here is effective though.

but he shakes his head
Closes the cell,
and orders a
glass of sherry.
Nice work here.

Thats all, folks.


There is never a lot of aid I can lend you and your writing, its always quite pristine, articulate and focused.
One thing I will mention about this though is the slightly boring chours, it could of been handled with a little more caress towards a hook and diffinitive idea to return to.
The tension in the ending is also something you could work with in the rest of the song. It comes out of nowhere and shocks you a little too bluntly. It wouldn't seem overly abrupt or out of place if the whole song was a giant tension process, trying to reach that notion of giving up when the time to change comes. The joys of the life you have becoming too much of an attraction. Try and focus on that theme, maybe.

Hope I helped.

If you wouldn't mind helping me out with either the most recent in my signature, or this one 1000 bananas

Digitally Clean