#1
These are at the moment a work in progress. I wrote them with my mate about the time he split with his long time girlfriend, they're together now but it was a big part of life and we thought we'd write a song about it. It's kinda of an indie/rock song.

Verse 1 + 2

Things are out of control, what should I do?
I'm losing my grip, I think that I'm losing you,
It's one step forwards and two steps back,
Gotta keep this train running on the right track.

I'm lost in my thoughts yet my mind is blank,
I thought, I thought I could swim but I clearly sank,
I've only got one life so I've got to make the most of it
I'm going crazy but I know its just the start of it.

Bridge

We're only friends,
But I want more,
I think that I love you,
I wish that you loved me more.

Chorus

I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
My heart it is drowning, my mind it is shouting,
I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
I want to be with you, I think that I love you, do you?
hello
#2
Sorry, but..

*reported*

Read forum rules, dude
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#4
Quote by carmel_l
Nothing wrong with this thread. Genre is allowed in title.


Oh. Was that changed recently? lol

Edit: Huge fail on my fault. Apologies to TS and to Carmel.
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POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#5
Since no one is really criting you
The "I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
My heart it is drowning, my mind it is shouting," Part was kinda strange at first
Cause treading water while the heart is drowning kinda cought me off guard

But other than that good lrics for the Indie/Rock Genre
#6
Since I reported you unfairly like a douche, I might as well crit you too! :P

Quote by opc100
Verse 1 + 2

Things are out of control, what should I do?
I'm losing my grip, I think that I'm losing you,
It's one step forwards and two steps back,
Gotta keep this train running on the right track.
Good stanza. The last line seems a bit "tacked on" to me though, in all honesty.

I'm lost in my thoughts yet my mind is blank,
I thought, I thought I could swim but I clearly sank,
I've only got one life so I've got to make the most of it
I'm going crazy but I know its just the start of it.
I don't like the first line for some reason.

Bridge

We're only friends,
But I want more,
I think that I love you,
I wish that you loved me more.
I like this. This part in particular is easy to relate to.

Chorus

I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
My heart it is drowning, my mind it is shouting,
I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
I want to be with you, I think that I love you, do you?
I like this, but I think you should change the last line to "I want to be with you, do you love me too?" because "do you?" seems very vague.


Good writing.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.
#7
Verse 1 + 2

Things are out of control, what should I do?
I'm losing my grip, I think that I'm losing you,
It's one step forwards and two steps back,
Gotta keep this train running on the right track.
Solid, but nothing revolutionary. Don't really like the 1st line.

I'm lost in my thoughts yet my mind is blank,
I thought, I thought I could swim but I clearly sank,
I've only got one life so I've got to make the most of it
I'm going crazy but I know its just the start of it.
2nd pair of lines doesn't feel quite right. Rhyming a word with itself isn't a good idea. But for all my arrogance in that, I can't suggest an improvement.

Bridge

We're only friends,
But I want more,
I think that I love you,
I wish that you loved me more.
Good stuff, probably my favorite part of the piece.

Chorus

I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
My heart it is drowning, my mind it is shouting,
I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
I want to be with you, I think that I love you, do you?
Weakest part, imo. Too repetitive for my likings, and not enough punch; however I'm no indie fan so don't listen to me with respect to choruses.


Overall view: good stuff, could do with a few more metaphors, similes, etc though. It feels a bit too direct and in your face to me, while at the same time lacking raw force. Try to mask what you're really saying with technique, and put more message into the poem by chopping it down to short, savage lines. But hell, I'm trying to turn this into a thrash metal song...
#8
this is a disgusting example of everything that is wrong with modern lyrical work. firstly, the subject/topic/theme is mundane to the extent of nausea. i would estimate that i have read this piece over a thousand times before.

the bridge is revoltingly cliche. the kind of cliche that invokes cringes and a sympathetic mentality. i feel kind of sorry for the poet, in the same sense that i would feel sorry for a forty-year-old handicap looking for his mum in the supermarket. the phrasing is absolutely dire, and this lacks originality so much that i can't even believe the words haven't already faded into a hazy mist of nothing.

