#1
i wrote this poem at work yesterday and i thought i'd stick it up and see what people thought.


The shape of the world


If you asked me to define the shape of the world,
I'd ask you for a spade.
So I could dig through all the s**t to see if the world I know remains.
In the few years past since I was born.
No, less, the few I've been aware.
I swear similarities in society are harder to see,
then the differences, which I can see everywhere.
Being a child no more, I have no idea,
if they still laugh cry and sing,
miles from their front door.
But I doubt it.
Shackled to their parents by line of sight.
Too fearful of what could happen,
of what might.

It seems these days with no unlocked door in sight, nor unlocked mind.
This country is now more closed,
then the circuits of the screens the guard sees as he spies in on our lives.
Is it really worth it?
Do you actually feel,
that as you walk the street you're protected from the threats that these days are far too real?
That the knife,
can't penetrate that latest government plan to bring security to your life.
I do remember though,
when I was young.
Someone was killed, murdered, where I laughed cried and sung.
It was as if golden drops were shed.
Blood priced as a reflection of time.
It's criminal that now it would just warrant a lonely,
“an incident occurred here” sign.

So if I think on how things have changed.
They have grown,
in every aspect of society you'd want to recede, or at least remain the same.
In crime, pollution, greed.
In taking 10 bob from the government because,
“what the f**k have they ever done for me?”
It's such a shame that the phrase, “no news is good news” now seems always to apply.
To every thirty minute broadcast defining the goings on of our lives.
I actually can't recall the last time I heard something positive said,
in the queen's English coming from the TV set.
If you asked me to define the shape of the world.
I'd like to say a sphere,
but judging from what I can see,
there's nothing resembling something so perfect here.

*edited*
i changed a few lines, and put some spaces in to try and make it easier to read.
Last edited by AK. at Jul 30, 2008,
#2
Quote by AK.
i wrote this poem at work yesterday and i thought i'd stick it up and see what people thought.


The shape of the world


If you asked me to define the shape of the world,
I'd ask you for a spade.
So I could dig through all the s**t to see if the world I know remains.
In the few years past since I was born. No, less, the few I've been aware.
I swear similarities in society are harder to see,
then the differences, which I can see everywhere.
Being a child no more, I have no idea,
if they still laugh and cry and sing, (and sing isnt needed kills rhythm)
miles from their front doors.
But I doubt it.
Shackled to their parents by line of sight.
To(o) fearful of what could happen,
of what might.
It seems these days with no unlocked door in sight, nor unlocked mind.
This country is now more closed,
then the circuits of the screens(,) the guard sees as he spies (in) on our lives.
Is it really worth it?
Do you actually feel,
that as you walk the street you're protected from the threats that these days are far to real.(?)
That the knife,
can't penetrate that latest government plan to bring security to you life.
I do remember though,
when I was young.
Someone was killed, murdered, where I laughed and cried and sung.(and sung isnt needed)
It was such a massive thing.
Which really is a reflection of the time.
It makes me sad, that now it would just warrant a lonely, “an incident occurred here” sign.(sad could be a better word)
So if I think on how things have changed.
They have grown,
in every aspect of society you'd want to recede, or at least remain the same.
In crime, pollution, greed.
In taking 10 bob from the government because,(I dont understand this phrase)
“what the f**k have they ever done for me?”
It's such a shame that the phrase, “no news is good news” now seems always to apply.
To every thirty minute broadcast defining the goings on of our lives.
I actually can't recall the last time I heard something positive said,
in the queen(')s English coming from the TV set.
If you asked me to define the shape of the world.
I'd like to say a sphere,
but judging from what I can see,
there's nothing resembling something so perfect here.(OMG111 good resolve)



Good job, very nice read, you stated things most people feel and put in into words. Which is always good, you made everyday life artistic. Change some words, and get it more organized looking and this would be great. The shape of everything doesnt aid to reading it at all. I like the "Shape of the world" theme, it was nice, and great resolve.

C4C any in my sig.
#3
thanks for the crit, i edited the to\too mistake. there was another one in there as well.

10 bob is 10 pounds. it was meant as a statement on how money grabbing people are these days. somehow its now acceptable to sue the council because, it's not your fault that you weren't looking where you were going, it's theirs for not putting up a sign. also about people who abuse benefits, or live on the dole because it's easier then working. they usually have the attitude that if the governments stupid enough to give away money, it's perfectly fine to milk them dry, even though you're claiming money you have no right to. stuff like that.
#4
Quote by AK.
thanks for the crit, i edited the to\too mistake. there was another one in there as well.

10 bob is 10 pounds. it was meant as a statement on how money grabbing people are these days. somehow its now acceptable to sue the council because, it's not your fault that you weren't looking where you were going, it's theirs for not putting up a sign. also about people who abuse benefits, or live on the dole because it's easier then working. they usually have the attitude that if the governments stupid enough to give away money, it's perfectly fine to milk them dry, even though you're claiming money you have no right to. stuff like that.


I had no idea what a bob was, it makes it make a lot more sense.
#5
Quote by AK.
i wrote this poem at work yesterday and i thought i'd stick it up and see what people thought.


The shape of the world


If you asked me to define the shape of the world,
I'd ask you for a spade.
So I could dig through all the s**t to see if the world I know remains.
In the few years past since I was born. No, less, the few I've been aware.
This line seems a bit weird. I think the period makes it awkward for some reason.
I swear similarities in society are harder to see,
then the differences, which I can see everywhere.
Being a child no more, I have no idea,
if they still laugh cry and sing,
miles from their front door.
But I doubt it.
Shackled to their parents by line of sight.
Too fearful of what could happen,
of what might.
Totally agree man.
However i see the opposite too much too.

It seems these days with no unlocked door in sight, nor unlocked mind.
This country is now more closed,
then the circuits of the screens the guard sees as he spies in on our lives.
Is it really worth it?
Do you actually feel,
that as you walk the street you're protected from the threats that these days are far too real?
That the knife,
can't penetrate that latest government plan to bring security to your life.
I do remember though,
when I was young.
Someone was killed, murdered, where I laughed cried and sung.

It was such a massive thing.
Which really is a reflection of the time.
I would change it to something of the sort of,
"This was a massive thing, blood spilled as a reflection of the time."
or something to the same sort, rather than just a massive thing being a reflection.

It makes me sad, that now it would just warrant a lonely, “an incident occurred here” sign.
So if I think on how things have changed.
perhaps As would start the sentence better. I think its an IMO thing.
They have grown,
in every aspect of society you'd want to recede, or at least remain the same.
In crime, pollution, greed.
In taking 10 bob from the government because,
“what the f**k have they ever done for me?”
It's such a shame that the phrase, “no news is good news” now seems always to apply.
To every thirty minute broadcast defining the goings on of our lives.
I actually can't recall the last time I heard something positive said,
in the queen's English coming from the TV set.
If you asked me to define the shape of the world.
I'd like to say a sphere,
but judging from what I can see,
there's nothing resembling something so perfect here.


This was almost tl;dr, lol
ADHD
>_>
<_<
I totally agree with what youre saying in this piece though. Glad to see someone sees it as i do.
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#6
thanks for the crits guys. kool98769, i know what you mean about the " it was such a massive thing" bit. it is a bit plain, and i like the idea of blood. also Matt Chavie , you're right, sad is such a boring word.

how about something like

I do remember though,
when I was young.
Someone was killed, murdered, where I laughed cried and sung.
it was as if golden drops were shed.
Blood priced as a reflection of time.
it's criminal that now it would just warrant, a lonely “an incident occurred here” sign.

maybe "golden drops" is a bit too cheesy.

what do you think?
#7
Really nice. I like the whole poem. It's just solid. I mean gramatical errors were all fixed and that's really all I saw.

Perhaps change the name, it reminds of... some other song title?

I could swear there's another song called Shape of the World.
Or it might be Strength of the World be A7X

Crit my latest? If you can.
#10
Quote by servant 2 serve
havent read this fully but i golden drops is cheesy. ha



ha, yeah i know. the question though was whether it's too cheesy. i think it's ok but i'm still not massively happy with it.

suggestions are welcome.
#11
Quote by AK.
i wrote this poem at work yesterday and i thought i'd stick it up and see what people thought.


The shape of the world


If you asked me to define the shape of the world,
I'd ask you for a spade.
So I could dig through all the s**t to see if the world I know remains.
In the few years past since I was born.
No, less, the few I've been aware.

hmmm, I like the first 4 lines, they had a decent flow, get rid of the comma after no cuz that destroys it, I think....In line for I thought it should read In the past few years since I was born....but the way how you wrote tries to make you sound structurally clever, but my brain didn't process the sentence that way...

I swear similarities in society are harder to see,
then the differences, which I can see everywhere.
Being a child no more, I have no idea,
if they still laugh cry and sing,
miles from their front door.
But I doubt it.
Shackled to their parents by line of sight.
Too fearful of what could happen,
of what might.

Um, second line, then should be than when trying to make a comparison, I'll say it was a typo since A and E are fairly close together Again that last line just didn't seem to flow too well with this stanza...maybe 'of more than one might' may work, I just don't like how you rhymed sight with might IMO

It seems these days with no unlocked door in sight, nor unlocked mind.
This country is now more closed,
then the circuits of the screens the guard sees as he spies in on our lives.
Is it really worth it?
Do you actually feel,
that as you walk the street you're protected from the threats that these days are far too real?

Again 'then' should be 'than' on line three...I'll give you the benefit of the doubt
It'll be OK to break down line six after 'protected' IMO...Other than that I like this so far...


That the knife,
can't penetrate that latest government plan to bring security to your life.
I do remember though,
when I was young.
Someone was killed, murdered, where I laughed cried and sung.
It was as if golden drops were shed.
Blood priced as a reflection of time.
It's criminal that now it would just warrant a lonely,
“an incident occurred here” sign.

Awesome part of this stanza...Normally I don't like it when politics or government is entered into a poem like this, but you made it work and I loved it.

So if I think on how things have changed.
They have grown,
in every aspect of society you'd want to recede, or at least remain the same.
In crime, pollution, greed.
In taking 10 bob from the government because,
“what the f**k have they ever done for me?”
It's such a shame that the phrase, “no news is good news” now seems always to apply.

Government here can be referred to as Bastards (not a serious consideration) Again, it's OK to break down the second to last line right after "...news" to help keep structure intact IMO

To every thirty minute broadcast defining the goings on of our lives.
I actually can't recall the last time I heard something positive said,
in the queen's English coming from the TV set.
If you asked me to define the shape of the world.
I'd like to say a sphere,
but judging from what I can see,
there's nothing resembling something so perfect here.

First line I think should read ...of what's going on in our dim lives...other than that I like the rest of this. And the ending is awesome

*edited*
i changed a few lines, and put some spaces in to try and make it easier to read.



Overall, you did a pretty good job and I enjoyed reading this piece, keep it up
Vivamus mea Lesbia, atque amemus,
rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!