#1
Been a long time since I last wrote anything, so apologies if it is a bit rough...would actually appreciate the crit a bit more, so all is appreciated, and I will do my best to return some too.

I Didn't Know You Could Talk

I said "slow down, son,
You're going too fast,
And soon you'll be done!"
The boy looked straight past
me and turned away.

I've been the nice guy for
So long, too long, don't know
how long, so "nice" is going out the door.

If ever there was a time
that I needed someone,
Rest assured, you would not know.
I shut the door whilst in my prime,
And may as well have been gone.

You said "it's happened again, friend,
I don't know what I've done."
It is a cry to which I must attend.

You said "we're struggling up there, friend,
is there a spare hand you can lend?"
It is a cry to which I must attend.

I said "slow down, son,
I've only two hands
to get the job done!"
The boy looked over, stands
next to me and whispers...

"I didn't know you could talk!"
'Mon The Biffy!

Boing Boing

Member #2 of the Biffy Fan Club. PM onlyonehere to join.

Quote by Caustic
I like this guy.
Last edited by Biggs at Jul 23, 2008,
#2
Quote by Biggs
Been a long time since I last wrote anything, so apologies if it is a bit rough...would actually appreciate the crit a bit more, so all is appreciated, and I will do my best to return some too.

I Didn't Know You Could Talk

I said "slow down, son,
You're going too fast,
And soon you'll be done!"
The boy looked straight past
me and turned away.
Good rhyme, flows well. The last line bugs me, though. It feels, to me, like it shouldn't be there.

I've been the nice guy for
So long, too long, don't know
how long, so "nice" is going out the door.
I like this, also flow wells.

If ever there was a time
that I needed someone,
Rest assured, you would not know.
I shut the door whilst in my prime,
And may as well have been gone.
I don't know what you meant by the last line, but I may just be dumb. Good section though.

You said "it's happened again, friend,
I don't know what I've done."
It is a cry to which I must attend.

You said "we're struggling up there, friend,
is there a spare hand you can lend?"
It is a cry to which I must attend.
I like these parts.

I said "slow down, son,
I've only two hands
to get the job done!"
The boy looked over, stands
next to me and whispers...

"I didn't know you could talk!"


This is a good piece. Nice ending, good flow to the piece.
ADELOS
POP PUNK
for fans of...

Motion City Soundtrack, Get Up Kids, Jimmy Eat World, Transit, Brand New, Dashboard Confessional, Early November, Fall Out Boy, Jawbreaker, Polar Bear Club, The Story So Far, the Wonder Years, Something Corporate.