#1
Accomplishments measured out like a prison cell.
How much room can the warden give before I get comfortable?
"Get home safe" I told the tipsy toddler.
For tomorrow you'll awake and be missing twenty dollars.

Blown glass and brown water
All night I could smell the forgotten daughter.
She layed in my bed sipping warm beer
Until the clock hinted towards a curfew
I was left with the single Iris, and a scent of her perfume.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jul 25, 2008,
#2
The blown/brown line didn't fit flow wise and was a bit hard to fit content wise.
The line after it is said in a very strange way, I'm sure it could be clearer and easier to read.
Not sure about the lack of rhymes with beer flow wise, and less so about the change from the sound of beer to curfew/perfume.
The Iris bit was a bit cheesy.

I liked the tipsy toddler line, and the missing twenty dollars.

This felt like the two parts weren't quite tied together properly, and there were little off bits in it, but it was overall solid and a good read .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#3
When I wrote "the single Iris" I was reffering to the song by the Goo Goo Dolls. Which is equally as cheesy.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#4
i actually thought this whole thing flowed fairly well once it got going, but i think thats because i could tell how you were hearing it in your head when you wrote it, which doesnt always show in the writing itself. punctuation might help with that, idk.
line 2 was a bit odd. its clear what you mean on a quick lance, but when you really look at it it doesnt completely make sense.
i tihnk the content was all pretty clear. idk the song you were referring to, so i dont know if thatd take anything away from this. if your writing this for yourself id say thats not important, but if your thinking more about your audience you might want to replace that with something more understandable.
and if you dont really have to know the context from the song, then its not a good excuse for chessiness
anyways, pretty solid peice overall. if you get a chance, id appreciate it:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=918033
#5
Blackdotted. I'll edit in here later, I think I have a bit to say.

Quote by freshtunes
Accomplishments measured out like a prison cell.
How much room can the warden give before I get comfortable?

"Get home safe" I told the tipsy toddler.
For tomorrow you'll awake and be missing twenty dollars.

I broke this into two sections. I see no correlation between these at all. I've tried looking at it from the "psychedelic" angle... I still see nothing. The second section is MUCH better than the first. The first just sort of sits there. Sort of an interesting idea, but the second line didn't compliment the first at all. It sort of mangles the idea in the first, accomplishments are giving you more room? I thought prison cells were fixed size? Who's the warden? It just introduces too much doubt in me toward the author to make me really appreciate the rest of the piece. I really like the second section though.


Blown glass and brown water
All night I could smell the forgotten daughter.
She layed in my bed sipping warm beer
Until the clock hinted towards a curfew
I was left with the single Iris, and a scent of her perfume.

If you drop the last line... I like this a lot better. It still doesn't correlate enough for me to appreciate any sort of message or solid idea throughout the piece. If you can extend the toddler to the daughter... then maybe... but as it is, there is nothing here. No common thread for me to latch onto at all. It's a bit disconcerting because there is a lot of grave imagery in this and a certain "darkness" to the tone that makes me feel like I should learn some sort of dark truth about life or humanity, but I come away with nothing. The imagery is there, but the execution just left me watning.


Yeah, that's what I've got mate.
#6
I really gotta hit one of your pieces Zach. I'm going to right now.

Edit: Well, the daughter and the toddler are the same person. Toddler represents the intoxicated, daughter represents the sober. Two sides of the same women.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
Last edited by freshtunes at Jul 26, 2008,