#1
This is a poem, not a song, just to be clear about it.

Dream

I see you on the black canvas of blindness;
You haunt my every hesitation, you are my every fear.
I see perfection within the eyes; within the mind.
Dead eyes watch us as I fall inside myself;
Beauty is observed as a slow dissection of logic.

I tear at your face; I feel it cutting into my cheek.
Hatred burns into me as I singe in mutilated silence.
I am held down by you, securely, safely suffering;
Every movement is a chore when I can see you.
I shall drift away and drown in this monstrous reality.
#2
Quote by MopMaster
This is a poem, not a song, just to be clear about it.

Dream

I see you on the black canvas of blindness;(nice articulation)
You haunt my every hesitation, you are my every fear.
I see perfection within the eyes; within the mind.
Dead eyes watch us as I fall inside myself;(alternate word for dead, I'm thinking lead, due to you falling asleep, ie heavy eyes)
Beauty is observed as a slow dissection of logic.(good wordy phrase)

I tear at your face; I feel it cutting into my cheek.
Hatred burns into me as I singe in mutilated silence.(don't like the word mutilated, there are better words imo)
I am held down by you, securely, safely suffering;(nice use of aliteration)
Every movement is a chore when I can see you.(way to show the dislike)
I shall drift away and drown in this monstrous reality.
(well put)

First off I HATE the name, thesaurus dream, there has to be better words than dream. I liked what you had going on and that there was resolve, dont let my over critiquing fool you, I enjoyed this a lot.
#3
Quote by MopMaster
This is a poem, not a song, just to be clear about it.

Dream

I see you on the black canvas of blindness;
You haunt my every hesitation, you are my every fear.
The rhythm wasn't quite established yet. I just had so much difficulty reading these lines. If "hesitation" was a shorter word, this might get a triplet feel, but it makes the first half almost full length. I just have no idea what the rhythm is, and I think this piece (considering how long the lines are) needs to have the rhythm established right away.
I see perfection within the eyes; within the mind.
The first "within" hurt the flow. Change it to the basic "in", but keep the second occurance. The ; creates a rest syllable, and evens out the rhythm.
Dead eyes watch us as I fall inside myself;
Beauty is observed as a slow dissection of logic.

I tear at your face; I feel it cutting into my cheek.
Hatred burns into me as I singe in mutilated silence.
I am held down by you, securely, safely suffering;
Every movement is a chore when I can see you.
I shall drift away and drown in this monstrous reality.


Here's my take on it. From beginning to end, I had problems with the rhythm. It just never dug its feet into the ground. Each line was an exception from the last, and I just never knew how to read it. I'd take advantage of sense stress and hammer down a rhythm, with at least half the lines strictly adhering to a number of syllables (epecially the first two lines, since they set the tone and rhythm of the entire piece).

Crit mine in my sig?
#4
pretty cool, its dark and depressing but not so much in a "look at how dark and depressed I am" way like a lot of the other lyrics/poems posted on here are.
is it about an overbearing mother? seems to be that way. make that bitch shut up, its not your fault you didn't do very well in school, all the teachers just hated you because you were an individual
#5
Now i'm not one to discourage, but this is like so many poems before it. I, personally, don't like it. That's just me, the style isn't really what I like, it doesn't have anything truely unique about it, and it feels forced. Just let your ideas flow how they are. Leave it raw and powerful.


If you'd like, c4c http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=15419447#post15419447
#6
I suggest having a go at writing a few poems in meter to gain a better sense of flow. You don't have to stick to it, but it's a useful tool to have there in the back of your mind as you write something; if you're aware of the closest to perfect the rhythm can be, you're more likely to be able to pick it up. Read poetry took, published poetry, and see the techniques used and what effects they have.

Also, write what you know and use images for it that are relatable to you.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!