#1
let naked children
fall and rise
on waves propelled
by summer tides
and parents holding
shaky cameras
order smiles
and get no answer,
let sand stuck under
tiny feet
be washed away
by water’s leap,
and sun cream
sifted
on the surface
crumble under
mothers’ bliss,
and teenage dreams
of drink and porn
encapsulated
on the platform,
forgotten when
bodies crash in
to the water’s
icy grin,
and not-so-teenage
boy’s first times
reaching depths
before they climb
the edges
of the plastic deck
to jump again
without a breath
and swim back to
his parent’s cheers
and tales of how
it took him years
but he damned his fears
and now he’s better
than his peers -
and the goth’s parents
sitting in shade
roll eyes
and let
the moments fade
and cream on the backs
of a million bodies
absorb the sunny
times like these –
let days be long
and nights be cold
as days like these
will help to mould
the prospects of
another year,
that would be paved
with stress
seem clear,
because French food
and good Czech beer
will lighten
any bad career.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Jul 24, 2008,
#2
That is amazing. Seriously, captures the essence of summer perfectly. Well done madam
The rhyme doesn't even seem forced
#3
i think you stretched this out too much, you could have said the same thing in a lot less time and in this case i tihnk a lot of the elaboration was unnecessary. halfway through it seemed like you stopped trying, it seemed to me like you were restating the same thing over and over and your rhyming in some spots sounded very forced (although i do agree that in others it was fairly natural sounding). i tihnk you could go somewhere with this if you wanted to cut it down a lot and really focus on each line instead of just skipping on to the next idea.
hope that helps. i actually didnt hate it.
if you could check mine out, id appreciate any advice or anything i can get
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=916151
thanks
#4
I'll get back to this. So far "sun creme" was bad on flow, but otherwise, the flow is excellent.

EDIT: Okay, my full crit. It was good and rhythmic, but there were parts where the lines were too short. They felt like they ruined the flow, and accomplished nothing but a rhyme. That's the only problem I see, and considering the average line length, it's not surprising.
Last edited by Ninjamonkey767 at Jul 23, 2008,
#5
yes the flow is excellent.
this is the most enjoyable piece i've read from you, because of the rythm and flow.
i really don't think anything else matters.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
i thought the title was a bit lengthy, but it mates well with the piece.
first look told me right off this should be broken into sections.
first look was wrong.
lots of rules were broken.
far to many ands.
it all works.

good un, Bones.

*pours the Pilsner*
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#8
your introduction turned me off from reading it honestly. seemed akin to something I would say before a piece in order to get people to read it and give me sympathy (easier crits or whatever). i've used the same strategy and it works and people do read it and people do crit it well. but if you say i shouldnt read it in the intro then, well, i won't.

however, if i did read it, i would have to say this would be the best piece you have posted here, and i would probably say congratulations
#9
This is a lesson I also learned from Dylan (And also Kent (ottoavist)). Lose the introduction to the piece. Let it speak on its own... let it rape my soul on its own. You don't need to introduce teh guest of honor at a party, everyone already knows who they are.

EDIT: This flows even better when I've been drinking. And on re-re-re-read, I'm starting to even dig the content a lot. This piece has a lot in it wifey.
#11
What a fecking response, eh? Cheers everyone. I'll lose the intro. I posted this up with a hangover and 4 hours recharge in me; at that time I wasn't too fond of it

Any changes anyone would make? Agrees with the lines being too short and particular spots where this really annoys you?

