#1
The Turtle and the Hare


I wish I could speak in tongues
or understand my etymologies,
then I would know what to say
to slow myself down.

Always opening with a crowning,
but never ending with a simple goodbye.

Blaming the schizophrenia,
its the fashionable thing to do;
A careless drawing of character,
like a wet brush, bruised by canvas time.

Always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a simple goodbye

After your womb fills up with woe,
even before I woo you,
will we marry?
And if I deny the only conception,
can I still impregnate you?

I should open with a, how are you?
But that seems so, coarse to me.

I'm always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a gentle goodbye.

Rushing to the finish line,
but reaching it to find my feet still in the box.




This is a mish mash of a vareity of sentences and ideas, metaphors, analogies, that seemed to mesh into one. Now, this is new method to me so it could suck. If it does, let me know.
BTW, its about how I rush into relationships too quickly.
#2
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The Turtle and the Hare


I wish I could speak in tongues
or understand my etymologies,
then I would know what to say
to slow myself down.

Always opening with a crowning,
but never ending with a simple goodbye.

Blaming the schizophrenia,
its the fashionable thing to do;
A careless drawing of character,
like a wet brush, bruised by canvas time.

Always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a simple goodbye

After your womb fills up with woe,
even before I woo you,
will we marry?
And if I deny the only conception,
can I still impregnate you?

I should open with a, how are you?
But that seems so, coarse to me.

I'm always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a gentle goodbye.

Rushing to the finish line,
but reaching it to find my feet still in the box.




This is a mish mash of a vareity of sentences and ideas, metaphors, analogies, that seemed to mesh into one. Now, this is new method to me so it could suck. If it does, let me know.
BTW, its about how I rush into relationships too quickly.


I liked the whole thing, everything tied together well. And I find that the odd laying around metaphor is the spark I need to finish a piece. Good job.

I like the "goodbye" phrases they all work nicely. I like how the whole thing is blunt but artistic, it seems hard to do.

Crit any of mine if you want, they are in my sig.
#3
Impregnate was awful. Neat idea, terrible word.

I dunno about this one. There was something charming about it, but about 1/2 way through I just couldn't wait for it to end. Seems like very little substance scraped across a thousad ways of saying the same thing. Some were better than others, I think you can figure that out yourself so I won't go through and highlight it... as that is your choice anyways. It just feels like it needs to be cut down adn condensed to maybe half of the current size if it is going to have any sort of punch to it. You wore the idea out, and by the end, I just didn't want to connect with it anymore because I'd already connected to it at the beginning and nothing new was really offered. Could just be me though, who knows.
#4
Quote by AngryGoldfish
The Turtle and the Hare


I wish I could speak in tongues
or understand my etymologies,
then I would know what to say
to slow myself down.

Always opening with a crowning,
but never ending with a simple goodbye.

Blaming the schizophrenia,
its the fashionable thing to do;
A careless drawing of character,
like a wet brush, bruised by canvas time.
Everything on this stanza is quite amazing !

Always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a simple goodbye

After your womb fills up with woe,
even before I woo you,
will we marry?
And if I deny the only conception,
can I still impregnate you?
Awkward but good... I must say I usually enjoy what I found odd, strange or awkward; this one is no exception

I should open with a, how are you?
But that seems so, coarse to me.

I'm always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a gentle goodbye.

Rushing to the finish line,
but reaching it to find my feet still in the box.



Sorry, really hadn't many things to say stanza by stanza, because this works as a whole. If you didn't give an explanation that this was about you rushing into relationships I would never notice it, and I thank you for explaining some of your pieces (something I usually don't) it really helps understanding it. I prefer leaving them ambiguous but after this I thought: "Man... Many people misinterpreter my pieces"...
As for the piece itself, it's not the best I've read from you but it is concise, exact and ambiguous (even with your explanation). It's a nice work. Btw, I totally understand you
#5
Cheers lads.

Matt, I've already read all the stuff in your signature, I'll return to you when you have something new up, I promise!

Zack, This was originally very short in length and quantity but when I transfered it into musicaly form - it suited this quite long song me and the lads in me band wrote - I had to re-write it by repeating ideas in new ways.
I must admit, I don't like doing that, but sometimes it fits the music well enough for it to work without it. If you know what I mean?
I love the word "impregnate", its just so nasty sounding, even though it can be a beautfiul act, if done right! I love the way its so stark.

