#1
this is a poem about my uncle and his death at the hands of wendy's food chain.


every night when i dream the same dream
i turn and toss the sheets doused in sweat
and many times i will forget
what that dream was, until i remember

that it was a dream of aspiration, as are most
a dream in it's truest form,
that i was living in a city of the future
where politics rest

and that i was sipping milkshake
from a glass overspilling, and yet
through a simple twist of father and son
it is snatched from my grasp by wendy

and fades, like a gentle pain
or tidings on a christmas night
into curses of the wicked kind
that linger still, although despite

the twisted thoughts that plague my mind
and wreck my every nightly sleep
i will return, like the navy
to the simple thoughts that i keep

and to my own, simple, life,
of which i am not moderately proud
but am focused always, rather,
on the night and all of it's pretty hamburgers.

and that is just the perfect word
for they are not as evil as they seem
but they are a torture i will encounter
every night in that same dream.
Last edited by skagitup at Jul 24, 2008,
#2
Solid, but not incredible.

Some lines feel a bit dissociated with the lines around them; eg
and wreck my every nightly sleep
i will return, like the navy
to the simple thoughts that i keep

I'm not getting that metaphor, either. The Navy (you need caps there, it's an organisation) don't inherently have simple thoughts, and it's not the first thing I'd associate with them. (OT:They're cleverer than the rest of the armed forces 'coz they've got more protection than the land forces... Those ships are pretty solid.)

An initial feel I got of the piece's that it's a bit "chunky", doesn't have the best flow I've ever seen. A lot of the metaphors feel clumsy, as if they're put in there 'coz they're metaphors so should make the piece better, as compared to using metaphors when/if they're needed. I think that you're using techniques as a rule instead of a tool, which is the way I think they should be used.

Another major technical limit you're hitting is the rhyme scheme, you're sticking to it too closely and it spoils your use of language on occasion. eg:
or tidings on a christmas night
into curses of the wicked kind
that linger still, although despite

The last 2 words in that stanza feel forced to me; they're too similar.

But apart from that, nice job. However, I can't find the inspired edge to this piece. Was there one?
#4
^ if you expect to recieve a return crit for just telling me that i wrote what came into my head, you are positively mental. however, as i'm also mental, i'll give you one.

^^ firstly, this is a poem - there are no grammatical, literary or syntactical rules here. as you can see, i've decided not to use capitals throughout as they look ugly. do you seriously think using a capital letter to start navy would be beneficial? if you do then you may be delusional. also, most sane people would associate, in this context, the navy with men who are away from home for a long time and then return. it's quite a simple idea, and exactly what i wanted to convey. also, as this is written about my uncle who was in the navy, i think it contributes to the piece.

you have criticised my "sticking too closely" to the rhyme scheme, despite there being no consistent scheme whatsoever, and the rhyme scheme i was (apparently) using, being entirely absent in three of the seven stanzas. that's strange. i think you meant that a rhyme felt forced. "although, despite ..., ...." is quite a common sentence construction and thus i would disagree heartily.

i agree that this is quite a boring piece, but i found your criticisms, and your awfully vitriolic tone, quite redundant.

thanks for the help, though. if there's anything you want me to get to, leave a link.
Last edited by skagitup at Jul 24, 2008,
#5
this isn't a boring piece. the rhymes made it enjoyably accessible.
however; the relative accessibility kind of puts some dissonance in the message being conveyed. doesn't really make it hit as hard as it should have, imo; which i'm sure you already know, because you're nothing short of an amazing writer. :]
there is one verse i'm inclined to point out to you:
and to my own, simple, life,
of which i am not moderately proud
but am focused always, rather,
on the night and all of it's pretty devils.
this stanza completely left the piece for me, and lingered for a little while in all of it's lovely existence.
take it easy man. don't worry about returning the crit either, Alex; i owe you bunches. bunches.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.