EDIT: SYK - Bugger Pilsner!
Staropramen, m'dear, Staropramen.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#12
Staropramen is indeed the way forward. I must say that I haven't read much from you since ages ago shortly after you joined, but I've just read your pieces in your sig and you've just amazed me. With all seriousness, you're one of my favourite writers on these forums (although I doubt anyone could surpass Will). I got about four or five lines through this and smiled it was so good. For the love of God, please keep writing.
#13
Quote by sjada
i think you stretched this out too much, you could have said the same thing in a lot less time


I see where this dudes coming from but the whole point of poetry is to find a topic and twist it into something haunting
which btw, you did.
the rhyming seems so natural, and the rhythm is beautiful. i'd call it a rap if that did any measurable amount of justice.
i love how all my childhood memories of beaches are brought back with the amount of imagery you've squeezed in here.
well done, im actually proud.
crit mine please?
even though this wasnt much crit...
oops.
I know you think that I'm someone you can trust.
But I'm scared i'll get scared and i swear i'll try to nail you back up.



Female SouperHero
#14
The flow is breathtaking and the rhyming was clever and it didn't sound any kind of forced. This is near-perfect so there's nothing else to say about this. the only advice I might give to you is to turn 2 lines into 1 just because it won't look no never-ending at a first look, like for example:

let naked children fall and rise
on waves propelled by summer tides

it's just minor and I had no problem about it. As I said, it's near perfect ! ^^
#15
- "the moments fade" - Does nothing for this enigmatic song.

I'm sorry thats all I don't like... oh and the stuttering feel - I've never been much of an advocate of constant, strong line breaks like this. But thats too much of a personal thing to take note of, it suits this piece well anyway.

One thing I will say... actually, no, screw it, awesome!

Digitally Clean
#16
This was excellent. It flowed wonderfully, the imagery was amazing. Really captures a great summer vibe to it.
and parents holding
shaky cameras
order smiles
and get no answer

That's my favorite section.

Would you mind checking out of my pieces in my sig?
#17
Thankyou, again.
Dæmönika... you've left me slightly stunned.
Angry_Goldfish: I personally quite like that line, sorry that it didn't get along with you.
I'll get back to crits at some point, might be slow due to sunburn from all this... sun!
I will have a play with the line breaks at some point, see if I can get a better structure from this as it's the thing that's been slipping up most people.

Just as a note, I find it very interesting how tastes differ on different forums. I posted this on one I go to every now and then and didn't get a single good response .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#18
Quote by DigUpHerBones
let naked children
fall and rise
on waves propelled
by summer tides
Nice start, they rhyming here's excellent... flows perfectly.
and parents holding
shaky cameras
order smiles
and get no answer,
The flow's still going, not much to say about this set of lines really...
let sand stuck under
tiny feet
be washed away
by water’s leap,
Again, it fits very well with the scene being portrayed. Flow's still going strong.
and sun cream
sifted
on the surface
crumble under
mothers’ bliss,
Lost the rhythm here, but the rhyming's pretty good.
and teenage dreams
of drink and porn
encapsulated
on the platform,
These lines feel a bit forced and pointless to me, and I don't drink or watch porn... don't want to either, never saw the point.
forgotten when
bodies crash in
to the water’s
icy grin,
Great rhyming again, the rhythm's back too.
and not-so-teenage
boy’s first times
reaching depths
Beginning to get bored here, I never was one for the beach life. However, from an analytical point of view it's genius.
before they climb
the edges
of the plastic deck
to jump again
without a breath
Again, feels pointless, but excellent construction.
and swim back to
his parent’s cheers
and tales of how
it took him years
Epic rhyme scheme, but still can't reconnect with it.
but he damned his fears
and now he’s better
than his peers -
Regained interest here, the rhythm/rhyme still strong of course.
and the goth’s parents
sitting in shade
roll eyes
and let
the moments fade
Lost interest again...
and cream on the backs
of a million bodies
absorb the sunny
times like these –
Interesting from here 'til the end, if a bit drawn out.
let days be long
and nights be cold
as days like these
will help to mould
the prospects of
another year,
that would be paved
with stress
seem clear,
because French food
and good Czech beer
will lighten
any bad career.
Great finish.

Overall, a good job but a bit long and wavering from the point for my likings.
#19
Quote by DigUpHerBones
Thankyou, again.
Dæmönika... you've left me slightly stunned.
Angry_Goldfish: I personally quite like that line, sorry that it didn't get along with you.
I'll get back to crits at some point, might be slow due to sunburn from all this... sun!
I will have a play with the line breaks at some point, see if I can get a better structure from this as it's the thing that's been slipping up most people.

