#1
crit fo' crit.
--------------------------

woof woof, bang bang
dripping pistol
pretty crystals
falling missiles
whispered whistle
her lips quiver
nine months later
no one kissed her
nine months later
she’s a drifter
between her head
and her kid’s lungs
nine months later
fallen pistol
bleached white ground
snow bound hounds
police man whisper
“note said we shouldn’t miss her”
police man kissed her
took her daughter
took the dogs back to the station
shook his head
hung up his jacket
threw her in a freezing trashcan
drifted off to sleep
morning ice
skittering mice
up and down the walls
between New York prison bars
a drunk man watches
pretty crystals
melting down
concrete gown
over the ground
falling missles
woof woof, bang bang
silent sound
heaven’s hounds
here to take them all
Home.
#3
this
“note said we shouldn’t miss her”
feels more like two lines.


this
took her daughter
took the dogs back to the station
shook his head
hung up his jacket
threw her in a freezing trashcan
drifted off to sleep

is missing all the lovely sonics and rhythm you have before and after.


other than that,
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
I 2nd SYK's thoughts.

I kind of want to write a song that incorporates this as a spokenword/rap bridge. Hmm.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#5
I 3rd SYK.
Same with the other long lines to be honest, just tripped the flow.
Especially
threw her in a freezing trashcan
drifted off to sleep


Otherwise, this was wonderful.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
i'm pretty fond of this one, mostly due in part to the fact that i've never seen you write in this style. except for the afformentioned grazes in flow, this was really good; so there.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
Like everyone else already said, this is amazing. It flows nicely, it's just beautiful. Only thing wrong, was this part:
took the dogs back to the station
shook his head
hung up his jacket
threw her in a freezing trashcan

Other than that, it's gold. Nice job.

C4C? Either of the ones in my sig
#10
Quote by SomeoneYouKnew
this
“note said we shouldn’t miss her”
feels more like two lines.


this
took her daughter
took the dogs back to the station
shook his head
hung up his jacket
threw her in a freezing trashcan
drifted off to sleep

is missing all the lovely sonics and rhythm you have before and after.


other than that,


/signed
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
I'll work on the middle section, thank you all for reading and your thoughts.

was the narrative clear enough (particularly in the beginning)?

edit: anything you guys want me to check out?

linky?
Last edited by #1 synth at Jul 26, 2008,
#13
Quote by #1 synth
edit: anything you guys want me to check out?

linky?


It's the bottom link in my sig, if you have the time. Thanks.
#14
benjama2,

your link has been *reported*, as has your previous post in S&L
please read the rules in the announcement at the top of this forum before posting again.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#15
I really liked this. I might be back later to comment more, but if not, I at least wanted you to know that I liked it.
This is not a pipe
#16
i read this about 6 times, (really nice btw) and initially wasn't going to comment because there seemed little point as i agree pretty much with what's already been said. but decided it was worth mentioning that i like how "note said we shouldn’t miss her" is slightly longer. i think it provides a natural point to pause, which is fitting as it's about half way through.
#17
Haha as a fact paced song this would be absolutely amazing. You're a great lyricist (that's a word, right?!) And the whole direct and to-the-point attitude of this song was great up untill towards the end where it kind of slowed a bit. Other than that, nice
Last edited by Niki (guitar) at Jul 30, 2008,
#18
Quote by #1 synth
I'll work on the middle section, thank you all for reading and your thoughts.

was the narrative clear enough (particularly in the beginning)?

edit: anything you guys want me to check out?

linky?


I personally didn't like it until I got to the "in a freezing trashcan" part that SYK talks about. That was my favourite part of this piece. It didn't have much of the old you in it Synth, it doesn't feel like you. I mean, I haven't been here much so I don't know if you've changed but it seems to be lacking that Synth feel to it.
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#19
Quote by Auals
I personally didn't like it until I got to the "in a freezing trashcan" part that SYK talks about. That was my favourite part of this piece. It didn't have much of the old you in it Synth, it doesn't feel like you. I mean, I haven't been here much so I don't know if you've changed but it seems to be lacking that Synth feel to it.


Repetition? Check.
Nature-themed imagery? Check.
Use of precise verbs? Check.
A girl? Check.
The ol' bookended narrative strucutre?

Not to disagree with Matt but I could've picked it being Dyl by a mile away.

That said, it was the execution that was totally new.

I mean, you rhymed. Like, three lines in a row. Like, wow.

Your breaks were consistent in use; meaning they were there for a purpose, for new ideas or direction.

So, yeah. I could nitpick, but I won't.

And, again, **** yeah.
#20
Meh, Jammy, I only remember 3 really distinct Synth Stages :P

The stuff he posted when he first got here was a bit more like this.

Then there was the stuff he posted after he'd been here a while.

And then there's the really personal stuff he posts and then regrets posting later :P

EDIT:

I've been away so long I've forgotten everyone's names...
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#22
Eh, I don't like it.
Nothing personal, this style just does nothing for me at all.
For what it is, it's a better one of these type poems.
Anywho, 'grats on the WotW.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#23
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#25
Quote by Auals
Meh, Jammy, I only remember 3 really distinct Synth Stages :P

The stuff he posted when he first got here was a bit more like this.

Then there was the stuff he posted after he'd been here a while.

And then there's the really personal stuff he posts and then regrets posting later :P

EDIT:

I've been away so long I've forgotten everyone's names...


haha.

Auals (Matt I believe) wins this thread. He is completely correct.

---

Thank you all for this WotW. Really. And thank you for your kind words.

#28
Quote by #1 synth
haha.

Auals (Matt I believe) wins this thread. He is completely correct.

---

Thank you all for this WotW. Really. And thank you for your kind words.



Hahaha thanks Dylan

Congrats on the WotW
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#32
Quote by ZanasCross
This was well deserved. You still suck large hairy woman balls.

It's become routine that you insult anyone who wins anything, hasn't it?

Not my favorite from you, Dylan. The repetition did nothing useful; you use it in too large quantities when you haven't got enough depth in ideas sometimes.

Edit: actually, that doesn't particularly apply to this piece. But I thought I'd mention my opinion on your work in general, since I was passing by.
Last edited by samoo at Aug 3, 2008,
#33
^agreed. things are more impactful when they are not diluted by overuse. that is something I need to really internalize.

to you all.

this was the first piece of mine that received over 30 replies in over a year and a little more. yay.
#34
Quote by #1 synth
^agreed. things are more impactful when they are not diluted by overuse. that is something I need to really internalize.

to you all.

this was the first piece of mine that received over 30 replies in over a year and a little more. yay.


That's because you're brilliant and there's not much to say normally
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

Quote by punkman_123
Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#37
I really dislike this... sounds like you're ripping off Bob Dylan with his "doesn't make sense" style.

The only thing I got out of this was... a woman had a baby and tried to kill herself? during.. WW2?
Marijuana is the spice of life.

I Force Choke my penis when I masturbate.

8)-~
#38
Quote by Raven*
I really dislike this... sounds like you're ripping off Bob Dylan with his "doesn't make sense" style.


#39
Quote by Raven
I really dislike this... sounds like you're ripping off Bob Dylan with his "doesn't make sense" style.

Huh?