apologies for being overly acerbic, but this is the worst piece of writing i've ever had the discomfort of reading in all of my life. i wish you good luck in the future, you sure as hell need it.
#9
Quote by skagitup
this is a disgusting example of everything that is wrong with modern lyrical work. firstly, the subject/topic/theme is mundane to the extent of nausea. i would estimate that i have read this piece over a thousand times before.

the bridge is revoltingly cliche. the kind of cliche that invokes cringes and a sympathetic mentality. i feel kind of sorry for the poet, in the same sense that i would feel sorry for a forty-year-old handicap looking for his mum in the supermarket. the phrasing is absolutely dire, and this lacks originality so much that i can't even believe the words haven't already faded into a hazy mist of nothing.

apologies for being overly acerbic, but this is the worst piece of writing i've ever had the discomfort of reading in all of my life. i wish you good luck in the future, you sure as hell need it.

oh come one, at least tell me how to improve it, that is what it's for

edit: and are you by any chance a 'thespian'. you seem a tad over dramatic.
hello
Last edited by opc100 at Jul 24, 2008,
#10
i would heartily encourage the complete abolition of this piece in it's entirety. attempting to improve it would be akin to moulding a piece of shit into the shape of a dove.
#11
Quote by skagitup
i would heartily encourage the complete abolition of this piece in it's entirety. attempting to improve it would be akin to moulding a piece of shit into the shape of a dove.

i should probably say, it isn't a poem, it's a song, so it will be a bit more exciting, or would that make i more exciting in the sense that a bit of mould growing on **** makes it more exciting?
hello
#12
anyway, skagitup, instead if sitting on your literary high horse, crit it, don't just tell me your opinion, tell me how it can be improved.
hello
#13
i've never attempted to convey myself as any kind of altitudinous rider. all i've done is note that this work is beyond repair. it's beyond casual editing, it needs to stand in the midst of a scrap-yard, desolate and forgotten in a grave of dirt and soil.

you remind of the man who learnt too late. it is essential that you embrace the kettle. there is little time to spare.
#16
look, even though it may seem a tad harsh; Alex(skagitup) is pretty much totally correct in his opinion.
there will be some to like this, you did say it was a song, and that adds emotion to the catatonic seclusion of the words by themselves. but it's not entirely accessible to a general audience. the forced rhymes, the lack of originality, and the sheer subject matter is enough to make one click the "back" button when they enter the page.
but enough with telling you what you did wrong.
here's my advice:
keep writing. write your heart out; and when you see the little guy actually leave your chest, grab him and hold him and suffocate him to a thread of dear life and spill every ounce of emotion you've ever had, let years of anger and pride and love and lust fly with passion never ceasing onto your paper.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#17
Quote by opc100
These are at the moment a work in progress. I wrote them with my mate about the time he split with his long time girlfriend, they're together now but it was a big part of life and we thought we'd write a song about it. It's kinda of an indie/rock song.

Verse 1 + 2

Things are out of control, what should I do?
I'm losing my grip, I think that I'm losing you,
It's one step forwards and two steps back,
Gotta keep this train running on the right track.
Good verse, not qualms here

I'm lost in my thoughts yet my mind is blank,
I thought, I thought I could swim but I clearly sank,
I've only got one life so I've got to make the most of it
I'm going crazy but I know its just the start of it.
I'm not too crazy about you rhyming "it" with "it". It's a bit too Kid Rock for me. I don't know if you want to change it, I just think it'd be a bit better

Bridge

We're only friends,
But I want more,
I think that I love you,
I wish that you loved me more.
Again, not crazy about rhyming more with more

Chorus

I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
My heart it is drowning, my mind it is shouting,
I'm treading water, I think that I love you,
I want to be with you, I think that I love you, do you?
I really like that last line. Good repetition


Very solid song. Like I said, i'm not a huge fan of rhyming a word with the same word, so it could be better. Fits well with the genre you described. Thumbs up