#1
I haven't been on here for a while. I'm a seriously believer in a CRIT4CRIT society, so let's make it happen.


OveR
by Benji

I could never get away
towards
thrown together in a conjunction
train of thought

I thought all was lost, emotions tossed, this is the feeling of acid reflux, when your heart comes to your throat and thrashes like a boat in the stormiest of seas that collides with the remnants of the tree

where we

carved our names in it
then counted the rings

whatever happened to those good old flings
that were over before a swing
could get away


Thanks for reading
#2
i ddint really like it, thats not saying its bad, it just didnt start well, keep it up!
#3
I could never get away
towards
thrown together in a conjunction
train of thought
This intro should stand alone and capture the imagination.
I think it was poorer than the rest of the piece



I thought all was lost, emotions tossed, this is the feeling of acid reflux, when your heart comes to your throat and thrashes like a boat in the stormiest of seas that collides with the remnants of the tree
I really hate it when an object/plant/whatever is mentioned as significant with 'the' and then the explanation comes. I think you just about did it in exactly the way that annoys me
I thought the rhytmn in this section was good but not 100%
try saying this as some spoken word
and see what fits


where we
The line break realy doesn't help

carved our names in it
then counted the rings
and again
I just feel that there should be some aforementioned information about said tree carving before it switches in that way from another idea to this.


whatever happened to those good old flings
that were over before a swing
could get away
Might want to make this a tad clearer.
As an ending it wasn't as strong as it could be
and swings getting away? Have I missed something?
I'm sure I have.

Afraid this piece just didn't grab me.
With tightening, it could be really good
but this feels like a rough draft.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#4
Ah, the haphazard structure really gave it that flingtype feel; rushed, edgy, on-the-spot. The rhymes worked well too, gave the piece a decent sense of rhythm.

Loved the rings idea. I felt this had a little nichey charm about it. It wasn't polished but I didn't think it needed to be a polished piece. And I know you can write in a more polished way so, yeah, the structure of this made the piece.

I liked it. St-St-Stick around Benji.

Links in my sig if you wanna trade comments. Cheers if you could.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 24, 2008,