#1
Symptoms of a Greater Disease

Verse:
This old girl I know, she sells herself
At night out on the streets
And I say, "You know you're better
Than anyone's piece of meat"
She frowns and says "It's all I can do
to hold tight to my place"
And I think about how her wrinkles
Drag the smile off her face
And off she goes to spend the night
Battered or on her knees
It's all nothing but a symptom
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
I found my friend and had to ask
"How could it come to this?"
He was passed out in a puddle
Of vomit and of piss
His powder baggie on the floor
A mirror on the shelf
He'd say the Devil did this to him
But he did this to himself
He'll go back into treatment now
And go right back when he's free
Suffering from the symtoms
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
A friend I know for all my life
Sold his soul to Uncle Sam
Now he marches, gun in palm
Across the burning sand
He shakes a little and has no idea
What else he can expect
He stays on guard, he says a prayer
And grips the cross around his neck
Tomorrow he'll watch his brothers
Get blown to smithereens
And the whole thing's jsut a symptom
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
A young boy paces back and forth
In his room in the dark
He used to paint great pictures
Though now he's lost the spark
But sometimes he'll paint the color red
On his arms late at night
Pain and release is the closest thing
He gets to being alright
At least that way he feels something
But he never feels at ease
He's just the victm of the symtom
Of a far greater disease

Verse:
I pour myself some coffee
And stare into the morning streets
We're fighting hard to stay afloat
But I'm afraid we're getting beat
Hate's spread like a cancer
It's spread between our hearts
I wish that we could cut it out
But we wouldn't know where to start
Love's fallen by the wayside
It's slipped into a crease
Pushed out by the spreading
Of a far greater disease

End:
In the end there's too much hunger
For all our wealth to please
Holding us, and filling us
With a far greater disease
#3
niiiiiiiiice
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#5
Sorry, don't have time for a full crit, but this was really good. I think the repetition of the words "symptoms of a greater disease" really added to the piece because of the way it worded.
I really like this piece. .
Quote by Seryaph
You need to douse it in a 20/30/50 ratio of mustard/ketchup/horseradish and stroke it as fast as you can untill the mayonaise squirts out. Then consume.
#7
Excelent Piece.
I dont feel like I can give this a crit. The whole thing was to me excelent. True words for sure.

There however were a few spots at the ends of stanzas where flow/rhythm was off. Could have just been the way I was reading it though.

-Ryan
#8
This was wonderful.
There are places where the syllable count gets too much though and it feels like you didn't know how to cut it down.
Like Battered or on her knees
could do with the or being replaced with a comma.

Lines like Of vomit and of piss
look like you didn't think of structuring them any better, when they could be.

Overall though, this was wonderful. Like, really bloody good.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
I enjoyed reading through this piece. Really stands out. Reminds me of the Arctic Monkeys, especially with the first verse. Don't ask me why.

Bones pulled out a few niggles I would have picked myself but I'm also having trouble with

A young boy paces back and forth
In his room in the dark
He used to paint great pictures
Though now he's lost the spark


The syllable and flow seem wrong to me. It could just be me but I can't quite get it to flow.