#1
A Fight for a Price

I feel the walls enclosing on my skull
Crushing everything I had once known
A crooked spine and a wicked fate...
Finally something I can't escape

I've never been quite sewn together
Can't see being fixed, ever
Now watch as I tremble...
And you'll see just how I crumble...
... Just how I crumble
... Just how I crumble

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
And the unblessed water conceals all of our bloodloss
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...

You can forget me
Because you never trust me
We all saw the faults from the start
Who would've guessed we made it this far?

I've never been quite all together
Can't see being whole, ever
Now watch as I fumble...
And you'll see just how much I'm troubled...
... How much I'm troubled
... How much I'm troubled

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...


Thanks for your time, I'll be here all week Please leave comments/feedback...
Last edited by Niki (guitar) at Jul 27, 2008,
#2
I like this piece a lot.

The line: For once I have something I can't escape - seems awkward and forced.

I really like the chorus, especially how you change it slightly, it is interesteing.

The third stanza is my favorite, there is one line that sets off the flow of the rest(or how i read it at least): While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops - so look at this see what you think

Other than this it is a fantastic piece, and very intruiging.
#3
Quote by Niki (guitar)
A Fight for a Price

I feel the walls enclosing on my skull
i think "on my skull" is a bit much, i'd have it as, "i can feel the walls enclosing"
Crushing everything I had once known
A crooked spine and a wicked fate...
nice, like the continuation of being crushed, maybe change wicked though? cruel fate, waiting fate, impatient fate, crumbled fate ?
For once I have something I can't escape
the last line sounds a little like you don't want to escape, was this the intention? i think it's phrased a little simply though. i think a "finally", in there would work well, because it has the same meaning but also refers to how it's all coming to and end. so.. "finally, something i can't escape" or "finally, it seems, something i can't escape"

I've never been quite sewn together
nice
Can't see being fixed, ever
don't know how this is sung obviously, but it reads a little short, maybe you could chuck an extra word in? like a "now" or something like that
Now watch as I tremble...
And you'll see just how I crumble...
... Just how I crumble
... Just how I crumble
like it

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
maybe consider reversing, struck off and shut down? just an idea.
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
acid rain...? perhaps a bit much?
While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops
We just wanted to find our way back home
i don't think using "drops" twice works
The place that no one knows...
i can't help but think although this reads well, and the message in each line is good (and clear) the linking words could be a little more ambitious. words like, hides and left out and find.

this is an anthem for all
Who've been struck off and shut down
hung out to die in this warzone
ever dreaming of the road back home
the damning rain hides the tracks
of each tear shed, and of the red we now lack
we just wanted to find our way home
to that place that we alone know.


i'm not actually suggesting you use this, i was just trying to say maybe you can be a little bit more imaginative.

You can forget me
Because you never trust me
We all saw the faults from the start
Who would've guessed we made it this far?
there seems to be a tense issue but it may be intentional, the word "made" implies you're referring to someone who doesn't know how far you actually made it. but because the preceding line is "we" it seems like your talking about yourselves, and seeing as you know how far you made it, it should be make it this far. so if it's the first option maybe you could make this a little clearer.

I've never been quite all together
Can't see being whole, ever
Now watch as I fumble...
And you'll see just how much I'm troubled...
... How much I'm troubled
... How much I'm troubled
like it once again

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...
same as before


Thanks for your time, I'll be here all week Please leave comments/feedback...


yeah, so i really liked where this is going, which is why i guess that i took the time to write this. i just feel there could be more to it. anyway, i hope some of this helps.
#4
Thank you for your suggestions, they're greatly appriciated... And AK, I'm very fortunate for you to have given the time to write out all of your suggestions. Quite a few made it flow better than it did before In S2S2, with the rhythm, I don't believe an extra word needs to be there but besides that I think everything else was very useful.


Question-- For the third stanza and final stanza, would "blood loss" flow better than blood drops? Both of your comments had something about that line.
Last edited by Niki (guitar) at Jul 28, 2008,
#5
Quote by Niki (guitar)


Question-- For the third stanza and final stanza, would "blood loss" flow better than blood drops? Both of your comments had something about that line.


well yes, but i think the repetition of "hides all of our" is a bad idea.

the acid rain disguises our tear drops
while the unblessed water hides from us our blood loss.

maybe?
#6
Definitely flows better overall. The answer to your maybe is a most probable yes haha. Thanks for your input, made the chorus much better from the small alterations.
#7
I don't know what genre this is for, but I liked reading it. The chorus is particularly good. Sorry, not much of a crit, but I just wanted to let you know that I liked it. :p
#8
kk man first of all thx, for the cmmt, and the help. but yea i had brought up your piece erlier, and was considering to crit it. but i guess i will now.


