#1
there's something rotten in denmark here
no woman with such a sweet sounding name
could ever be such a thorn in my side
instead should be a slender silhouette
in the corner of my eye

best bitch of a bad bunch
was our backstory
i told my parents
her parents
their parents
she got her looks from
her grandma
those wrinkles told me more
than her hackneyed english ever could
even a touch of that
worn stubbly face
was a tale of woe in braille
her love handles fostered
a can of film for each year
each five years
ten years
of torture she'd had put upon
herself

just a face i'd see from afar
some nights
on some weeks
everytime the moon looked like
a discarded apple core
i'd see her
maybe in the thick cloud
of winter
in the wet slush we call snow
a slender patch of darkness
against the moonlit white
smoke rising from her lungs
and circling around her eyes
Jem Stone
what a sweet sounding name

what a thorn in my side

#2
Quote by Jammydude44
there's something rotten in denmark here
no woman with such a sweet sounding name
could ever be such a thorn in my side
instead should be a slender silhouette
in the corner of my eye

best bitch of a bad bunch
was our backstory
i told my parents <-
her parents <-
their parents <- I kind of don't understand the whole "parents" part
she got her looks from
her grandma
those wrinkles told me more
than her hackneyed english ever could
even a touch of that
worn stubbly face
was a tale of woe in braille
her love handles fostered
a can of film for each year
each five years
ten years
of torture she'd had put upon
herself

just a face i'd see from afar
some nights
on some weeks
everytime the moon looked like
a discarded apple core <- Genius!
i'd see her
maybe in the thick cloud
of winter
in the wet slush we call snow
a slender patch of darkness
against the moonlit white
smoke rising from her lungs
and circling around her eyes
Jem Stone <- I have something against these last three lines, they were kind of weak.
what a sweet sounding name

what a thorn in my side



I liked how it kept on getting deeper and deeper as the piece went on
I think you would benfit from punctuating it for clarity


Here's mine. If you ever get to it I'd really appreciate ithttps://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15388166#post15388166
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
there's something rotten in denmark here
no woman with such a sweet sounding name
could ever be such a thorn in my side
instead should be a slender silhouette
in the corner of my eye
Good language. The transistion from lines 3 to 4 felt somewhat strange, but nothing drastic.

best bitch of a bad bunch
I don't like the alliteration here.
was our backstory
i told my parents
her parents
their parents
she got her looks from
her grandma
This got pretty interesting here...
those wrinkles told me more
than her hackneyed english ever could
One of the best half rhymes I've seen.
even a touch of that
worn stubbly face
was a tale of woe in braille
The triplet scheme here didn't shine. You mind as well stay with the normal scheme.
her love handles fostered
a can of film for each year
"Love handles" was annoying, and took the focus off of what I thought this was about. "Can" felt like too hard of a word.
each five years
ten years
of torture she'd had put upon
herself
The second-last line felt odd, with all the short lines in there. I'm not a huge fan of breaks in the pattern like this, but that's just my opinion.

just a face i'd see from afar
some nights
on some weeks
everytime the moon looked like
a discarded apple core
i'd see her
maybe in the thick cloud
of winter
in the wet slush we call snow
a slender patch of darkness
against the moonlit white
smoke rising from her lungs
and circling around her eyes
Jem Stone
what a sweet sounding name
Good images. The applecore was my favorite.

what a thorn in my side
Nice outro...



Not bad.
#4
Jamie, the second stanza is the best thing i've read on this forum since....ever.
my opinion may not mean much,
but you deserve to know that.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#6
lovely, just friggin lovely.

i don't recall anyone ever comparing the moon to a discarded apple core.
it's bits like that that make you, you.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
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Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
there's something rotten in denmark here
no woman with such a sweet sounding name
This has a very odd wording and I'm not overly keen on the way you have laid it out. It distorts the feel too much.
could ever be such a thorn in my side
"ever" doesn't add anything at all here.
instead should be a slender silhouette
in the corner of my eye
Sweetly said.

best bitch of a bad bunch
was our backstory
Excellent two lines.
i told my parents
her parents
their parents
No punctuation doesn't compliment this section.
she got her looks from
her grandma
those wrinkles told me more
than her hackneyed english ever could
even a touch of that
worn stubbly face
This line and the preceding line are very good, it adds a great sense of humour.
was a tale of woe in braille
her love handles fostered
a can of film for each year
Great word play here I noticed.
each five years
ten years
The repition doesn't create any tension or anything new so its not necessarily important or engaging.
of torture she'd had put upon
herself

just a face i'd see from afar
some nights
on some weeks
everytime the moon looked like
a discarded apple core
Great simile.
i'd see her
maybe in the thick cloud
of winter
A bit cliched.
in the wet slush we call snow
Nice...
a slender patch of darkness
...although the repition of "slender" is poor. That whole sentence isn't doing anything for me.
against the moonlit white
Color - its good - but its cliched.
smoke rising from her lungs
and circling around her eyes
Jem Stone
what a sweet sounding name
Great stuff here, I love it.

what a thorn in my side



Good work, but I've read better from you.
#8
Sic, thanks.

Goldfish, none of it is punctuated. I know how to punctuate but have chosen not to.

Many thanks for your words.

Man i have a load to crit back.
#9
Ok, full critique coming now. This is going to be a long one.

there's something rotten in denmark here
no woman with such a sweet sounding name
could ever be such a thorn in my side
instead should be a slender silhouette
in the corner of my eye
I read the first line and thought "oh no", BUT by the time I finished reading this stanza it was probably the best I've seen from you in who knows how long. Wow. Loved it. Loved. It.

best bitch of a bad bunch
was our backstory
i told my parents
her parents
their parents
she got her looks from
her grandma
those wrinkles told me more
than her hackneyed english ever could
even a touch of that
worn stubbly face
was a tale of woe in braille
her love handles fostered
a can of film for each year
each five years
ten years
of torture she'd had put upon
herself
Urgh. The first stanza was writing perfection. And then this... It felt like resorting to structure plays, alliteration, and awkward wording to achieve I don't know what. The elegance from the previous stanza was lost and the only redeeming point was you alluding to the play on sight from the previous stanza by using Braille. However, I just felt like you should erase it all and rework from right after the first stanza.

just a face i'd see from afar
some nights
on some weeks
everytime the moon looked like
a discarded apple core
i'd see her
maybe in the thick cloud
of winter
in the wet slush we call snow
a slender patch of darkness
against the moonlit white
smoke rising from her lungs
and circling around her eyes
Jem Stone
what a sweet sounding name
This stanza felt like somewhere in between the first stanza's masterful execution and the second stanza's shoddy structure and wording. You had a good thing going here, but I wish you'd have kept the longer sentences and lingering meaning more than the tricks of writing.

what a thorn in my side
Surprisingly with just one last sentence you kind of redeemed this piece for me because it tied the meaning together rather than the writing itself. It was a real good ending.

I hope that you see the things I liked over the ones I didn't, because I would love, more than anything, to see you write like you did in the first stanza. It was gorgeous.
This is not a pipe
#10
I think Carmel really hit the nail from what I can see. The second stanza reminded me of the pieces from you where I thought you depended too much on structure instead of content. It wasn't like it had no content, it just felt like if it wasn't for the way it was set up, it could have been better. It could have been explored more if it wasn't for the short choppy lines. Could just be me. Like in the third stanza, there were some longer lines that really broke up that "cha cha cha linebreak cha cha cha linebreak" feel... and I think it just made it read better and really allowed it to breathe. The first stanza was golden though.

all in all, not a bad piece of work, my Egyptian friend. >_>