#1
Liquid Sun


woken up by radiance
falling at our eyes
yellow fluid fills
the world as u rise

transitioning color
from red to gold
touching the young
touching the old

liquid sun
melting away into the night
lightened one
fading away from the sight

amalgamation
under the sun
as our shadows blend
we stand as one

painting life
on earth's face
all posible colors
all possible shades

liquid sun
melting away into the night
lightened one
fading away from the sight


a start is the
means to an end
#2
Quote by n0thin6
Liquid Sun


woken up by radiance
falling at our eyes
yellow fluid fills
the world as u rise

i like the first two lines, but then it doesn't flow. it just seems a bit too wordy.

transitioning color
from red to gold
touching the young
touching the old

i LOVE this stanza, it just rolls off the tongue really nicely, i love the first two lines especially, it gives it a very psychedelic feel.

liquid sun
melting away into the night
lightened one
fading away from the sight

like this, but maybe change the last line to 'fading away, out of sight'

amalgamation
under the sun
as our shadows blend
we stand as one

like this stanza, not really much else to be said.

painting life
on earth's face
all posible colors
all possible shades

this stanza seems a bit week, maybe expand on each line a bit.

liquid sun
melting away into the night
lightened one
fading away from the sight

as before, last line.


a start is the
means to an end

i like this, overall, needs tweaking, but it's a good start.


C4C Treading Water
hello
Last edited by opc100 at Jul 24, 2008,
#3
I think it is very good I can picture all the things your talking about and nice use of personification with painting life on earth's faces overall very good
#5
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