#1
The Dirty Dirty Five Thirty


In some high-hilled, hopeless place
Where lived the human race,
A small town boy met a small frown girl.
She wasn’t ready for his smile, he wasn’t ready for her lies,
So listen listen listen listen.


There was such little light,
On that such-a-little-night,
When a desperate mind met the nick of time,
That when he saw her face,
He didn’t think it out of place,
With it’s inhuman grace,
He didn’t didn’t didn’t even think to ask her name.

She stole his oxygen,
at gun-point, on a whim,
When sincerity meets brevity.
Then said “Hey, what’s your name?
I don’t think I’ll let you leave”
He said, “Hey,
Name’s don’t mean much to me”.


The small town, was never big enough for him
But the let-down, was never quite enough to hurt.
And the starlight, was always brighter out here,
But the small bite, wasn’t big enough for her.
The small town, isn’t big enough for him
The black night, isn’t dark enough for her,
This small town, is just big enough to hurt,
With a dull ache, that settles inside of your heart.
That settles inside of your heart.


They got careless with their souls,
In some dusty, backlit road,
Where a low-brow sweat met loneliness.
What the camera doesn’t show,
Is better left alone:
A fork-tongued girl took a loose-tongued world,
And called it her own;
The streetlight doesn’t even know….

When she said,

“Hell is warmer, there
You’ll be without a care
(and your hold on my heart will fall apart)”
So they took off their skin,
And wrapped themselves in sin
And laid in the fire, wherein,
The small town let down sets in….


The small town, was never big enough for him
But the let-down, was never quite enough to hurt.
And the starlight, was always brighter out here,
But the small bite, wasn’t big enough for her.
The small town, is just big enough to hurt
With a dull ache, that settles inside of your heart,
The small bite, was always sharper out here,
But the starlight, was always too bright for her.
Always too bright for her….


All the back down boys with their stolen guns,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
And the drop down girls, with their cut-out hearts
Could never take this back to the start.
I said the back down boys with their cut-out guns,
Couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t stand the sight of the sun.
The drop-down girls, and their stolen hearts
Would never never never, ever go far
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#2
Well, mi amigo, this isn't going to be pretty. Just a heads up; I don't censor myself on critiques... so here goes.

Every single bit of this felt mechanical, and it basically raped my enjoyment of hte piece. You might have had a decent idea... and hell, it may work lyrically... but all the repeating, all of the high-ball imagery ("inhuman grace" "low-brow sweat met loneliness") it all gave it this terrible terrible tone. Like I was looking in on a child's story in progress. It was the same tone that I hear when I read Dr. Seuss. It was so disconcerting. None of this felt gritty enough, none of it brought me into the piece. It felt like I was floating above everything, and that doesn't work for something like this. I needed to take part in it... I needed stronger imagery to carry the tone into a darker form. I needed more imagery to paint a picture. I needed something to connect with.

I'll give you this, you had some good wit. "small frown girl" "stolen guns" and a few others stuck out as solid lines. But it was all covered up. To be honest, I quit reading about half-way through... the story didn't feel like it was going anywhere, I wasn't connected to any of the characters, it felt like I was watching a very long train with identical cars go by. I knew it would end eventually... but I couldn't see how or when because every car looked the same and I couldn't reference how many had gone by. I made myself finish it because I'm sure I owe you quite a few comments.

I know you can do better than this. I've read it. I'm competing against it currently. Sorry mate, this one was just a let down to me.

Hope you don't take it personally... I'm just telling you my opinion.
#3
if I don't take it personally, you haven't done your job

Really, though, I think that was exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks for the honesty, it's definitely appreciated
I owe a ton of people critiques.

If you're one of them, please PM me.

I have trouble keeping track.
#4
Quote by Fly, Marlowe
The Dirty Dirty Five Thirty


In some high-hilled, hopeless place
Where lived the human race,
A small town boy met a small frown girl.
She wasn’t ready for his smile, he wasn’t ready for her lies,
So listen listen listen listen.
I like this beginning up until the last line.... seems like I should be hearing "once upon a time..." right after

There was such little light,
On that such-a-little-night,
When a desperate mind met the nick of time,
That when he saw her face,
He didn’t think it out of place,
With it’s inhuman grace, Seems a bit out of place
He didn’t didn’t didn’t even think to ask her name.

She stole his oxygen,
at gun-point, on a whim,
When sincerity meets brevity.
Then said “Hey, what’s your name?
I don’t think I’ll let you leave”
He said, “Hey,
Name’s don’t mean much to me”.
Hm.... something about this section is very interesting, but not exactly how it was written.


The small town, was never big enough for him
But the let-down, was never quite enough to hurt.
And the starlight, was always brighter out here,
But the small bite, wasn’t big enough for her.
The small town, isn’t big enough for him
The black night, isn’t dark enough for her,
This small town, is just big enough to hurt,
With a dull ache, that settles inside of your heart.
That settles inside of your heart.
I really like this chorus. The whole theme throughout it is very well chosen in my opinion.


They got careless with their souls,
In some dusty, backlit road,
Where a low-brow sweat met loneliness.
What the camera doesn’t show,
Is better left alone:
A fork-tongued girl took a loose-tongued world,
And called it her own;
The streetlight doesn’t even know….
Good use of personification on this last line. I liked it.

When she said,

“Hell is warmer, there
You’ll be without a care
(and your hold on my heart will fall apart)”
So they took off their skin,
And wrapped themselves in sin
And laid in the fire, wherein,
The small town let down sets in….
Slightly forced, but I get what you're going for. It flows but it I feel like with a little work it could be great.


The small town, was never big enough for him
But the let-down, was never quite enough to hurt.
And the starlight, was always brighter out here,
But the small bite, wasn’t big enough for her.
The small town, is just big enough to hurt
With a dull ache, that settles inside of your heart,
The small bite, was always sharper out here,
But the starlight, was always too bright for her.
Always too bright for her….


All the back down boys with their stolen guns,
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.
And the drop down girls, with their cut-out hearts
Could never take this back to the start.
I said the back down boys with their cut-out guns,
Couldn’t couldn’t couldn’t stand the sight of the sun.
The drop-down girls, and their stolen hearts
Would never never never, ever go far
Hm... I like. 'Nuff said.



Haha there's definitely potential to take this song to the next level. I felt this piece was rather forced throughout reading this, although with the right melody it could be very nice. Not a bad job, just work on it a bit