#1
you can find pretty much anything in the rain
it's absolutely beautiful
it shakes the mountains and rattles the skys
i've dedicated my life to it
because nothing gets a girl as wet
as a man who waits for rain

there was this one tuesday evening
i was exhausted from work and sitting at the desk
when i saw this monumental raincloud at the window
i shouted "ITS RAINING!"
girlfriend shouted "what's raining?"
i shouted "IT!"
shot out of the house
danced in it
the neighbours think i'm crazy
i think that they're dry
only one of those claims is grounded in empirical evidence
and such is the nature of rain
#2
you can find pretty much anything in the rain
it's absolutely beautiful
it shakes the mountains and rattles the skys
i've dedicated my life to it
because nothing gets a girl as wet
as a man who waits for rain
Solid rhythm, the last pair of lines somewhat killed it. Is that a poor attempt at innuendo, or just clumsy?

there was this one tuesday evening
i was exhausted from work and sitting at the desk
when i saw this monumental raincloud at the window
This line sounds too conversational to me. "This" I don't like.
i shouted "ITS RAINING!"
girlfriend shouted "what's raining?"
i shouted "IT!"
These 3 lines were too drawn out; "shouted" is overused.
shot out of the house
danced in it
the neighbours think i'm crazy
i think that they're dry
only one of those claims is grounded in empirical evidence
and such is the nature of rain
Clumsy ending, absolutely murdered the rhythm.

Overall view: Why did you write this? Not that it's atrocious, it's a nice change from the generic love songs every 5 seconds around here, but I can't really feel a strong direction behind it. Almost as if you're just writing for the hell of it.

The poem as a whole was rather too direct; try to use more metaphors, similes, puns, etc.

C4C, if you want?
#4
second dreadful crit in a second dreadful day

why criticise my use of "shouted"? I shouted to my girlfriend, and she shouted to me. i presume you're one of those 4th grade teachers that despises the word "said" and instead encourages ridiculously unnecessary variation, such as "she exclaimed!". I shouted. That's what happened. It sounds conversational because it is conversational.

Try to use metaphors? This whole piece is littered with metaphors and it is, in itself, a metaphor. No puns? There is a pun on the fifth line. You even recognised it in your crit, you nut.

There is no rhythm. I never intended there to be any rhythm, so the accusation of murder is quite astonishing. I'm not a murderer, you're just murderously inept.

Within three lines you claimed that it had no direction and then, much to my dismay, noted that it was too direct. Such are the nature of your critiques.

i'll get to yours.
Last edited by skagitup at Jul 26, 2008,
#5
you can find pretty much anything in the rain
it's absolutely beautiful
it shakes the mountains and rattles the skys

so okay, someone writing about rain. that’s cool. like, I think it’d be great to live in Portland, all that rain. plus good music scene. anyway, it’s like – ok, writing about ‘rain’ is probably a tightrope walk, - i.e. very easy to ‘mess up’. And although the second line is better than the third, the third doesn’t stray too far into that ‘territory’ of becoming ‘painful to read and experience as a reader’. So we’re still cool at this point.

i've dedicated my life to it

oops! fell right off deep into the heart of the aforementioned ‘territory’. ouch. dedicating one’s life to, say, books, or one’s wife/children, studies, etc., are things that people do. people do not ‘dedicate their lives to rain’. Immediately, the reader knows that this author is off his rocker FOR SURE and the rest of this piece is to be seen as strict juvile, at best.

because nothing gets a girl as wet
as a man who waits for rain

these two lines were soo bad. horrible. like, you stuck with that 5th line? really? your internal editor didn’t catch that one immediately and strike it from ever seeing daylight? as painful as a thwack with a hammer, and the 6th line is actually pathetic in how bad it is


there was this one tuesday evening
i was exhausted from work and sitting at the desk

ok, 2nd stanza. give author a chance to redeem him/herself. and after a line like the first you naturally want to see where it goes, and it’s an interesting transition to a place of work. thinking, ok, .. but, - I am skeptical.


when i saw this monumental raincloud at the window

ok. more about rain. thinking, oh great, last mention of ‘rain’ didn’t turn out so well. but still willing to give it a shot



i shouted "ITS RAINING!"

shouting ‘it’s raining!’ . that’s ganz laecherlos entirely rediculous. sucks. so not a description of sane human behavior

girlfriend shouted "what's raining?"
i shouted "IT!"
shot out of the house
danced in it
the neighbours think i'm crazy
i think that they're dry

so painful when these next 6 lines end in ‘dry’. I’m not sure what kind of a literary device that was which was likely unintentionally used here, but it’s not a very good literary device, if it even is one. by the way, the reader can tell that the writer is a teenager. sucks so bad.

only one of those claims is grounded in empirical evidence
and such is the nature of rain

ends with a mention of ‘empirical evidence.’ that’s crazy. doesn’t make any sense – maybe-, unless, you spend the time to think about it, but really at this point the reader isn’t willing to spend one more ounce of brain energy on this rediculous piece.



