#1
stretch.
pt. 2 of "reach."


such a waste.
suffocated sloth,
i took a trip to
breathe a little better.

(contraceptive)

met with an oak door
at 2 a.m.
punched it 3 times
before Nikki and a pitbull
named Malachi were surprised
to see me.

(and Blackwater echoes)

before i knew it
i was saying hi to
familiar faces and
shaking hands and
handing fives to
memories and just memories
and i'm a man
made of smiles and
cigarettes and
the damn butterflies
i tried to puke up beforehand,
shaky hands
God's hands
it's all in the hands.

(let's drink;
such a waste.)
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 23, 2008,
#3
I didn't like "Contraceptive" just standing there by it's lonesome. It didn't contribue (like myself during spring cleaning). The final stanza was poor on rhymes. It used "hands" and "and" until they bled to death. What I DID like was the rhythm. Hard consonants helped the rhythm and made it unique. The middle stanza was a good way to present a normal situation, but felt somewhat sloppy when it came to rhythm. That was the only spot where I didn't like the rhythm.
#4
i usually hate numbers not written as words,
but the 2 a.m. / 3 times part works well.

memories and just memories
felt off, but other than that, very enjoyable.
Meadows
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#5
- "punched" - isn't a term I'm overly keen of.

- "(and Blackwater echoes)" - I don't understand this.

- "memories and just memories" - This doesn't work in my eyes.

- "and i'm a man
made of smiles and
cigarettes and
the damn butterflies
i tried to puke up beforehand," - Fantastic!

I need to read the other piece to understand this better.

Excellent otherwise.

Digitally Clean
#6
nice flash of a pair with the penultimate stanza.

this was cool. elegant and easy on the eye, and the mind.

if it were a girl, I'd make love to it, not **** it.
#7
quite enjoyable... still feels a little rough around the edges... but I can't put my finger on why. But honestly, I think it wouldn't wprk if it wasn't rough... it needed that edge to it... so I guess that its not bad. If it was polished, it would be like Bill Gates living in a trailer park.

Good read.
#8
hey, i want to let you guys know that i very much appreciate you getting to this.
oh, Digitally Clean, "Blackwater" is a song; it was playing in the background that night.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
this reminds me of the man who kept his sense. and we all know what happened to that man (he kept the night he believed in). and i'm glad about that for more than one reason, the first of which being the second and the third. the part about the hands was touching and beautifully elegant like a peacock. you remind me of a coconut armpit, ottoavist, you remind me of a dove covered in chocolate sprinkles sitting on a rainbow eating smiles and hearts. this didn't flow, it flew, like a caramel dream and a silk pillow that massages your head like a prostitute. god, i can't get this out of my head, i'll grow my hair instead.

the hands, it was so grand. are you a member of the monarchy?
#11
Alex, i look forward to your comments like a withering flower for the rain.
thank you man, seriously.
you too, MopMaster; i appreciate it.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
This was such a beautiful simple piece, but the thing I loved most about the previous part was the unity and how it worked so well in a one stanza structure. This structure bothered me a lot, especially the brackets. It was so damaging to the simplicity of the piece and the small intricate details you put into the wording and meaning were almost lost completely in this structure. It's not hard to guess which was my favourite stanza. Write like that and I'll pay money for your stuff.
This is not a pipe
#13
Carmel, thank you so very much for the comment.
i see exactly where you're coming from on the issue of the structure, too, and i'm really glad you pointed that out. i can't wait to return crits to everyone.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#14
Thank you for taking time to look at my piece. Lately I have had comments from others as well saying how they prefer my older pieces over the new ones. What I have found is, now that my life is becoming more interesting, and new people are coming in, my writing is changing too. Maybe it is the fact that I'm writing about the people in my life, where is before I was writing more abstractly about objects in my life and what persons I hoped to gain in my life.

Now on to your piece. I'm having trouble drawing a connection between the first verse and the rest of the piece. In the second verse you mention punching an oak door which involves movement of the hands. And in the second verse "hands" pops up four times, not including "beforehand", which was clever. What I really enjoyed was the "puking up butterflies", butterflies in your stomach, getting rid of them.

The entire piece as a whole I believe is about sparking an old relationship back up, that use to be bad, and you have a gut feeling it isn't going to get any better. In the second verse, I found the pitbull to represesnt hostility. Although I'm having trouble finding the symbolism in the word Malachi itself, "the chosen one".
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror