#1
So here's my last one. It's supposed to be a Neo-Prog song; I already have it all in mind, but for now I just want it this way. It's supposed to be very epic like, 8 minutes long, so... here are the lyrics, I hope you enjoy. C4C (leave link)

Is it safe to go outside ? Since we’re completely exposed, and once we’ve sank into the wild,
do we have somewhere to hide ? Havens burnt by selfishness and overused arrogance;
when Armageddon’s brought by feelings, where’s the meaning to leave home ?

Between suicidal attempts and happiness, there is a mess we cannot fix:
A tired web of inconstancy on the depths of my mind, from which I can’t release.
The beast is weary, powerless, unleash-unable and it failed to existence.
Instead of turning to one another, why don’t we find the true meaning of intolerance ?
It’s all around us...
It’s out there...
And I can’t bear to take this anymore on me...
Release the beast !
Let it kill to have ourselves a small feast !

Between the drums and sick parades, there is a phase that goes beyond our celebration:
A banquet filled with salty meat, and strawberry juice to drink, or red wine.
It’s a free party with the lack of publicity; we’re strongly against elitism !

Between the main dish and dessert, we’ll discuss modern society and its in betweens:
A strong device, unreachable, unchangeable, but by no means we’ll stop.
The beast is done, with satiated craw; it’s satisfied but incomplete, as it’s taken to its cage.
Instead of just another day, the beast rebelled against its lords, as it unleashes its rage,
It’s all around us...
It’s out there...
It won’t stop until it feels appeased...
Cancel the feast !
Let the slaughter be concluded by the beast !

Solo

There’s none around us...
There’s just none...
A massacre occurred all among this tribe...
The beast’s out there...
Will the leftovers find a place to hide?
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 24, 2008,
#2
- "Between suicidal attempts and happiness, there is a mess we cannot fix:" - This leaped out to me like a frog on spaw.

- "A tired web of inconstancy on the depths of my mind, from which I can’t release.
The beast is weary, powerless, unleash-unable and it failed to existence." - Not the best word choices here, it doesn't add an element of flow, it feels like it could of been layed out better.

- "Instead of turning to one another, why don’t we find the true meaning of intolerance ?" - Excellent stuff.

- "Release the beast !
Let it kill to have ourselves a small feast ! - I don't like the first line, but the second raises it slightly, just enough to breath.

- "Between the drums and sick parades, there is a phase that goes beyond our celebration:
A banquet filled with salty meat, and strawberry juice to drink, or red wine.
It’s a free party with the lack of publicity; we’re strongly against elitism ! - A triumphant verse.

I couldn't find fault with anything after that, and seeing as I enjoyed this original song so much, I didn't want to do it, I'll leave it to someone else if you don't mind.

One of your best.

Digitally Clean
#4
Quote by seventh_angel


Is it safe to go outside ? Since we’re completely exposed, and once we’ve sank into the wild,
do we have somewhere to hide ? Havens burnt by selfishness and overused arrogance;
Interesting line breaks. But I like the phrase "overused arrogance"
when Armageddon’s brought by feelings, where’s the meaning to leave home ?
All very weighty questions. This is already building up to be pretty deep.

Between suicidal attempts and happiness, there is a mess we cannot fix:
A tired web of inconstancy on the depths of my mind, from which I can’t release.
This is a bit much for me, I have to admit. Cool ideas, though.
The beast is weary, powerless, unleash-unable and it failed to existence.
Awesome here. I like the whole "the beast" thing. Not that it really matters, but I personally would capitalize the word 'beast'.
Instead of turning to one another, why don’t we find the true meaning of intolerance ?
It’s all around us...
It’s out there...
And I can’t bear to take this anymore on me...
Release the beast !
Let it kill to have ourselves a small feast !
Intense.

Between the drums and sick parades, there is a phase that goes beyond our celebration:
I like everything before the comma, but the stuff following it was a bit weak-seeming to me. Phase is a bit vague, and celebration isn't my favorite word for this place.
A banquet filled with salty meat, and strawberry juice to drink, or red wine.
Not sure exactly why, but I really enjoyed this line.
It’s a free party with the lack of publicity; we’re strongly against elitism !
The cry "we're strongly against elitism!" stood out here a lot compared to the rest of the piece thus far.

Between the main dish and dessert, we’ll discuss modern society and its in betweens:
A strong device, unreachable, unchangeable, but by no means we’ll stop.
This is a nicely worded section.
The beast is done, with satiated craw; it’s satisfied but incomplete, as it’s taken to its cage.
Instead of just another day, the beast rebelled against its lords, as it unleashes its rage,
This section could be extremely powerful if you made it a bit less wordy.
It’s all around us...
It’s out there...
It won’t stop until it feels appeased...
Drop "it feels"
Cancel the feast !
Let the slaughter be concluded by the beast !
This is pretty crazy here too. In a good way.