Angel, (haha, can I call you that?) thanks very much, I always really appreciate the way you frequently reach to mine. I'm trying to not be so ambigious, I often step too far in that field. I'll get there eventually.
Its cool someone can relate to what its about anyway!
I hope I don't misinterpret your stuff, you should catalogue it together and send me a link so I can read them all again and fully see what the hell you are saying!
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Jul 24, 2008,
#7
Ah, I see what you are saying now... I guess it does sound very clinical. Its damn hard finding a replacement though, I'm a little screwed.
#8
ok good. now lets try to make sense. sometimes hidden messages is good but when its absolutely uninterperatable, then it gets on ppls nerves. the only acception would have to be stairway to heaven
#9
Sorry this seemed overly conspicuous to you lithiumftw. Its always been the way I write and its pretty much the only thing I derive pleasure from concerning writing. Ambigious, weird, contorted, nutty and deep is what me and my band aim for, and it also applies to the way I write lyrics, poems, sonnets, whatever.
There's no need to compare my stuff to Stairway to Heaven, for once reason, its not as poetic as that, but its also in a totally different framework of penmenship.

Its kind of ironic that you would use a word as detailed as "uninterperatable" - I've never even heard of it, and it took me a while to even pronounce it - and then tell me this is overly cryptic. There are a shed load of songs that I know that are very confusing but still overcome the problems that are generally associated with eclectic material. Deftones, Tool, System of a Down, Placebo, all bands that are very bewildering at times, but thats the joy of it, figuring it all out!

I'm not trying to pick an arguement here though mate.
#10
As they are a 'mismash' of ideas, some of them repeat the same things without adding clarity or description. With some more tying together, this would be really enjoyable.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#11
Quote by lithiumftw
ok good. now lets try to make sense. sometimes hidden messages is good but when its absolutely uninterperatable, then it gets on ppls nerves. the only acception would have to be stairway to heaven


actually we interpreted stairway to heaven in 7th grade english class. it was fairly easy and everyone came up with decent interpretations and were able to prove their point. it really just depends on the reader and whether of not they get anything out of it.


as for this piece, it was amazing. very well put together and some beautiful imagery and metaphors. it was very inspiring too.i have nothing to crit.

if you could crit my piece (in my sig) i would be very grateful to hear from someone who knows what they're doing.
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
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#12
The Turtle and the Hare


I wish I could speak in tongues
or understand my etymologies,
A neat correlation between these two different things.
then I would know what to say
to slow myself down.
This turns bland simply because I'm not sure
what you're getting at. Perhaps I'm just not perceptive enough,
but apart from the contradiction between slow and tongues,
I'm not seeing a whole lot to get excited over.


Always opening with a crowning,
but never ending with a simple goodbye.
crowning is so ambiguous that I'm unable to
make anything of it. I want to take it as meaning
an arrogant introduction, but in that case it seems
the but should be an and.

I'm used to your vague wordings - usually
they allow for interesting interpretations - but honestly
I'm a bit overwhelmed by this. I'm pretty spent right now,
admittedly, but even when tired I can usually follow
your pieces well enough.

Blaming the schizophrenia,
its the fashionable thing to do; *it's
A careless drawing of character,
like a wet brush, bruised by canvas time.

Always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a simple goodbye
once again it feels as if the but should be and.

After your womb fills up with woe,
even before I woo you,
will we marry?
And if I deny the only conception,
can I still impregnate you?
I like this double- you are having some fun
and I can feel it. Really spices things up.


I should open with a, how are you?
But that seems so, coarse to me.
I like the emphasis on coarse, but the structure of
this part could use some work. I'm going to arrange it
as I see it

I should open with a how are you?
but that seems so.. coarse



I'm always opening with a proposal,
but never ending with a gentle goodbye.
This really isn't necessary at all.

Rushing to the finish line,
but reaching it to find my feet still in the box.
Loved this. The second line could be split in two though
to slow it down and make the ending more dramatic.


This is a mish mash of a variety of sentences and ideas, metaphors, analogies, that seemed to mesh into one. Now, this is new method to me so it could suck. If it does, let me know.
BTW, its about how I rush into relationships too quickly.


Solace. Oh well, I'm not crazy about this piece but it's alright. The jumble of ideas made for some confusion and the two repeated lines really didn't add much to it. I hate to be so blunt but I only really enjoyed reading one stanza, the rest seemed distant and completely unlike you. The concept behind this is interesting, but I think the execution was horrible for a writer of your caliber. Keep up the experimentation though, you may stumble upon something brilliant.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.