So Skagitup, I haven’t critiqued any of your pieces ever, I remember seeing your name, and, btw, I’m a fan of your screenname. It seems like you’re quite interested in writing, and maybe there is some potential somewhere in this ‘piece’. maybe the potential is that you tried at all – most people don’t, but most people would if it were easy. ‘tis nicht. One can appreciate one trying, at least. If you want to become a writer, might I suggest spending some time in the next six months or nine months and read like ten or twenty books which are considered part of the literary canon.
#6
btw I just listened to your track 'we're all drunk here, in Britain', and it was a really really good song. it's still going through my head. I might try to learn it.
#7
parkt921k, I can assure you that Alex (skag) is MUCH more versed in writing than you can imagine. He's been writing and posting here since before I joined, and this is one of VERY few pieces where he tackles a well trodden path.

I'll edit my crit in here now, I just wanted to post that first:


Quote by skagitup
you can find pretty much anything in the rain
it's absolutely beautiful
it shakes the mountains and rattles the skys
i've dedicated my life to it
because nothing gets a girl as wet
as a man who waits for rain

Sadly, your first 3 lines here ARE terribly cliche. I mean, I can forgive a little bit if you used it well, but you didn't my friend. You simply used it as everyone else would have. They screamed "set-up" and "waste." You could do soo much more with those lines and make this stanza stand out. It has the potential to be so much more than it is. The last 3 are fantastic.

there was this one tuesday evening
i was exhausted from work and sitting at the desk
when i saw this monumental raincloud at the window
i shouted "ITS RAINING!"
girlfriend shouted "what's raining?"
i shouted "IT!"
shot out of the house
danced in it
the neighbours think i'm crazy
i think that they're dry
only one of those claims is grounded in empirical evidence
and such is the nature of rain

Again, this feels like it has something holding back. Like you are refusing to just let go and let this take off. Honestly, it gives me the same feeling as structure poetry... like you stopped exploring the idea because it needed to fit a certain form.

shot out of the house
danced in it
the neighbours think i'm crazy

Those 3 in particular stuck out as bland as fuck. Anyone could have written those, Alex. You have so much more talent than this, and you ALWAYS have better points of view or descriptors than this. "Shot" is the only word there that isn't common. Change it around... don't dance in the rain, flail in rhythm to its beat upon the concrete... do something worth writing about. "Neighbours think I'm crazy..." that just needs to be changed... that's in every piece ever written about doing something ridiculous outside. The dry line was well executed... loved the double meaning. I also liked how this wound down. Just feels like it needs a stroke of Alex in it... right now its too standard outside of the witty snippets.




I still enjoyed... and it was nice to see a slightly different take on a "rain" piece... but this just felt a bit standard.
#8
Ok, this isn't spectacular, but its getting way too much ****, and the critics don't seem to know what they are talking about. Parkt921k, "ridiculous" is the word I would use to describe you. Get your condescending ass off my internet. If you didn't get the empirical evidence line, its your own fault for being too dense.

Skag, I liked the line "I think they're dry", but nothing else stood out for me. I think you could do a lot better. Maybe if I understood the last line I would get it better, I'm a bit tipsy so my brain not function as good as normal. I like what you're saying here, but it doesn't appeal to me aesthetically.
#10
thankyou zach, dion.

parkt, i would heartily recommend that you explore canonical literature. you appear to have taken my every word literally, which is an infinitely stupid thing to do. i appreciate the time you've taken to give me perhaps the most invariably elementary critique i've ever had the displeasure of reading, but in doing so you appear to have exposed your almost monumental idiocy. who are you to advise me as to how to become a better writer? such advice infers that you yourself are a better writer. given the subjective nature of writing, that (as any man who has ever delicately examined harold forthwright's "march into destitude" would know) is improbable to the extent of absurdity. and you are a ludicrous man, make no doubt about it. a corrosively tongued, insanely patronising, offensively misguided hellion of a man, not uncommonly found in the mist of destitute children and a fierce storm of indigence. i could excuse the anti-cerebral nature of your unmistakably tedious totter, if it weren't for the overly vitriolic tone that lies accompaniment. yes, lies. you are a liar. in the style of henry kalforner i must point out that your shoes are untied and your lips are bleeding bizarrely nonsensical rhythms of butter. what books have you read? perhaps you have explored the complete texts of shakespeare, the angst of salinger, blake, fitzgerald, george eliot, t.s. eliot, dostoevsky, joyce, whitman, woolf, forster, dickens, austen, hardy... maybe some tolstoy? you might have studied some classical writings? acquinas, maybe? aristotle, euripides, homer, thucydides, plato, aurelius. perhaps you're a little nutty. have you read the beat? some ginsberg, burroughs, kerouac, ferlinghetti.. some bukowski, some hunter s. thompson... but have you read the politically turbulent works of the gallows? have you eaten the storm of h.t. riverbank? have you worn the night as a tie and untied it whilst walking home from the pub at 4 a.m stinking of the bottle and eying up the lamppost for a twist of every evening? have you written in a mist of human sweat with blood seeping like caramel from your fingertips typing in a rhythm and a box of every man. you haven't drunk any words, you've never even sipped one. you haven't even tasted the beginnings of the rain, and yet you can comment on my rain? my rain is purer than your rain because my rain was brewed in the shelter of the soul. your (b)rain was brewed in the clouds of conformity. your rain falls like mater and pater and a glass of water that's been sitting out too long and has turned a dreadful shade of dusty yellow and why? because the man whose head stood tall does not make allegiance with the man who never worked. every man knows that (bar the man who just forget, but he is hard to remember). i need to smoke a cigarette, but this is a topic i feel strongly about. i will return.
#11
Quote by skagitup
thankyou zach, dion.