Solo
Only one? Ha ha

There’s none around us...
There’s just none...
A massacre occurred all among this tribe...
Don't like the word 'tribe', but you need it for the rhyme at this point.
The beast’s out there...
Will the leftovers find a place to hide?


This piece is really intense and epic. A bit too much so for me, but well written nonetheless. I tore into it as much as I could, but there wasn't too much to fault. I enjoyed it quite a bit.
#5
Korny, extremely korny. Something you'd expect a teenage metal band from the 80's to sing.
#6
Quote by dlmebag
Korny, extremely korny. Something you'd expect a teenage metal band from the 80's to sing.


What? Huh? aohahhaha???
#7
I don't understand these people... I just reporte someone's piece for a first time posting limits, with all politeness and also admitting that I had made the same mistake also, and then this guy comes and starts bashing me for doing. I guess he wasn't satisfied enough and came to my piece to say... that.

Btw, if my two most assiduous readers say that this piece has minor faults, I guess I take their opinion more than anyone else's (they, and some writers I really appreciate here on S&L). Now, I please beg you to stop whining, I was just following rules in here.

Oh, and if someone knows any teenage metal band from the 80's with lyrics similar to these ones, I really appreciated to be told some. (I'm not being cocky, I really despise cockyness; but I'm really proud of this piece, it's one of my latest favourite)

Skaliveson, I really appreciated your comment, especially if you say it was a bit too much from you. A deep thank you to all !

Oh, and AngryGoldfish, at least things like these always make us laugh right ? ^^
#8
Quote by seventh_angel
So here's my last one. It's supposed to be a Neo-Prog song; I already have it all in mind, but for now I just want it this way. It's supposed to be very epic like, 8 minutes long, so... here are the lyrics, I hope you enjoy. C4C (leave link)

Is it safe to go outside ? Since we’re completely exposed, and once we’ve sank into the wild,
do we have somewhere to hide ? Havens burnt by selfishness and overused arrogance;
Greatly enjoyed the tie between the beginnings of these first two lines, though line two had a long winded follow up, and didn't seem to flow very well. Line one, despite its length, had a decent flow to it.
when Armageddon’s brought by feelings, where’s the meaning to leave home ?
I don't quite follow this.

Between suicidal attempts and happiness, there is a mess we cannot fix:
A tired web of inconstancy on the depths of my mind, from which I can’t release.
The beast is weary, powerless, unleash-unable and it failed to existence.
Great wording.
Instead of turning to one another, why don’t we find the true meaning of intolerance ?
It’s all around us...
It’s out there...
And I can’t bear to take this anymore on me...
Release the beast !
Let it kill to have ourselves a small feast !
"Anymore on me"? "Ourselves a small feast?" The grammer here seems a bit off. Also, this seems to be a triplet scheme. Here's what I say: Move "It's out there" down once, so "intolerance" is part of the triplet scheme. Then patch up the grammer and you've got a tightly wound set here.

Between the drums and sick parades, there is a phase that goes beyond our celebration:
A banquet filled with salty meat, and strawberry juice to drink, or red wine.
It’s a free party with the lack of publicity; we’re strongly against elitism !
Meh...okay.

Between the main dish and dessert, we’ll discuss modern society and its in betweens:
Connecting society and food with "between". Not a great image, but it's good to see you trying that.
A strong device, unreachable, unchangeable, but by no means we’ll stop.
The beast is done, with satiated craw; it’s satisfied but incomplete, as it’s taken to its cage.
Instead of just another day, the beast rebelled against its lords, as it unleashes its rage,
This felt pretty good here.
It’s all around us...
It’s out there...
It won’t stop until it feels appeased...
Cancel the feast !
Let the slaughter be concluded by the beast !
I don't know about "cancel the feast".

Solo

There’s none around us...
There’s just none...
A massacre occurred all among this tribe...
The beast’s out there...
Will the leftovers find a place to hide?
HA! Great way to describe us human morsels.


Overall, it felt very long winded in terms of line length, but there's enough meat on these bones to permit it's usage, or at least change. Then again, you can't change the line length, really. And you came into this song knowing that the length had to work. The length was actually pretty consistent, as newer guys will sway left and right to force their own words in.

Good job. Crit mine, please?
#9
Thank you for your comment Ninjamonkey767. It'll lead me to two things:

First of all, like I said, I already have it all in mind, so I won't change lines in that supposed triplet scheme (it is not, I remember you this is neo-prog, so the flow is kind of... you know lol)

Secondly, line lenghts are always relative. I could grab this piece and all the long lines could be splitted in two lines. I just wanted this, this way; it is also a way to remind of the flow if someday I forget...

But it was a useful critique nonetheless ^^
#10
^
That's cool. Regardless of what you do, this might have been your best work.

By the way, sorry for making my crit hard to read. I usually bolded my words, but yours was bold to begin with. Myyyyyy baaaaad.
And thanks for the crit on mine.