#1
Sort of a poem, actually. Haven't written anything in weeks, so I figured I'd toss this one in. Odd layout, but just bear with me. And don't be afraid to tell me it sucks, because I'm kind of expecting that at this point.

Deeper and deeper I go
your heart
holds like an anchor
Deeper and deeper I go
the reef
will wrap around me
Deeper and deeper I go
the sun
fades like the dim love
of those
who turned the blind eye
If someone will hold me
if someone swallows me
It'd be the deep end of you
Deeper and deeper I go

c4c if you leave a link.
#2
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Sort of a poem, actually. Haven't written anything in weeks, so I figured I'd toss this one in. Odd layout, but just bear with me. And don't be afraid to tell me it sucks, because I'm kind of expecting that at this point.

Deeper and deeper I go
your heart
holds like an anchor
Deeper and deeper I go
the reef
will wrap around me
Deeper and deeper I go
the sun
fades like the dim love
of those
who turned the blind eye
If someone will hold me
if someone swallows me
It'd be the deep end of you
Deeper and deeper I go

c4c if you leave a link.


It's an ok theme, if the deeper and deeper reoccurring part was something else I'd like it more. I don't like a lot of the adj they seem pretty ordinary. I like how you kept the sea theme. I like the layout, it has some potential, thanks for the crit.
#3
It's okay, the overall is a little bit weak, and if you change the reoccuring section to something else it might be more effective.

I liked this part:

The sun
Fades like the dim love
Of those
Who turned the blind eye

but the line before it shouldn't be Deeper and deeper I go.

Please crit Shadows, link in my sig.
#4
this didn't gel with the the first line being repeated.
i think if you shorten it by dropping I go,
then tweak the rest to match, it will work better.
Meadows
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#5
I like the image you created of going deeper in the sea
Liked the layout, especially how the italicized part builds up with each repitition and expands to a conclusion
I wish you could expand it more and include more details and scenes though
Hmmm...it's really kind of short for me to crit much, so yeah, hope this helps


p.s. thank you for the crit
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#6
Read like I was meeting the you that is wearing a ten-foot thick concrete raincoat.

There where some really, really nice ideas here (the two images at the start were terrific) but the execution just felt so dire and so, well, dull, that I failed to really succumb to any emotion you may have inked on this page.

Needs more of a firecracker about it, less generic poetry- Put more of you into it- Drop all the vowels for all I care, use hyphens instead of full stops- it needs more o2 to help it breathe-
#7
i agree with jammy. you could have taken this is a much more original direction and taken the reader somewhere interesting instead of just stating everythng the way you did. it seems like you used the repeatition of "deeper and deeper i go" as an excuse not to go into the situation any deeper in the poem itself. theres nothing necessarily wrong with this but it oculd be made much more interesting with the ideas you already have with a little effort.
#8
Quote by Jammydude44
Read like I was meeting the you that is wearing a ten-foot thick concrete raincoat.

There where some really, really nice ideas here (the two images at the start were terrific) but the execution just felt so dire and so, well, dull, that I failed to really succumb to any emotion you may have inked on this page.

Needs more of a firecracker about it, less generic poetry- Put more of you into it- Drop all the vowels for all I care, use hyphens instead of full stops- it needs more o2 to help it breathe-



All of that. This was just unoriginal. . But keep working, it's like a rough diamond, you have to polish it a lot, but you'll get there.
#10
The last repetition didn't feel right in conjunction with the line before.
The four lines of straight text felt strange, but fitted better on second read.

I will have to break it to you though.
I'm sorry; I think this is the worst thing I could possibly say:
it feels like it's from a GCSE poetry anthology.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by Ninjamonkey767

Deeper and deeper I go
Nice way to start things, I like the way this holds the thing together.
your heart
holds like an anchor
A bit cheesy and cliche'd, but it works.
Deeper and deeper I go
the reef
will wrap around me
Great lines, I can really link to them.
Deeper and deeper I go
the sun
fades like the dim love
of those
who turned the blind eye
Not as incredible as the previous set of lines, but still damn good. Captures the feeling of drowning well.
If someone will hold me
if someone swallows me
The 1st line is pretty atrocious on it's own, but the 2nd one repents for it. Great use of antonyms(I think they're antonyms... correct me if not).
It'd be the deep end of you
Deeper and deeper I goNear-perfect way to end it.


Overall view: Good, but not excellent. The ending was the strongest part for me.
#12
Quote by Ninjamonkey767
Sort of a poem, actually. Haven't written anything in weeks, so I figured I'd toss this one in. Odd layout, but just bear with me. And don't be afraid to tell me it sucks, because I'm kind of expecting that at this point.

Deeper and deeper I go
your heart
holds like an anchor
This was great. Usually I prefer metaphors to similes, but this was very well done
Deeper and deeper I go
the reef
will wrap around me
This section is a little blander, and I don't see where you are going with the repetition.
Deeper and deeper I go
the sun
fades like the dim love
of those
who turned the blind eye
This section is interesting, but I don't really get the line breaks. Does it have to do with the rhythm?
If someone will hold me
if someone swallows me
It'd be the deep end of you
Deeper and deeper I go
This part was really cool too. Probably the strongest part of your piece.

c4c if you leave a link.


Overall, I liked it a lot. Just didn't have a 'wow' factor, if you know what I mean.
#13
the sun
fades like the dim love
of those
who turned the blind eye
If someone will hold me
if someone swallows me
It'd be the deep end of you
Deeper and deeper I go


The start was... ok. but THAT bit. You saved it. Well done, it's a nice idea, I think that your flow was ruined by the italics at the start.

Apart from that, well done