#1
This is my new one. Its meaning is really ambiguous, and that is justified along this piece. I won't say to read between the lines; but if you can, it helps. I hope you like this one! C4C (leave link)


Your arrival came as enlightenment on hiatus times.
Never to be woken up felt somewhat divine...

You know I sleep til late, but the jet lag must’ve worn you out;
you must’ve had your doubts if I was awake at eight A.M.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

It’s my choice to feel this way; I could have avoided it somehow,
but I’m forced to live by daylight, and at that time, I’m slow like an owl;
I lose all my agility (and believe me, I have plenty),
but you make everything motionless, with whatever you may got.

We’ve been taught all our lives that our thoughts must be abstract.
You know it’s on our chromosomes, we will never be exact.
We can carve it as a fact, and be proved wrong by sceptics,
but all our lives we had our tactics and tricks on our sleeves.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

That’s why we always raised our fists against what the majority believes.
It happened two hours ago, that’s why this flow is so fucked up,
and I have to sing real fast so that my tongue won’t twist itself.
Just another in a shelf, another to remain ambiguous,
but I know you’ll come and read and say, it’s no less than delicious.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

So you run
So you run
So you run
I can’t catch you
It’s still daylight
So you run…
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 26, 2008,
#2
I'm going to bed now, I'll come back to this. I really want to find out what its about, its looks a treat!
#3
Quote by seventh_angel
This is my new one. Its meaning is really ambiguous, and that is justified along this piece. I won't say to read between the lines; but if you can, it helps. I hope you like this one! C4C (leave link)


Your arrival came as enlightenment on hiatus times.
Never to be waken up felt somewhat divine...

You know I sleep til late, but the jet lag must’ve worn you out;
you must’ve had your doubts if I was awake at eight A.M.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

It’s my choice to feel this way; I could have avoided it somehow,
but I’m forced to live by daylight, and at that time, I’m slow like an owl;
I lose all my agility (and believe me, I have plenty),
but you make everything motionless, with whatever you may got.(have not got)

We’ve been taught all our lives that our thoughts must be abstract.
You know it’s on our chromosomes, we will never be exact.
We can carve it as a fact, and be proved wrong by sceptics,
but all our lives we had our tactics and tricks on our sleeves.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

That’s why we always raised our fists against what the majority believes.
It happened two hours ago, that’s why this flow is so fucked up,
and I have to sing real fast so that my tongue won’t twist itself.
Just another in a shelf, another to remain ambiguous,
but I know you’ll come and read and say, it’s no less than delicious.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...
(This whole part is beautiful, this piece would be lovely if it was just this)

So you run
So you run
So you run
I can’t catch you
It’s still daylight
So you run…


Song or poem? If song I think you could use the chorus as a poem and people would really appreciate it. Two pieces in one. I really enjoyed most of this. Am I suppose to guess a meaning?

C4C, any in my sig.
#4
I really like this. The rhyming sequence is odd, it changes quite a bit. The chorus is wonderful; the highlight of the piece to me. I also like the outro sorta thing (so you run).
Sorry for this brief critique, I have to go. If I have time tomorrow I'll get back to it.
C4C? either one in my sig. much obliged
#6
Quote by seventh_angel
This is my new one. Its meaning is really ambiguous, and that is justified along this piece. I won't say to read between the lines; but if you can, it helps. I hope you like this one! C4C (leave link)


Your arrival came as enlightenment on hiatus times.
A very cubersome opening line. It would of felt more at home later on in the song. A more apt introduction could of lent me a more propositional outlook to the entire piece.
Never to be waken up felt somewhat divine...
"Woken"
I love the "somewhat divine" bit.

You know I sleep til late, but the jet lag must’ve worn you out;
you must’ve had your doubts if I was awake at eight A.M.
You could of left out the repition of "must've"; its an ugly word anyway.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...
This is crackin' stuff, so much fun to read!

It’s my choice to feel this way; I could have avoided it somehow,
You could make this more conversational by re-arranging it; it would harp back to the slight indication of that similar style earlier on in the song.
but I’m forced to live by daylight, and at that time, I’m slow like an owl;
"I'm slow like an owl" - OW...i mean WOW.
I lose all my agility (and believe me, I have plenty),
This is that conversational manner I was referring to. Maybe you should forget what I said before then.
but you make everything motionless, with whatever you may got.
The last word makes no sense.

We’ve been taught all our lives that our thoughts must be abstract.
You know it’s on our chromosomes, we will never be exact.
That word, "chromosomes"... its... weird. I think the addition of "s" on the end of it- its necessary of course in this case - creates an uneasy feeling when reading this line. Great rhyme.
We can carve it as a fact, and be proved wrong by sceptics,
but all our lives we had our tactics and tricks on our sleeves.
Not bad, not bad, not bad at all!

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

That’s why we always raised our fists against what the majority believes.
It happened two hours ago, that’s why this flow is so fucked up,
Cool. You do this kind of thing often, its really nifty.
and I have to sing real fast so that my tongue won’t twist itself.
Just another in a shelf, another to remain ambiguous,
but I know you’ll come and read and say, it’s no less than delicious.
This is a stand-out section.

You know how I do;
I’m nocturnal by nature
like owls and mice.
I’m pumped up all through the night,
so at dawn,
by the daylight,
it’s when I take my retreat,
but it’s still hard to fall asleep,
knowing you are running loose...

So you run
So you run
So you run
I can’t catch you
It’s still daylight
So you run…


Right, so theres another meaning to it... I will return (once again ) to re-read it without all my comments hindering it, and I'll see if I can spot the 'alternative' meaning.
Very slick work mate!

Digitally Clean
#7
Thank you. The use as that line as the opening one means that it was all I had in my mind at that time. The repetition of "must've" is due to flow issues; not my kind of "mistake" but this time it was necessary. "got" can make no sense, I already said I'm not english (I'm portuguese), so some "expressions" or ways to say something might be different, for now I want it to keep it that way.

Thank you again AngryGoldfish; your comments always lead me to make a deep analysis of my pieces.