Just as a note, I find it very interesting how tastes differ on different forums. I posted this on one I go to every now and then and didn't get a single good response .


Some people are just not on the same wavelength. If they aren't, it can totally detract them from enjoying the piece in a variety of different ways. If you look at this from the wrong point of view, it would be easy to dislike.
It could be just that maybe they were ignorant and pretentious, who knows?! Some people are just down right, overly picky, and everything has to be of a certain fashion and thats the only concern on their minds when writing. I'm not saying thats definitely true, its just a possibility, I'm not trying to be judgemental here.
#20
Oh aye, there are audiences for some pieces and audiences for others; what I found interesting was that it was so obvious forum to forum, and how certain styles develop in certain ways in certain places.

I tried this without the line breaks and hated it; it's staying as it is.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#21
I know I owe you much, so feel free to send other pieces my way.

In regards to this one, I think some of the guys here are influenced by the great flow you've managed to create and indeed you've used it wisely to the benefit of the piece.

I will use a disclaimer and say I have not followed your pieces recently and thus I am not comparing it to anything and can't say if it's up to/bellow par. I'm just going to look at this completely objectively.

And yes, the flow was great, the play on blunt/innocent was even superb, the structure was interesting (though not my favourite way to read, but it wasn't dull, that's for sure) and you've managed to create some stream of conciousness type of piece which is very appealing in terms of writing technique.

However, and it's a big however, I felt your content fell short. Though I did appreciate the structure, it was damaging to any attempt at highlighting important points within the piece, since punctuation and stanzas were not in place to aid in emphasising certain emotions, and I think in this case it was crucial. This piece was forgettable to the point I had to read it more than once to try and construct a meaning. Some may say it's a good thing, but - though I may retract this comment later - I don't feel like I'll remember it tomorrow. The fact you can write and write well, yes, I'll remember that; but I won't remember the reasons why I think you do.

I hope you understand that while I appreciate your skills I can't help feeling a bit disappointed by this specific piece.
This is not a pipe
#22
let naked children
fall and rise
on waves propelled
by summer tides
Nice easy-going rhyme to start,
you have my attention.

and parents holding
shaky cameras
order smiles
and get no answer,
Again.
let sand stuck under
tiny feet
Wasn't crazy about these two,
like there's more you could do.
tiny feet contradicts the image I held,
makes me think of babies.

be washed away
by water’s leap,
and sun cream
sifted
on the surface
crumble under
mothers’ bliss,
I get nothing out of this frankly,
after sun cream sifted I drifted off.

and teenage dreams
of drink and porn
encapsulated
on the platform,
forgotten when
bodies crash in
to the water’s
icy grin,
and not-so-teenage
boy’s first times *boys'
reaching depths
before they climb
the edges
of the plastic deck
to jump again
without a breath
and swim back to
his parent’s cheers
went from their to his
what the hell

and tales of how
it took him years
but he damned his fears
and now he’s better
than his peers -
peers is very very forced.
and the goth’s parents
sitting in shade
roll eyes
and let
Actions don't match up,
either make sitting sit
or add 'ing' to roll and let.

the moments fade
and cream on the backs
of a million bodies
absorb the sunny
times like these –
let days be long
and nights be cold
as days like these
will help to mould
the prospects of
another year,
that would be paved
with stress
seem clear,
because French food
and good Czech beer
will lighten
any bad career.



Started off great but began to lose purpose in my eyes after mother's bliss
, until the end was almost stale. The rhyme scheme was fun except when you went for three - just too forced. It seemed like you tried to replace clever content with clever wording in the end and it just didn't work for me. Not a bad read, not my favorite from you though.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#23
That whole content thing. Yeah. I slip up on that one a lot.

Sad, but true.


Thank you for your criticisms .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!