I feel the walls enclosing on my skull
Crushing everything I had once known
A crooked spine and a wicked fate...
For once I have something I can't escape
first off, i gotta say, amazing first line! grabbed my attention! i really liked how you were able to take somehting physical, and also connect it to memory. over all stellar opening stanza!
I've never been quite sewn together
Can't see being fixed, ever
Now watch as I tremble...
And you'll see just how I crumble...
... Just how I crumble
... Just how I crumble
not great like the last one there, but i guess it gets it done
This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
And the unblessed water conceals all of our bloodloss
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...
wow, really deep, but SO wordy! if this is ment to be sung, you need to make it easier to sing
You can forget me
Because you never trust me
We all saw the faults from the start
Who would've guessed we made it this far?
wow simply beautifull, simple to read, yet still holds its meaning
I've never been quite all together
Can't see being whole, ever
Now watch as I fumble...
And you'll see just how much I'm troubled...
... How much I'm troubled
... How much I'm troubled
not much to really say bout this one
This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...
overall....very good. i was pleased with your general idea. 10/10 for being original
(We are) The anti-cancer
(We are) The only answer
Stripped down, we want you dead
But what's inside of me, you'll never know
(We are) Bipolar gods
(We are) You know what we are
#9
i cant really add much to what they've said other than my overall opinion; i really like it. it's really emotive and seems to express the pain they must be suffering.
#10
this is like one of the only ones ive seen that i liekd so far
#11
Wholly ****,dude that is sweeet,man how powerfull is that,

off topic i know but can any of yo u refer me to a thread that tells me how to delete an old thread created by myself,ya see i made a dick out of myself.. and i'm ashamed of what i did.
#12
Quote by Niki (guitar)
A Fight for a Price

I feel the walls enclosing on my skull
skull sounds a bit out of place
Crushing everything I had once known
A crooked spine and a wicked fate...
Finally something I can't escape

I've never been quite sewn together
Can't see being fixed, ever
Now watch as I tremble...
And you'll see just how I crumble...
... Just how I crumble
... Just how I crumble

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
And the unblessed water conceals all of our bloodloss
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...
love this stanzar

You can forget me
Because you never trust me
We all saw the faults from the start
Who would've guessed we made it this far?

I've never been quite all together
Can't see being whole, ever
Now watch as I fumble...
And you'll see just how much I'm troubled...
... How much I'm troubled
... How much I'm troubled

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...


Thanks for your time, I'll be here all week Please leave comments/feedback...


Thanks for the crit. There's not much to complain about and everything fits well. I strummed a few chords to it and the rhythem is solid.
Overall I thought it was powerful with a great sense of intensity. good work.
"Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life.Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!" ~ Billy Connolly
#13
Quote by Niki (guitar)
A Fight for a Price

I feel the walls enclosing on my skull
Crushing everything I had once known
A crooked spine and a wicked fate...
Finally something I can't escape A good opening verse, although I'm not sure about this last line, which I note is already a revision. I think 'something' is the problem. I'd like to see it replaced with something that rhymes with fate, for example, 'Finally a place I can't escape' or 'Finally a state I can't escape' 'Finally a pain that I can't shake'

I've never been quite sewn together
Can't see being fixed, ever
Now watch as I tremble...
And you'll see just how I crumble...
... Just how I crumble
... Just how I crumble

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
And the unblessed water conceals all of our bloodloss I really like the chorus, but this line just seems too wordy. What if you just took out conceals? You'd sacrifice clarity for flow and interpretive meaning, I think it would sound good
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...

You can forget me
Because you never trust me
We all saw the faults from the start
Who would've guessed we made it this far? Verse is fine, but does it really relate to the song? The rest of the song is about being shut off, kept down, crumbling, so have you really made it that far, ha ha. And the first 2 lines don't seem to add much

I've never been quite all together
Can't see being whole, ever
Now watch as I fumble...
And you'll see just how much I'm troubled...
... How much I'm troubled
... How much I'm troubled

This is the anthem for all
Who've been shut off and struck down
We're left out here to die in this warzone
we just wanted to find our way back home
The acid rain hides all of our teardrops
While the unblessed water hides all of our blood drops
We just wanted to find our way back home
The place that no one knows...


Thanks for your time, I'll be here all week Please leave comments/feedback...



Really love the chorus, which is all you need for a kickin' rock song, shore up a few lines here and there and I think you've got a winner.