np dude, sorry for pissing in your thread. That poster was just obnoxious.
#12
maybe I was a bit harsh. probably was. part of it maybe was your response to mop master. just let people critique. everyone feels strongly about their own writing if they take it seriously. but you can't force a girl to like you, and you can't force a reader to like your writing. but such is the nature of this forum site. and i apologize about saying something to you about reading 'literature.' that was an un thought out comment. but the rest of it was. most artists don't like critics. but that's the only reason this site exists. if you don't like the criticism, keep it to yourself - few do like the criticism. so ripping someone apart just because they gave you a bad critique defeats the purpose of this forum website.

I am looking forward to reading some more of your stuff, though, and, like I said, I really really liked the one tune of yours i checked out, something like 'here, in Britain, we're all drunk'.

you could also get back at me by critiquing my latest post

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=918946

and btw the bars close at 2am here, so, no on that one
Last edited by parkt921k at Jul 27, 2008,
#13
Quote by skagitup
you can find pretty much anything in the rain
it's absolutely beautiful
it shakes the mountains and rattles the skys
i've dedicated my life to it
Difficult rhythm to pull, but it can be done. Okay for an introduction.
because nothing gets a girl as wet
as a man who waits for rain
I dislike this a whole lot. There's nothing wrong with trying an innuendo and all, but this wasn't a very good innuendo. I don't know how I can say it, but I just didn't like it.

there was this one tuesday evening
i was exhausted from work and sitting at the desk
when i saw this monumental raincloud at the window
i shouted "ITS RAINING!"
girlfriend shouted "what's raining?"
i shouted "IT!"
"Shouted" is a mighty fine word, but it shouldn't be used three times in a row. Why does the girlfriend have to be shouting? I think it would be more natural if she just "said". And inject some more suddenness in the last line by cutting the non-dialogue bit altogether. It's not needed, because the reader can tell who's speaking.
shot out of the house
danced in it
the neighbours think i'm crazy
i think that they're dry
only one of those claims is grounded in empirical evidence
and such is the nature of rain
"Empirical evidence" felt waaaaaaaaay out of place, considering this song has a "free spirit" kinda vibe to it.


Good stuff, bad stuff. I'd say edit, but no one likes doing that.
#14
Very simple words, that do not rhyme, but flow perfectly. I really liked it, don't completely understand it, maybe its not meant to be understood.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#15
Quote by parkt921k
maybe I was a bit harsh. probably was. part of it maybe was your response to mop master. just let people critique. everyone feels strongly about their own writing if they take it seriously. but you can't force a girl to like you, and you can't force a reader to like your writing. but such is the nature of this forum site. and i apologize about saying something to you about reading 'literature.' that was an un thought out comment. but the rest of it was. most artists don't like critics. but that's the only reason this site exists. if you don't like the criticism, keep it to yourself - few do like the criticism. so ripping someone apart just because they gave you a bad critique defeats the purpose of this forum website.

I am looking forward to reading some more of your stuff, though, and, like I said, I really really liked the one tune of yours i checked out, something like 'here, in Britain, we're all drunk'.

you could also get back at me by critiquing my latest post

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=918946

and btw the bars close at 2am here, so, no on that one


once again, you exhibit this disgusting air of arrogance. i am quite aware of what this forum is for. i can infer from your response that you didn't read my reaction whatsoever - if you did, you'd realise that it wasn't your negative critique that i was disputing, but the nature of your tone. you really offered nothing in the way of constructive criticism, rather, you failed to pick up on fairly simplistic literary techniques and decided that this was because they weren't there. i'd advise you to actually read a piece and think about it before you crit something, because vague opinions and nonsensical shit spilled out in a corrosive tone is NOT a critique - it's not helping anyone. i received some great crits earlier on and thanked the users for them, such as Zanas' opinion which was educated and delicately communicated. i've been on this forum for quite a while, so please stop trying to educate me as to how it is run, and stop justifying insanely unfounded negativity through reference to an mp3 you liked. it has no relevancy to this piece... rather like yourself, infact.

thanks freshtunes + ninja. response appreciated. let this die now.
#16
but the rain can never die.

before a whirlwind of violent intelligent concurrence spirals out here, i just wanted to say that i really, really liked this Alex. i even giggled when i read the part about the shouting. your soul shows through in every piece you write, so pay no attention to the robots. they don't believe in soul; it's not in their programming.

edittopostbelow:
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Jul 28, 2008,