#1
His voice trickles through the microphone,
resonates and ripples in awkward tones.
He moans,
the crowd giggles.

She leans forward backstage
and appears through the peep hole
to peer at the people.
They design on their faces the places
they'd much rather be.

Under her breath she whispers assurance
with love in her eyes,
lips fully intent.
Over the music and ten feet away,
his timid ears perk
as accustomed waves say

We're all alone
on this big stage for two,
so toss off your covers,
this song's just for you.

Forget rhythm and
forgive me later,
just give into the sound.


He frowns.
No response in mind
his rhyme cut short;
the sort from which he can't recover.
His gaze hovers around the walls,
then he asks for room and stands up tall.
The mic is short and
to the ground.
It falls as he turns around

We're all alone
on this big stage for two,
my song is over
now this one's for you.

He glances at the DJ
nodding his head
and the same mind away
the karaoke machine read;
a song from the heart
to the head to the mouth.
Out in an alien bout,
the air shouts passion,
until it ends with a cheer
which he doesn't hear.

At home, under covers
in a small bed for two,
she responds to his song
with an

I love you too.



Inspired by Dig's Bbbroken Word. crits will be returned
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 25, 2008,
#2
Alright, here goes.

I really liked the piece within a piece thing. It worked very very well. It made this a far more interesting piece than it would have been otherwise, and I think you know it. The un-italic piece felt very robotic, very like a reporter telling us what's going on, without any emotion and I think you let yourself go a bit there, and didn't put in as much effort as you could have. It wouldn't have been as bad if those clips of reporting were shorter, but they kind of took time to get through and weren't that good, to be honest.

You had a good idea, and a fairly ok execution, I just think that you can do so much more with this great idea and I can tell you have an interesting point of view. Just dig deeper and take that extra step to refine this.
This is not a pipe
#3
His voice trickles through the microphone,
nice enough start.
resonates and ripples in awkward tones.
this too.
He moans,
the crowd giggles.
this pair went flat.
you got the job done, but nothing more.


She leans forward backstage
and appears through the peep hole
i think peers would be okay, but you use that later.
appears suggest she's being seen.
i doubt that's what you really mean.

to peer at the people.
They design on their faces the places
the idea is not bad
but the way you express it is.

they'd much rather be.

Under her breath she whispers assurance
with love in her eyes,
alright so far.
lips fully intent.
this was awkward.
Over the music and ten feet away,
his timid ears perk
as accustomed waves say
none of these three did much for me.

We're all alone
on this big stage for two,
so toss off your covers,
this song's just for you.

Forget rhythm and
forgive me later,
just give into the sound.

not sure what toss off your covers means,
but this all has a nice feel to it.


He frowns.
No response in mind
his rhyme cut short;
the sort from which he can't recover.
His gaze hovers around the walls,
then he asks for room and stands up tall.
The mic is short and
to the ground.
It falls as he turns around
again, useful thoughts.
but the expression of them
left me wanting something
richer in texture.


We're all alone
on this big stage for two,
my song is over
now this one's for you.

He glances at the DJ
nodding his head
and the same mind away
the karaoke machine read;
a song from the heart
to the head to the mouth.
i'd break these 2 lines into 4.
Out in an alien bout,
i have no clue what you mean by this.
the air shouts passion,
until it ends with a cheer
which he doesn't hear.

At home, under covers
in a small bed for two,
she responds to his song
with an
throw this line away without replacement.

I love you too.


i didn't really enjoy this one, Jake.
it wasn't terrible. just flat.
Meadows
Quote by Jackal58
I release my inner liberal every morning when I take a shit.
Quote by SK8RDUDE411
I wont be like those jerks who dedicate their beliefs to logic and reaosn.
#4
ZOMGZ! What a truly inspired poem!

Quote by Billyjson
His voice trickles through the microphone,
resonates and ripples in awkward tones.
this was good
sets off to a bit of a weird flow
but it works, as does the content

He moans,
the crowd giggles.
This stopped the flow just as I was getting used to it.
If you wanted to do something like this, I'd suggest it might work best if it's separated from the stanza, and maybe reoccurring (not the actual words, the description of people's reactions)


She leans forward backstage
and appears through the peep hole
as said by Farmy, this probably doesn't show the image you want it to
but change is awkward because of the use of 'peer' in the next line
there doesn't seem to be any established structure

to peer at the people.
They design on their faces the places
they'd much rather be.
This could be said more effectively
maybe describing the people's mundaneness, but how even they would rather be somewhere else


Under her breath she whispers assurance
with love in her eyes,
lips fully intent.
very awkward word choice with the last two
maybe a word to replace 'love' would be more effective
Over the music and ten feet away,
his timid ears perk
as accustomed waves say
this was also said awkwardly (sorry, I can hardly spell that word... and you're making me use it too much! Grr!)

We're all alone
on this big stage for two,
so toss off your covers,
this song's just for you.

Forget rhythm and
forgive me later,
just give into the sound.

Forgetting rhythm, eh?
Yeah.


He frowns.
No response in mind
his rhyme cut short;
the sort from which he can't recover.
unless there's going to be some assonance with 'recover'
it feels very out of place
(I got past THAT one!)

His gaze hovers around the walls,
then he asks for room and stands up tall.
the 'asks for room' is a bit vague
The mic is short and
to the ground.
It falls as he turns around
This is something I failed at with Bbbroken Word; if you're going to show a quick, hold-your-breath, FUCK kind of action, do it quickly and hold-your-breathly.
This was too
this happened
then this happened
then this happened


We're all alone
on this big stage for two,
my song is over
now this one's for you.

this was done nicely
He glances at the DJ
nodding his head
and the same mind away
huh?
the karaoke machine read;
a song from the heart
to the head to the mouth.
this quickness feels weird after the style of the rest
Out in an alien bout,
forrrceedddd
the air shouts passion,
until it ends with a cheer
which he doesn't hear.
this feeling could be described better
there could be more of it
it could be breathtaking
styled and
snap-of-the-fingers
but it's not


At home, under covers
in a small bed for two,
she responds to his song
with an

I love you too.

The too/two felt off
but it was a nice ending
wasn't as clever as it could have been.
This goes for all of it



Great idea
fails at execution
but from your previous writings
I know that you can pick it up and make it wonderful.
With a more established structure this would quickly become a great read.
With more picking up on the feels and translating them in to the style you write in, this would be glorious.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
i gotta agree with these guys about the execution needing some work, although i would look at it a little differantly than they did personally. youve got a really great idea and some of this is worded very well. i didnt mind the occassional simple statements statement, and in fact i think it helped to break this up a bit. if you rhmyed this consistantly the whole way through (especially after you started with the internal peice) this couldve sounded very dr seuss-ish (i love dr seuss by the way, but im guessing thats not what you were going for)
there were some places where you had problems because you were trying to get a rhyme a nice sounding phrase and it just came out awkward
They design on their faces the places
they'd much rather be.

i really cant see any reason why you had to say it like this. you dont really have any obligation to have that rhyme there, and just stating this simply would be better than saying something that just doesnt sound right (although taking the time to find a way to say this that actually does sound nice and is original would be even better)
anyways, theres a few little things like that thorughout the peice but youve got a great idea IMO and if you take a little more time to clear it up this could be an equally great peice.
sorry if this sounded like a repeat of what others have been saying or anything, i hope this helped
and if you get a chance
my latest
id appreciate it if you can. thanks
#6
I wasn't really into this one myself
and I think you all felt that.


Thanks for your time,
crits will be returned.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.