#1
If you missed out on part 1, I suggest you go take a look here, please do not crit part 1:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=910845

c4c as always....enjoy


I rose from my bed in a panic and found that Heather wasn't there. The room was dark, but there was enough light from the alarm clock to see. It flashed twelve o'clock. I walked down the stairs to get a glass of water and saw Heather sleeping on the sofa. A memory popped in my head about the argument we had last night. Words were said that should have never been. My stomach twisted at the thought of her leaving me.

The kitchen light was still on, so all the toys on the floor were fairly visible. I grabbed a glass from a cabinet above the sink and filled it from a pitcher. Cold water never tasted so good. The wooden floor creaked behind me and I turned to look, no one. Chugging the water and filling the glass again as a chair moved behind me. A chill ran down my spine as it dragged against the floor. Heather was sitting there. Her hair was manged from what appeared to be restlessness and covered her face some.

"Come to bed with me, honey," I told her. She gave no reply, and looked emotionless. There was a feeling in the room that just wasn't normal. God I'm gettin' tired of this multiple dream Shit! Heather just sat there, still and quiet. She never blinked as I waved my hand across her face. Shrugging it off and turned around to see Heather still sleeping on the sofa. My eyes had to be deceiving me, so I looked back and saw only an empty chair.

"This is fucked up," I said to myself. Heather's cheek was cold as I kissed her and whispered, "I love you, babe." She made a soft grunt and moved some.

Getting up the stairs was a challenge because of all the toys. "I need to quit spoiling these kids." As I made entry to my room, whispers followed not from far behind. The hall was empty.

"Heather, is that you," my voice trembled. No answer. I fell on my bed and someone was already lying there. It was Rachel.

"I had a nightmare, daddy. Can I sleep with you?"
"Yeah, baby girl..."
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
Last edited by Eaglestalon101 at Jul 28, 2008,
#2
- "It flash twelve o'clock." - Incorrect tenses here and I can't see any reason why you would deliberatley have it.

- "A memory flash" - repitition doesn't suit.

- "twisted (the) at thought of her leaving me." - Also mistake in wording here, "the" should entered here.

- "Cold water never tasted so good" - Excellent stuff. You are making something as simple as that feel so detailed and important; shows the simplicity of life.

Your ending was superb. Apart from a few gramatically errors, this was a really nice read. Engaging, maticulous layout and tension process, and interesting plot line. This read like an excellent story. But then again, there was nothing special in your word choices, metaphors - or lack of them - literay devices, all ways in which you could show how much you care for this piece. It shows time, effort and persaverance. But also, it can help suck the reader into a new world, and this was about a dream, so therefore its important to help us become dreamers with enticing words and detailed analogies, which this lacked.
But once again, the tension was graciously layed out for me so its not a big problem at all.

Digitally Clean
#3
Thanks for checking the grammar errors....I was typing pretty fast and didn't check over it like I should have....

I'll look at what I can do to tidy this up with some literary devices....appreciate the help man

Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#4
Is this an excerpt of a novel/story you are writing? If so I'd read the whole thing, you keep my attention through out, and there is a subtleness to everything that was written. I like the ending a lot. The toys line threw me off for awhile to I realized he had kids. I also thought Heather was dead for a while....

Great read. Thanks for the crit. I'm looking forward to more things from you.
#5
Quote by Eaglestalon101
If you missed out on part 1, I suggest you go take a look here, please do not crit part 1:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=910845

c4c as always....enjoy

title sounds like an episode of the twilight zone


Rising from my bed in a panic and found that Heather wasn't there. should be "i rose", or something to make it make sense grammatically The room was dark, but there was enough light from the alarm clock to see. It flashed twelve o'clock. I walked down the stairs to get a glass of water and saw Heather sleeping on the sofa. A memory popped in my head about the argument we had last night. Words were said that should have never been. that sentence is a little awkward also My stomach twisted at the thought of her leaving me.

otherwise solid. not too much else to point out

The kitchen light was still on, so all the toys on the floor were fairly visible. I grabbed a glass from a cabinet above the sink and filled it from a pitcher. Cold water never tasted so good. The wooden floor creaked behind me and I turned to look, no one. Chugging the water and filling the glass again, a chair moved behind me. again, its obvious what you mean, but its not worded correctly A chill ran down my spine as it dragged against the floor. Heather was sitting there. Her hair was manged from what appeared to be restlessness and covered her face some.

"Come to bed with me, honey," I told her. She gave no reply, and looked emotionless. There was a feeling in the room that just wasn't normal. God I'm gettin' tired of this multiple dream ****! Heather just sat there, still and quiet. She never blinked as I waved my hand across her face. Shrugging it off and turned around to see Heather still sleeping on the sofa. My eyes have to be deceiving me, so I looked back and saw only an empty chair. switching from past to present tense in the same sentence

"This is fucked up," I said to myself. Heather's cheek was cold as I kissed her and whispered, "I love you, babe." She made a soft grunt and moved some.

Getting up the stairs was a challenge because of all the toys. "I need to quit spoiling these kids." As I made entry to my room, whispers followed not far from behind. i dont tihnk "from" is supposed to be there. or you just put it in the wrong place. The hall was empty.

"Heather, is that you," my voice trembled. No answer. I fell on my bed and someone was already lying there. It was Rachel.

"I had a nightmare, daddy. Can I sleep with you?"
"Yeah, baby girl..."

now that all thats out of the way:
the ending actually did surprise me. i dont know if this is going to be longer or not, if it is ending there it works. if not im curious where else you would be going with this.
not a lot else i can point out specifically here that hasnt been mentioned between the two parts. it was actually a pretty interesting read. tweaking a few things to make this read more naturally/correctly would probly help, but aside from that its seems pretty solid IMO.
Last edited by sjada at Jul 25, 2008,
#6
Thanks guys, I made a few more corrections
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!