#1
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -
yet the shins are those that tremble
ever so violently;
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.


This is not a pipe
#2
Always such a cuteness to your endings.

Quote by carmel_l
It starts, this time softly,
The wording here and punctuation can have a great effect of meaning here. "this time softly" puts the emphasis on "this time", and hints towards previous experiences being of an increased rashness. However, I think this slight negative meaning here doesn't go well with the beauty of the rest, so I'd maybe suggest going with just "softly"? I'm not sure. Maybe "this time" gives it more and a deeper character, but I'm always one for making sure the start is seamless with the overall tone.
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
The plurals here deaden this slightly. Why not go sharper and have "like a feather tickle" or something? Just an idea; plurals always seem to be a way of wording things when the writer can't find the right words.
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -
Favourite line in the piece.
yet the shins are those that tremble
In the imagery stakes, I didnd't think we were at the shins yet - throws this continous flow, this moving downwards of a body. It throws it in my opinion.
ever so violently;
Well understated. Nice technique, employed wonderfully.
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
I felt the second half of this sentence was too wishy-washy, cliche.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.
Like I said, such cuteness in meaning and theme. Wonderful.




Just picking, mostly. Maybe some things you can mull over, i don't know.



Something in my sig, if you have the time. No worries.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jul 25, 2008,
#4
I haven't read the others' responses to this yet so any repetition may prove more useful (or any disagreement more confusing).

The first thing I noticed was the odd flow in the intro, the next was how superb it became. Small mention: earlobe might be replaced by just lobe to reduce the unnecessary repetition. Back on the rhythm train though, progressions trickle off the chin was splendid, and also the point where the flow began to give me goosebumps (the good kind). I love the top to bottom progression, so much that it became an obsession to reach the destination. This is a sensation.

You're rhyme is even breaching me a bit..
..and thanks for the crit.

On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Jul 26, 2008,
#5
^I 2nd Zeesir and Jaysir above me.

Random thought: When I read this, I totally imagined it being read as a slam poem. Which is weird, because it isn't really slam poetry--but maybe that's something you should look into? Just for kicks, though--your other work is so nonreliant on sonics that you certainly don't need to turn to slam.
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#6
i loved the way you approached the descriptions of the obvious as a liquid(ish) substance. it makes the meaning of the poem seem so delicate and fragile; like a rare substance of somesort.
i read the first line as an indication from the author that this particular event may have occured previously, only in a different manner? "It starts, this time softly,".......idk, maybe just me; but that fact did inflict a sense of mysteriousness that made reading this so enjoyable.
i pictured the author having a smile on her face the entire time writing this. i didn't see any stumbling or faulty lines that would need revision; just flow. beautiful, earthy, flow.
thank you for your touching comment on my piece; i hope i've shown the same respect.
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secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -
yet the shins are those that tremble
ever so violently;
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
the tangent you took to the shins was pleasant
but the return you're about to make isn't smooth.
it you can find a better way to redirect upward
then continue the journey down
it would help the continuity.

Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.


the title is uninspiring.
this piece deserves something better.
Meadows
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Last edited by SomeoneYouKnew at Jul 27, 2008,
#8
I'll be back on this one, but on first read I am captivated by the images (you know I'm a sucker for your imagery), so yeah. BBS.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
Thanks for the comments guys. A few points: I'm happy that Kent got the point of the "this time softly", meaning something has started before, but it wasn't like this and it sure didn't bring to the same result. Also, the shins part was meant to make that jump, as if feeling something suddenly affect something else in your body/soul, whichever. So that was very much intentional.

Regarding the title... my titles are always intended and thought carefully. If you think about it beyond the obvious meaning you might get something else. If not, it's your right to think it too plain.

Thanks again.
This is not a pipe
#10
Quote by carmel_l
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
So far, so good. The last two lines interplayed quite well.
progressions trickle off the chin -
yet the shins are those that tremble
Decent. Unlike previous readers, this felt fine to me.
ever so violently;
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
Interesting concept, and good execution that follows.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
This part is pretty good.
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
This line felt a tad bit short.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.
Good ending.




