#1
Lullaby


Did you have to hold the wound open?
I didn't think that you could be so cruel.
Could you not have just left me heart broken?
Did you have to stick around, and play me for the fool?
So many nights I did lie awake.
Consumed only by how you did me wrong.
Until I realised, we could be as one again.
In sleep, when I heard that child's song.

So I'll sing you a lullaby, as a token when I come to call.
And I hope that those tears you cry, are in joy, because it's all so beautiful.
I've dreamt of this a thousand times, and every time it is so sweet.
To think that we can be together again, the end, it justifies the means.

Why do you fight? Why do you scream? Why do you try to run?
Can you not see my love? This is just was has to be done.

I have only but one life to give. And its yours, should you ask, in one hearts beat.
I ask only you give me yours my love, but I'll help you, if you are too weak
And I'll sing you a lullaby, so you're not scared, when I close your eyes
And I'll kiss your sweet lips, to give me courage, one last time

And we can lie together again. As all star crossed lovers should
And we can lie forever again. Entombed in earth a wood.

*edited*
Last edited by AK. at Jul 26, 2008,
#2
Wow man. That is really really really really really good. I especially like the last stanza, it is a fantastic way to end the piece. I noticed a major spelling mistake, lol.

I've dreamt of this a thousand times, and every time it is so sweat.

I'm pretty sure it should be sweet, but other than that, there is nothing much to really comment on. It flows well, and I especially like in the 3rd stanza how you ask questions to the reader/listener, it does really captivate my attention.

damn man, you're amazing. keep up the good work.

C4C?
Last edited by Gnarchris at Jul 26, 2008,
#3
Amazing. I'd love to hear the melody to this. You're a great writer, keep up the good work. Flow perfectly and I have nothing to really bash you on haha. This song seems like you believe heavily in every word you write. It's hard to find songwriters with that much passion.

Fav line: And I hope that those tears you cry, are in joy, because it's all so beautiful.

Absolutely amazing. Great. Wonderful.
#4
The Second and Last stanza's saved this. The "Broken Heart" line in the first Stanza almost made me stop reading. Personally I thought the questions were cliche and whiney, except the last two lines of the first stanza, about the lullaby, that was a good way of bringing up the sub ject matter. The rest sounds contrived pop-esque drivel you hear on the radio. I don't mean that in a bad way, especially not if that's what you wanted.

But the second Stanza. Wow. Well done, saved it completely.

The first line of the last stanza should just be repeated in my opinion, leave out the "earth and wood" line. It doesn't add anything, I don't think. Unless it has personal meaning.

Hope that helps
Need Singing Advice?; Read the first page then ask questions.

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Damn Auals, you're messed up. :P


Quote by ZanasCross
This just reminded me of the time that my brother in law texted his mom on the night after his wedding. All it said was "Consummated."
#5
well Auals... if i was being perfectly honest "contrived pop-esque drivel" was not really what i was shooting for.

the first part of the first stanza is supposed to sound typical because the end of the song isn't. i was trying to lull the listener into a familiar role before removing them from it.

i wasn't sure if the story of the song was clear enough (the guy decides to kill them both btw. together in sleep, the end justifies the means, this is what has to be done, i'll help you if you are to weak, kiss you lips one last time) thats why i put the entombed in earth and wood line in, just to hammer it home. that's also why i put the star crossed lover line in.

did you get that btw?

as for the questions, they weren't meant in a whiney "why dont you like me, why dont you want me back" way. the guy's supposed to be genuinely confused that the girl is trying to stop him killing them both. i think when sung it may sound less whiney, because the proper inflections can be applied to the lines to put across the meaning.

if however you read it, and got it, and still thought what you did. i'd appreciate it if you let me know.
#6
Quote by AK.
Lullaby


Did you have to hold the wound open?
I didn't think that you could be so cruel.
Could you not have just left me heart broken?
Did you have to stick around, and play me for the fool?
So many nights I did lie awake.
Consumed only by how you did me wrong.
Until I realised, we could be as one again.
In sleep, when I heard that child's song.
I like this stanza. To me, it's the best from this piece.

So I'll sing you a lullaby, as a token when I come to call.
And I hope that those tears you cry, are in joy, because it's all so beautiful.
This line broke the flow to me... But I'm not the best guy to talk about flow here
I've dreamt of this a thousand times, and every time it is so sweet.
To think that we can be together again, the end, it justifies the means.
Nothing great as the first stanza; but it's still ok

Why do you fight? Why do you scream? Why do you try to run?
Can you not see my love? This is just was has to be done.
This is still nothing special...

I have only but one life to give. And its yours, should you ask, in one hearts beat.
Again, broke the flow
I ask only you give me yours my love, but I'll help you, if you are too weak
And I'll sing you a lullaby, so you're not scared, when I close your eyes
And I'll kiss your sweet lips, to give me courage, one last time
These last two lines are amazing ! I mean, there's nothing amazingly written in here, but it just sounds really cool

And we can lie together again. As all star crossed lovers should
And we can lie forever again. Entombed in earth a wood.
And a good ending...

*edited*



So, I like what you are up to in here, but I just don't like the type of writing. It just looks too general if you know what I mean. Nonetheless, this looks like a song I could hear. Some parts of it echoed ska-punk in my head, while others sounded like a doom metal ballad (yeah, doom metal ballad !)

EDIT: After reading your explanation to this song, its meaning remained ambiguous to me. I only got the feeling this was supposed to be a song a guy written to his girl after a bad time in its relationship.. oh well...
Last edited by seventh_angel at Jul 31, 2008,
#7
im mixed on this one, some awesome "stanza's".....is that what were callin em. doesnt seem to flow all that well the whole way but is saved by some cool lines. i agree with some other fella earlier who didnt like the earth a wood part because y'know it is the ending you want to leave something that resonates with the reader.
i read it and thought maybe:
And we can lie together again. As all star crossed lovers should
And we can lie forever again. i know we never thought we would/could
nevertheless cant say your on the wrong path. keep it up.