#1
This is a simple song but it has a really weird rhythm. it has a lot of meaning behind it for me. Im not gunna go into the story behind but if you want it that bad you can PM me or something This is my first post in probably over a year and also my first song since breaking out of writers block, so any and all crits are welcome and ill likely return the favor.

[Verse 1]
The worn-out, beaten down, soles
Of those shoes I’ve long out-grown
Took us down the same path, over again
But they never did grow old.

‘Cause deep inside our childish minds,
Our path was different every time.
We didn’t care where we went, as long as it meant
We’d wander away from our boring lives

[Chorus]
We were average kids; we were heroes.
Didn't know defeat but we knew we couldn't win.
Never followed suit
But we played by the rules
And while life passed us by (we just sat back and waved)

[Verse 2]
We were young, too fragile and frail.
Broken by sticks and stones
But words never hurt us; we never even heard them,
We went on, unaffected by the unknown

But from what we’d seen so far
Gave us a vague idea about the world
Though still too small to see the bigger picture
We were hopeful our dreams would work

[Break]
As the world spun around beneath our feet
Our minds would take us t where we could see
Whatever it was that we wanted to
But no matter how fast we ran
We couldn’t stay behind forever
We knew that one day the world would gain on us

[Chorus]
We were average kids; we were heroes.
Didn't know defeat but we knew we couldn't win.
Never followed suit
But we played by the rules
And while life passed us by (we just sat back and waved)

[Verse 3]
And everyday was a brand new day
But to us it was all the same
The familiar faces and familiar smiles
Passing us with a friendly gaze

And although toys would be broken,
A million tears would be spilled,
It never truly mattered cause we always had our
Dreams we had to fulfill

[Ending Verse]
'Cause our hearts were always set
Living out our biggest dreams
Being happy never meant boasting about
All of our trinkets and things
And though we knew it wouldn't happen,
We were always content
Cause it was nice to lay back
Close our eyes and pretend


EDIT: This is now the entire song. I decided a wanted more help on some other lines. theres some pretty weak ones that you people could prolly pick out on your own. So again, i need some feedback. All crits are welcome and wanted.
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
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Last edited by RuleBreaker at Aug 3, 2008,
#2
Child's Play Fantasies? Sounds like you're quite the pedo!

Seriously though, it's pretty good. Sounds very personal, but also something most people could relate to.

On another note though, 9 stanzas seems kinda lengthy.
#3
hey thanks for the heads up. it never crossed my mind that it sounded pererted at all. i changed the name so it works better now.

also the whole version actual doesnt seem too long. it flows well and imho it was put together fairly decently.

Your opera is amazing by the way haha
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#4
Well it would be unfortunate to have a run-in with Chris Hanson while playing the song, eh?

I'd like to hear the whole song recorded sometime, I think it'd be pretty good.

And thank you regarding the opera, I put my heart and soul into those couple hours making it!
#5
Quote by RuleBreaker
This is a simple song but it has a really weird rhythm. it has a lot of meaning behind it for me. Im not gunna go into the story behind but if you want it that bad you can PM me or something This is my first post in probably over a year and also my first song since breaking out of writers block, so any and all crits are welcome and ill likely return the favor.

NOTE: This is not the full version. I didnt want to type the whole thing cause its about nine stanzas and i was just too lazy. I typed out the bits that would most likely get the point across.

[Verse 1]
These worn-out beaten down soles
The flow of this is disconcerting. The lack of a comma in-between "worn-out" and "beaten" is most likely the cause. Adding that punctuation could help envelope the reader more sensuously. Maybe?
of those shoes i used to know
"I used to know" is a little bit on the cliched side.
took us down the same path, over again
but it never would grow old
Odd rythyme here that takes a few reads to get into, but its worth it; its nice and simple in its wording so its OK.
because deep inside our childish minds
it was different every time
didn't care where we went, as long as it meant
The addition of the more personal "I" as an introduction to this line could also help the reader feel more at home with this. Its good as it is, its just an idea you can try out in your personal time maybe.
we'd get away form our boring lives
Very good line, even though you used the dreaded "get".

[Chorus]
We were average kids; we were heroes
Didn't know defeat but we knew we couldn't win
Really effective and lovely two lines.
Never followed suit but we played by the rules
While life just passed us by (and we just sat back and waved)
I'm not vibing these two I'm afraid, although the section in brackets was quite a dreamy line and it made me feel, happy.

[Ending Verse]
'Cause our hearts were always set
living out our biggest dreams
I like the simplicity of your imagery, its nothing special but its so well displayed - it shows competance, experience and emotion - that I don't mind at all, in fact I quite enjoy it!
being happy never meant bragging out
"bragging" is an unatractive word.
all our trinkets and things
I love this line so much! Its so sweet and innocent sounding.
and though we knew it wouldn't happen
we were always content
cause it was nice to lie back
close our eyes and pretend
Nice ending.

EDIT: I changed the name of the song. As someone said it sounded very inappropriate.


Compassionate, tender and clear
.
There's nothing special in terms of word use, metaphors or devices of poetry and writing, but your skill is obviously prevalent and I can see how much effort you have put into your penmenship. Keep it up mate.

Digitally Clean
#6
Quote by RuleBreaker
.

[Verse 1]
The worn-out, beaten down, soles
Of those shoes I’ve long out-grown
Took us down the same path, over again
But they never did grow old.
A good strong opening stanza, I'm not sure about the last line however, it does not seem as strong as the others, it seems separate from them somehow.

‘Cause deep inside our childish minds,
Our path was different every time.
We didn’t care where we went, as long as it meant
We’d wander away from our boring lives
Again, a great Stanza spoiled by the last line."We’d wander away from our boring lives" isn't something you would consider a child do. I wouldn't consider a child's life "boring". Unless you put this line down, for that reason

[Chorus]
We were average kids; we were heroes.
Didn't know defeat but we knew we couldn't win.
Never followed suit
But we played by the rules
And while life passed us by (we just sat back and waved)

A good chorus with some beautiful imagery


[Verse 2]
We were young, too fragile and frail.
Broken by sticks and stones
But words never hurt us; we never even heard them,
We went on, unaffected by the unknown

But from what we’d seen so far
Gave us a vague idea about the world
Though still too small to see the bigger picture
We were hopeful our dreams would work

The "about the world" part, doesn't scan right to me. I would consider chaning it to "of the world"

[Break]
As the world spun around beneath our feet
Our minds would take us to where we could see
Whatever it was that we wanted to
But no matter how fast we ran
We couldn’t stay behind forever
We knew that one day the world would gain on us
Another beautiful image, I wouldn't change anything here

[Verse 3]
And everyday was a brand new day
But to us it was all the same
The familiar faces and familiar smiles
Passing us with a friendly gaze

And although toys would be broken,
A million tears would be spilled,
It never truly mattered cause we always had our
Dreams we had to fulfill

Again, a great stanza, but I would consider adding an "and" on the second line, second section

[Ending Verse]
'Cause our hearts were always set
Living out our biggest dreams
Being happy never meant boasting about
All of our trinkets and things
And though we knew it wouldn't happen,
We were always content
Cause it was nice to lay back
Close our eyes and pretend
Great ending, another great image


An awesome piece of work, a few nit picks, but a good solid song, with great imagery behind it, good job.
All I want is for everyone to go to hell...
...It's the last place I was seen before I lost myself



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