#1
Montenegro's Hot Handle

Yeah I know you saw me tonight but there was nothing there between me and your friend so her side it 'twas. Howl out on the lines but don't be surprised when you get a phone call back from someone with the records

Easily up past spiders and their wargames, we're looking for something more of the heart to want to kill. I leased you an arrow and it was given back bent and flattened and having been used a hundred kills.

Are you on the space track? Are you on the astronaut lines? Are you a spaceman in a bowie tune?

Wretched wicked children's choir albeit at a bargain basement price but still nasty and foul the language. I'd hoped to make it past summer the last time I failed and had to start back at the start in safety school. It's a king's ransom if you can afford to eat so well as to have the ability to be able to be at those plums. Left out hanging in the middle of the tightrope line in between the twin towers and having to get back to the edge one hand after the other

one step more and the floor will collapse and you will fall down into the dusty bookshelves and splintering wood

had a first awakening at a wake where I fell asleep and realized that I will die pretty soon here anyway

had a go at the kool-aid in the kitchen but was warned about some mother's preconceptions about kool-aid and kids. We left a ghost in the elevator. Sarged all the way to the top of the hill but found no enemies, instead, only gravestones and flak from my old headmaster.

the most important moment of my life I said “but I wanted to be gay, ma!”
Last edited by parkt921k at Jul 28, 2008,
#2
firstly, the structure of this is uninviting. the layout inspires fatigue before the piece is already tackled - it's fairly obvious that it's going to be a chain of stuttered ideas/spontaneous stream-of-conciousness etc. which is fine, but all the white-space is unattractive and, really, pretty unnecessary. i'd work, first and foremost, on the presentation before you revise the text.

the text. standard spirals a little towards the end - fairly inventive wordplay fades to pretty generic descriptions of fairly uninspiring situations. the tightrope line is mundane as hell - "having to get back to the edge one hand after the other" evokes absolutely no imagery in all of its tired plainness.

there may be connections, tying everything together, but i don't much want to look for them. that's your fault as a writer - you haven't interested me all too much. i enjoyed a couple of mildly inventive flourishes towards the beginning but, bar that, this is fairly futile. you can justify the cryptic nature with claims that it's a piece "for yourself" all you like, but this does nothing in the way of warming me to it. i found it pretty bland.

and that's not just because you gave me a "bad" crit, as much as you may suggest it's so. i came to this with absolutely no expectation and no pre-decided conclusions. i read it, and i gave you my opinions as a generic reader. sadly, i didn't like it.
#3
I'll try and get back to this. However, I will say this much: that structure and layout is very difficult to enjoy. And your line length is just through the roof. You would be better off putting this into prose.

Again, I will get back to this.
#4
Quote by parkt921k
so, the way I see it anyway, is that a 'piece' doesn't always have to be one line has to do with this, one line has to do with that which came before that, and that which came before.. - on and on, and 'pieces' are usually just stories, of varying levels of interest, some very much so. so, is that the only job of the writer, ever?- a story to tell? or can a 'piece' also be something from themselves, which is what it is. Can it be taken as just that sometimes? I hope/know so. this is an attempt
what's with all this useless psychoanalysis?
remove it.
i couldn't even get passed this to finish the piece.
or as you call it, 'piece.'
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
I'll be honest, halfway through your wall of text I said f-uck it, and scrolled down to read the 'piece'. After the first two lines I said f-uck it, and now I'm posting this. Put it all together, organize it, or something.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#6
yeah you all were definitely right about the so called introduction. and i tried to put it together a little bit better, edited out some lines, and changed some others a bit. thanks for the honest crit skag. sorry for being a dick.
#7
Quote by parkt921k
Montenegro's Hot Handle

Yeah I know you saw me tonight but there was nothing there between me and your friend so her side it 'twas. Howl out on the lines but don't be surprised when you get a phone call back from someone with the records.
The flow demanded a fast tempo, which was fine. Honestly, the first sentence was alright, but the second was a huge buzz kill. The ending of that sentence wasn't powerful or interesting.

Easily up past spiders and their wargames, we're looking for something more of the heart to want to kill. I leased you an arrow and it was given back bent and flattened and having been used a hundred kills.
Meh, okay. It's starting to seem as if prose (or whatever it was before prose) as well as the long sentences, were an excuse for lack of concentration on flow. Freeform is fine and all, but there has to be SOME rhythm. Otherwise it's not a song, just a speech. Rhythm was okay here, but word selection hurt it, especially in the first half.

Are you on the space track? Are you on the astronaut lines? Are you a spaceman in a bowie tune?
Another point that I haven't brought up is the coherency of the story. It seems as if the focus is more on individual paragraphs rather than a coherent storyline. There doesn't seem to be a connection from one stanza to another.

Wretched wicked children's choir albeit at a bargain basement price but still nasty and foul the language. The flow here was terrible. Alliteration beat it with a stick. I kept tripping on the first couple words, and then later at the "albeit at a bargain basement" part. I'd hoped to make it past summer the last time I failed and had to start back at the start "Start" twice is too much. "Beginning" maybe. in safety school. It's a king's ransom if you can afford to eat so well as to have the ability to be able to be at those plums. "As to have the ability" made this sentence a long stretch, and "at those plums" was not worth the extra baggage. Left out hanging in the middle of the tightrope line in between the twin towers and having to get back to the edge one hand after the other Quite the mouthful.

one step more and the floor will collapse and you will fall down into the dusty bookshelves and splintering wood
Not a good image. Doesn't make me feel any emotion in particular.

had a first awakening at a wake "at a wake" tripped me up here. where I fell asleep and realized that I will die pretty soon here anyway

had a go at the kool-aid in the kitchen but was warned about some mother's preconceptions about kool-aid and kids. We left a ghost in the elevator. Sarged all the way to the top of the hill but found no enemies, instead, only gravestones and flak from my old headmaster.

the most important moment of my life I said “but I wanted to be gay, ma!”


Overall, I disliked it. There wasn't any coherency, nor any attachment to any characters, nor any characters at all. Sentence length was too long time after time, and it had me babbling just to keep up. Next time you try a piece, don't try something so difficult. And make sure that there's a connection between thoughts that's both logical and enjoyable, whilst not sacrificing the lines themselves.
#8
Maybe i'm an idiot.
But, I really, really liked this.
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#9
"I leased you an arrow and it was given back bent and flattened and having been used a hundred kills. " Very nice line. Thanks for editing, much easier too read.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#10
just a note -
'it 'twas' makes no sense.
'it it was'.

you get me? it should be either 'her side 'twas' (which sounds bad)
or 'her side it was'
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.