#1
This is one of my more rushed songs I think, it def needs some tweaks... Or maybe it's just me. Anyways, believe it or not, I wrote this in under 30 minutes.... So here it is:


Hunted By The Demons

Verse 1
Running now as fast as you can
Through the darkening woods
See above you the haunting Dusk

Nowhere To Run
Nowhere To hide

They are running after you
With mad red eyes
Evil creatures, parts of you

Nowhere To Run
Nowhere To hide

Could’ve ran away from trouble
Could’ve been more wise
But you chose a life you can’t handle

Now you will die
Run for your life

Bridge 1
Feel them getting closer now
Feel the grip on your shoulder
Spine shaking, freezing cold
As all hope for escape is gone

Chorus
Tearing your flesh apart
From which the demon feeds
All that is left of you
Is just the echoed screams

Verse 2

Pulling you from the hair
Grip as tight as hell
They are taking you somewhere

Worse than the hell
And the despair

Dragging you deep in the forest
Where the torture awaits
Under the earth, in hell’s caves

All hope is gone
Nothing to hold (onto….)

Feel the world around you darken
Feel the cold demise
Suffering awaits and grins

They won’t accept
Your sad remorse

Bridge 2
Torturing and agony
Nowhere left to hide
You shouldn’t have sinned in life
Now you will pay with all your pain
#3
Quote by ingames
This is one of my more rushed songs I think, it def needs some tweaks... Or maybe it's just me. Anyways, believe it or not, I wrote this in under 30 minutes.... So here it is:


Hunted By The Demons

Verse 1
Running now as fast as you can
Through the darkening woods
See above you the haunting Dusk

Nice words, decent flow...it feels like it could use a rhyme...

Nowhere To Run
Nowhere To hide

IMO, this seems to be a cliche

They are running after you
With mad red eyes
Evil creatures, parts of you

Nice imagery, don't like the rhyming you with you

Nowhere To Run
Nowhere To hide

as said above

Could’ve ran away from trouble
Could’ve been more wise
But you chose a life you can’t handle

this verse is great

Now you will die
Run for your life

this is better than your other two lined cliches

Bridge 1
Feel them getting closer now
Feel the grip on your shoulder
Spine shaking, freezing cold
As all hope for escape is gone

I feel that you can do without the 'now' in the first line, other than that it's good

Chorus
Tearing your flesh apart
From which the demon feeds
All that is left of you
Is just the echoed screams

Not a bad chorus, it felt average

Verse 2

Pulling you from the hair
Grip as tight as hell
They are taking you somewhere

nice imagery, good flow

Worse than the hell
And the despair

I can't quite comment this part

Dragging you deep in the forest
Where the torture awaits
Under the earth, in hell’s caves

Nice imagery again, and flow

All hope is gone
Nothing to hold (onto….)

can't quite comment on this either

Feel the world around you darken
Feel the cold demise
Suffering awaits and grins

Again nice imagery, and flow and personification to Suffering

They won’t accept
Your sad remorse


Bridge 2
Torturing and agony
Nowhere left to hide
You shouldn’t have sinned in life
Now you will pay with all your pain

I didn't quite like this bridge...and the first line was good, but the last three need some changing



Overall, it wasn't bad...I didn't quite like your 3, 2, 3, 2 scheme much....if there's music to this, I'd like to hear it so I can understand the flow a little more

Another thing, don't bump your piece, unless you want your thread closed, so take this as a warning....and read the rules....if you want someone to critique your piece, crit someone else and leave a link in hopes they'll send one back to ya...
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#5
Verse 1
Running now as fast as you can
Through the darkening woods
See above you the haunting Dusk
Last line's weak, but pretty solid otherwise.

Nowhere To Run
Nowhere To hide
Love it. Punchy, brutal, to the point.

They are running after you
With mad red eyes
Evil creatures, parts of you
I'd consider changing the 2nd line, but great stuff regardless.

Nowhere To Run
Nowhere To hide

Could’ve ran away from trouble
Could’ve been more wise
But you chose a life you can’t handle
Can't feel a rhythm here. But the words are well chosen.

Now you will die
Run for your life
Potential point for a solo here? Great short, to the point, brutal lines.

Bridge 1
Feel them getting closer now
Feel the grip on your shoulder
Spine shaking, freezing cold
As all hope for escape is gone
Simply shocking, in a good way.

Chorus
Tearing your flesh apart
From which the demon feeds
All that is left of you
Is just the echoed screams
Weaker than some parts, but still pretty good.

Verse 2

Pulling you from the hair
Grip as tight as hell
They are taking you somewhere
Beginning to go downhill here. Get some rhyming in there.

Worse than the hell
And the despair
Again, weaker than the rest, I'd consider chopping this bit.

Dragging you deep in the forest
Where the torture awaits
Under the earth, in hell’s caves
Horrid. Get rid of it, or change it a lot. Needs rhyming, flow.

All hope is gone
Nothing to hold (onto….)
I'd stick a "now" onto the 1st line, and "There's" onto the 2nd. Feels incomplete as it is.

Feel the world around you darken
Feel the cold demise
Suffering awaits and grins
3rd line is questionable, but the other 2 are for keeps.

They won’t accept
Your sad remorse
Sad remorse? Come on, putting 2 synonyms next to each other isn't the way to go.

Bridge 2
Torturing and agony
Nowhere left to hide
You shouldn’t have sinned in life
Now you will pay with all your pain
Back on form here.


Overall, it started excellent and tailed off towards the end. Still better than most though.

C4C?
#6
Thanks for the comments!!! I know it's a bit rushed, I wrote it on my mobile phone at 1am, and I was getting sleepy towards the end... But it's still good for a heavy metal song eh?
#8
Believe it or not, I've never taken longer than 30 minutes to write anything, most things are under 10, it isnt an accomplishment and either is mine, if it flows it flows. There's a lot of cliche words in here like; torturing, tearing, freezing, die, sin, pain. If those were changed this would be a lot better. I think in this case taking longer than 30 mins would help a lot, you could change some words and revise etc. I dislike the 2 line stanzas, once again cliche that exact phrase has been in songs before. I've read another of your pieces and just wish you'd take more time, I get the impression that you are settling.

C4C any in sig.