I liked it. Sorry there's not much to say, but I liked it.
Crit mine in my sig?
#11
Quote by carmel_l
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -
yet the shins are those that tremble
ever so violently;
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.




Oh geez.

I wish I wouldve written this. Wonderful job. Good everything, the ending was good. Everything was solid. I agree with the above crits they were all pretty thorough.

Crit "Hidden, we'll remain" if you can please.
#12
Quote by carmel_l
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -

I love the start to this...but I didn't quite like the simile of the feathers tickling...it felt like it didn't quite flow right with the rest of this part...adding something there to rhyme with down might work ....it just feels that it should IMO....The rest of this is frickin awesome

yet the shins are those that tremble
ever so violently;
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round

I really like this part, descriptive, good flow, and awesome simile

the lines of living mold,
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.


It picked up here at the end, but the last line just kind of ends it abruptly, IMO....I think by adding something like who, what, or how might suffice for a better ending




I really enjoyed this piece, keep up the good work
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rumoresque senum seueriorum
omnes unius aestimemus assis!
#13
Quote by carmel_l
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
It took me a few reads to grasp this properly, and even then, I'm unsure whether I preceived it in the fashion you intially perscribed it as. Maybe it would be more effective if you started with something a little less ambiguous to the eyes in terms of langauge and its presentation. If you understand me?
from ears to earlobes and
I loved this...
like feathers tickling,
... but it felt slightly off when you then instantly tried to describe it with a simile.
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -
This is a little obvious. The "trickle" and "tickling" are very comparative and I knew that you were going to use something to rhyme and interlink with the word. Its just something that put me off a little bit.
yet the shins are those that tremble
ever so violently;
If you shortened this a tad, it could help the reader feel more stuttering and therefore more influential and powerful. Because its casually draw out, you feel less of an impact, when really it should feel very hurtful and strong; overpowering.
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
I'm not sure I can instantly grab onto this bit, but I'll return and see what I can conjure.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
This line is fantastic, stuck out to me.

choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
Wow, quality writing!!
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.
Lovely.




Very pretty and gorgeous to read. So flowing and seamless. Then again, I wasn't wowed that many times! If I was to be very cynical and picky, I would say it wasn't that impressive compared to your other works and other writers who are in a similer catagory as yourself - as much as I hate catagorizing anything - I sometimes find it helps understand things more affluently.

Digitally Clean
#15
beautiful. I just wish it wasn't so... abruptly ended.
I really disliked the last three lines...
but other than that, I mean, gorgeous, dreamy, effortless.
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#16
Yeah I really liked this! It has fantastic imagery, your vocabulary keeps me interested and in the end it is both clever and beautiful. The only minor suggestion I have is to add a line break in the "shins" line to increase emphasis on the change of focus. So it looks something like this,


progressions trickle off the chin -
yet the shins
are those that tremble
ever so violently;



Overall a simply magnificent piece.
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
LollipopSkeletonsLollipopSkeletons
#17
Quote by carmel_l
It starts, this time softly,
dripping down
from ears to earlobes and
like feathers tickling,
like finger-picking, breaching skin,
progressions trickle off the chin -
yet the shins are those that tremble
ever so violently;
like a waterfall that calls
all organs to life.
Then, further down,
past neck and collarbones,
it traces curves, swirls round
the lines of living mold,
choosing routes of less resistance,
slowly sliding past traitorous ground,
until absorbed through pores
of imperfect flesh.
And with new beats pumping through veins,
new beasts of sound, reviving blood,
she’s now a song.




A thread to go with the username.
/sarcastic comeback

anyway,
I liked it.

Flam·boy·ant
French, from participle of flamboyer to flame
1:Characterized by waving curves suggesting flames
2:Marked by or given to strikingly elaborate or colorful display or behavior